I Woof You

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I Woof You
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10
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August 22, 2015
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"I Woof You" is the 10th episode of Once Upon a Penis.

Summary[edit | edit source]

Impatient, the Evil Queer sends his army of golden knights to retrieve his father. This sends our heroes on a mission to escape with their lives, a task that is further complicated by the advances of a blood-thirsty mob, on the hunt for the Big Bad Dog, whose origins are laid out in flashbacks.

Plot[edit | edit source]

Teaser[edit | edit source]

Memories, both good and bad, rush to the Big Bad Dog's head as he looks at the ripped piece of red cloth in his hands, retrieved from the pocket of the Hunterer's pants after his demise. He feels the smooth texture of the silk and sighs. In times past, just gazing at the item the piece of cloth comes from would awaken feelings of excitement and arousal in him. Happiness. He feels the small embroidered wolf on the edge of the cloth, and appreciates the irony of it all. Rena walks into the Dog's bedroom, telling him lunch will soon be served, and notices the gloomy look on his face. "Brooding has become a trademarked aspect of yours," Rena comments, "Anything I can help you with?" The Dog shakes his head as he hides the piece of cloth under him, and says he'll be right down. Rena lets out a muffled sigh and goes away. The Dog feels guilty over constantly keeping things from the one he now considers his best friend, but doesn't feel quite ready to come clean about his woes. He gets up from the bed, puts the piece of cloth away in his drawer, and heads downstairs, with sadness in his eyes...

...That contrasts with the life in the eyes of the puppy that jumps up and down in his old cottage, playing with his master in a flashback. The small white dog's tail wags with excitement as Willy, the 11-year-old boy who takes care of his precious pet, throws a small ball to a corner of the house and the puppy moves quickly to grab it with his teeth and return it to his master. "Way to go, Buster!!" They spend their afternoons after school playing with one another, keeping each other company. Willy's grandfather's voice can be heard coming from the kitchen, saying he's made them all a snack, and the boy answers that he'll be right over. "Come on, Buster," he says, as the young dog puts the ball back in his hand, "Time for a break." He pets the white dog on his head as its tail wags in a fast motion. He sees the boy in black and white, but whenever Willy shows up at home coming from school, the dog's day is filled with color. "You know you're my best friend, right?" Willy asks of his pet companion, "I wish you could talk... Or understand what I say. But you have an idea, right, buddy?" The dog barks at his master, lovingly. Willy chuckles and says, "It's okay, boy. I 'woof' you too." Boy and dog head into the kitchen, together, as they almost always are.

ONCE UPON A PENIS

Act I[edit | edit source]

The Evil Queer rests inside a solid gold bathtub, covered in bubbly, soapy water, a cucumber slice on each of his eyes, a towel wrapped around his head, two fingers of his left hand lodged up his anus and moving around to create that sensational feeling, and the other having its nails filed by one of the golden castle's servants. He appears relaxed, content, for these are the moments in life he cherishes - the ones where he can just let go, not being bothered by all the drama that surrounds his everyday life. All good things must come to an end, however, for the Imp comes hopping into the grand bathroom, reminding him of the to-do list for that day. His Majesty chooses to ignore his lesser though, hoping that he'll eventually go away; he doesn't. "Your Highness," the Imp exclaims, "Don't you think it's time to get started with the day?" The Queer sighs, for he knows the Imp won't just leave, and that he also has a kingdom to run and duties to attend to. Does that mean he cares? Not exactly. "After due consideration, Imp, I've decided it be best I take a personal day. With the curse, running a kingdom, and those fucking heroes, I really just haven't had any 'me' time, and, well, if I don't get some of that soon then I will be making lives a lot more... difficult. Sic the guards on my ex-wife's palace; perhaps have them take a few lives, but most importantly make sure they get back my bloody father! Now, if you would, fuck off for the remainder of the day. K? Thanks." The Imp nods affirmatively, not that the Queer would see it with his eyes still covered, but he proceeds to do as told. Meanwhile, however, the Fucksman has heard everything, having been listening from the other side of the wall. He doesn't like the sound of what his Master has ordered, and he knows something must be done.

The Dog heads back to his bedroom after having had lunch, feeling the need to lie down and properly digest his food. Nothing like lying down after eating a lot. He enters his bedroom and gets in bed, putting one hand over his stomach and spreading out his legs, feeling relaxed. Then he feels the need to use the bathroom, and he gives thanks over being allowed to stay in a palace with all sorts of luxuries available. The people outside of its premises, the commoners, can't afford toilets. Some don't even have facilities in which to tend to those primal necessities. The Dog's days of crapping in the woods are over, however. He gets up to go to the bathroom nearest to his bedroom, and sees Rena by the door, grabbing a hold of the key on it. He takes it out of the keyhole, and the Dog wonders what he's doing. Rena tells him, "We've known each other for quite some time now, and you're still having trouble opening up to me. I really feel like that's necessary, to have some further exposition on who you are. So, I'm gonna help speed things along." This said, Rena closes the door to the Dog's bedroom and locks him inside. The white animal rushes to the door and starts banging on it. "Rena, what the fuck?! Let me out of here, I need to use the bathroom!" "Then we should get right to business. How did you become an anthropomorphic dog?" "Rena I swear to God I will kick the door down over you!!" "Who is the woman in the locket?!" Rena asks, not budging (see "Hungry Like the Dog"). Blow White walks past him, carrying with her a severed pig's head. She hears the Dog banging on his bedroom's door. Rena notices the pig's head. "I won't ask if you won't ask," they both say in unison. Blow keeps walking to her bedroom, as the Dog continues screaming at Rena to let him out.

Buster, the small white puppy, comes out of his master's bedroom bringing with him his favorite chewing toy (a novelty in the Embiggened Forest at the time). As Willy and his grandfather sit at the kitchen table and eat, in a flashback, Buster, who has already eaten, now bites into his plastic bone. Willy chuckles as he watches his best friend have fun, wagging his furry little tail all the while, and then the boy notices his grandfather having a hard time handling the spoon with which he's feeding himself. His hand shakes constantly, and Willy moves to help him, beginning to spoonfeed the old man. "You should see a doctor, grandpa, I think your arthritis is back and more severe this time," Willy tells his guardian. "I will," he promises, before apologizing for making the young man take care of him, when it should be the other way around. Willy tells him not to worry, that he's got his back, as the dog watches them from the floor. The old man starts to recount a story from a few years back: "Do you remember a time, when your parents were still alive, where... My hands shook so much that I always made a mess whenever I ate. Your father, my wicked son-in-law, forced me to eat by the stove and when I dropped my expensive bowl and broke it, he made me a wooden one and told me I shouldn't be trusted with nice things. So one day you started to carve a bowl out of wood and when they asked you what it was for, you said, and I never forgot it, 'I'm making a wooden bowl that daddy can eat out of when he's older like grandpa'. And from that moment on they allowed me to sit back at the table with them and eat out of a glass bowl." Willy claims not to remember this. "You were too young... But so bright, like you are now. They would be proud of you." Willy smiles. Then, as he brings the spoon with broth up to his grandfather, the old man coughs and a large amount of blood comes out of his mouth and into the spoon. A few tiny droplets sprinkle over the puppy's white fur. Willy's grandfather starts coughing uncontrollably and the young boy panicks. "Buster, go get the doctor!!"

The Fucksman runs through the empty halls of the west wing of the golden castle; he's in a rush. Finally, he makes it to one of the printing rooms; it appears a bit abandoned, for there's hardly any light, and there's cobwebs everywhere. Fucks looks around for a moment, and soon finds a quill and ink. He realizes there's no paper, so he rips a piece of cloth from his shirt, and proceeds to write a message. As he does so, the Imp hops down the hallway, humming a tune to himself, but his attention is caught by the opened door to the room in which the Fucksman is currently in. Meanwhile, Fucks finishes his letter and he heads for the window; he pushes it open and whistles for a bird. Once handing it the letter, he directs the small, feathered creature in the direction of Cinderali's palace, uttering that it must hurry, for it's an emergency. The Imp watches this, and says to himself in a quiet and calm tone, "Oh, no, no, no, this just won't do." He then turns around, heading in the opposite direction, with a new idea. As he does so, he continues hopping away and no longer humming his tune, so as to not alert the Fucksman of his presence.

"You ready to open up yet?" Rena asks, leaning against the door to the Dog's bedroom still. The latter has stopped banging due to being tired. "Is this how people in your world get others to do that?" the Dog wonders, and Rena recounts that he once had a therapist - "Not of my own choice, a court-mandated thing." - who went to some rather extreme lengths to get the truth out of his patients, because he didn't believe in playing it nice, he found it prejudicial to keep anyone stewing in ommissions and lies for any longer. "Come on, Dog, you know you can trust me," Rena tells his friend, "And you know that you do want to get some stuff off your chest. I know I do. I think we might have more in common than you think, so just... throw me a bone. Pun totally intended." The Dog sighs and agrees. Rena unlocks the door. As soon as it's open, the Dog immediately punches Rena square in the jaw, sending him to the floor. "Now that that's out of the way," the creature tells the Savior, "Alright, let's talk. The woman in my locket... Her name is Anitta." As he says this, he takes out the locket from his fur pocket and opens it. Rena gets up, wiping the blood off his lip, and says the name doesn't ring a bell, meaning he can't associate it with a known fairytale character. "But I'm willing to bet it's the woman Slutty Red says you killed. Her mother." The Dog nods. "So... did you?" "Kill her? Of course not," the Dog says, calmly, "I loved Anitta. We were an item for some time there. I even asked her to move in with me and she agreed to. She hated living with her family, her mother was horrible and her daughter ungrateful, and kept making the same mistakes Anitta wished she'd never done. I came to her house one day to tell her everything was all set up for her move, and found her dead in bed. She had been stabbed a lot, I believe. Her blood was already drying when I got there, all over the bed, the sheets, the walls... Her mother caught me looking at her and believed I had killed her. So, ever since then, everyone in that village has been looking for me, and they even got the Queer to put up some 'wanted' posters throughout the land." "And that's why you're known as the 'Big Bad Dog'?" Rena wonders. "It's... part of it, yes." "So, every now and then you just get to thinking about her and get gloomy, is that it?" The Dog shrugs his shoulders and says, "I guess... I really miss her. All the time. And, adding to the fact that I lost her is the fact that her killer is still out there somewhere and I have no idea who it is or why they did that. And then..." The Dog is reminded of something, and heads back into his bedroom to retrieve the torn-off piece of red silk he took from the Hunterer's pocket. He hands it to Rena, who examines it and wonders what it is. The Dog answers, "It's a piece from... from Anitta's silk nightgown. I remember it so well... I loved it whenever she put it on, and she did it especially for me. There's the tiny wolf on the edge of it and everything. Her mother knitted it for her, so I know this was Anitta's. It's what she was wearing when I found her... I guess she was waiting for me." Rena asks where he found this, to which the Dog responds that it was in the pants' pocket of the Hunterer when he was found dead by them. Rena's eyes widen at this revelation, and the Dog claims that he is now appalled because he's thinking maybe his retarded friend snapped one day for whatever reason and killed Anitta, or at least knows something about it. "But he's dead now, and will never be able to tell me." "Did he know Anitta?" Rena asks, to which the Dog says everyone in the village knew her, she had always been very popular. "Was he prone to violent outbursts? Some defficient people..." "Not really," the Dog says, "He was always very pacific. Hunt used to even be friends with... well, with my former owner. Kids loved him. A very gentle soul all around. But this... I just don't know." Rena promises his friend that they will one day uncover the truth. The Dog asks how he can be sure, to which Rena tells him, "Hey, this is my fairytale. And it wouldn't be a very good story if it didn't deliver on everything we wanna know. We're gonna learn the truth eventually, trust me." The Dog smiles lightly at this. "Now, wanna tell me about this whole thing with you having had an owner?" The Dog asks that he give him some more time: "I've already opened up about what troubles me the most right now. There's other stuff, I can assure you of that, but..." "Some other time," Rena says, "I understand. I'll meet you halfway. And tone it down when it comes to my therapist's methods." The Dog appreciates that. Rena says he's going to play cards with Pornocchio now, and asks if he wants to join them, but the Dog tells him: "Actually, no, quid pro quo. Speaking of Porn, you once told him, at the same time that I did, that you also lost someone you loved (see "In Harm's Way"). Who was it?" Rena's smile disappears, and tells him, "Our time's up." He turns around and walks downstairs. The Dog sighs and finally heads to the bathroom.

In a flashback, Willy, the Dog's former owner, waits impatiently for the village's doctor to emerge from his sick grandfather's room and tell him what's wrong. Buster himself gets nervous, picking up on his best friend's state of mind. He had already gotten the doctor to come for them, something that was very common. Buster was a particularly smart and intuitive dog, and Willy asked him to do all sorts of chores that the young dog was more than happy to help out with. The local doctor finally makes himself seen again, and the look on his face tells it all: "I'm so sorry, Willy, but... I'm afraid it's bad. Your grandfather, he... I did an M-Ray, and he has cancer." Willy's eyes widen at this; he had heard of the mysterious new illness that was taking countless lives throughout Fairy Tale Land, but he didn't for one second think it had befallen his grandfather. The doctor explains that cancer involves abnormal cell growth with the potential to spread and invade other parts of the body. He believes the old man has pancreatic cancer, but he needs to conduct more medical and magical tests to be conclusive. Willy sits down to assimilate all of this, and the doctor puts one comforting hand over his shoulder. "I know this must be hard for you, my son. You've already lost both your parents in that tragic wheelbarrow accident. Unfortunately, cancer is not treatable at the moment. It appears to be some sort of new Black Plague. But we will do our best to keep it under control." The doctor then excuses himself, saying he has to consult with some colleagues, and leaves the desolate family in their cottage. Willy stares blankly ahead, letting this all sink in, and little Buster jumps up onto his lap, moaning at his owner, sharing his pain. Then a thought dawns on poor Willy: "We need magic to save grandpa, Buster. Powerful magic. We have to go to the most powerful warlock in the land." Buster lowers his tail and ears, and Willy nods. "That's right, Buster. We have to go see... the Blind Bitch."

Blow White stumbles down the driveway of the blue palace, holding a wine bottle in one hand and cheese-in-a-can in the other. Once having chugged down the remaining bit of alcohol left in the bottle, she throws it behind her, shattering it. The princess is still in her nightware, despite it being noon time already, which consists of a pair of black panties that read, in hot pink coloring, "FAPULOUS" across the back, and, well, nothing actually covering the upper half of her body. She sprays the cheese into her mouth, but accidentally spills a bit on her left breast. Not wanting it to go to waste, of course, she licks it off. She heads for the mailbox to pick up any delivered letters and/or packages for the day, but a familiar voice soon calls out to her: "That is just outrageous!" Blow turns to see none other than her own stepmother/stepfather/stepthing, the Evil Drag Queen, making her way by in her very own carriage. "What the actual fuck are you doing here?!" Blow asks, annoyed by the presence of the one who has inflicted the most hell onto her life. The Evil Drag Queen sneers, asking if that is any way for Blow to speak to family. "Nigga, fight me! I dunno what kinda game you're trying to play but bitch I will beat your fucking ass!!" The Evil Drag Queen chooses to ignore Blow's words of hate, and goes on to tell, "So recently I've taken in this lovely dog, named him Porngo, and well, it's been difficult, really. Oh my Lord, potty-training one of those things is the absolute worst! Of course it just so happened to shit in the carriage, and, well, I can't just keep that in here." With that, the Evil Drag Queen holds out a bag containing her new dog's feces. Blow is disgusted, and her stepmother furthers this by holding out a lighter, setting the excrement on fire, and promptly throwing it at Blow's feet. "OH HELL TO THE FUCKING NO!!" Blow roars, picking up the nearest rock and throwing it at the carriage, shattering the back window. The Evil Drag Queen dodges this, and directs her carriage driver to start moving. She waves her hand out the window at her stepdaughter, exclaiming, "Toodles." "YEAH YOU BETTER FUCKING TOODLES THE FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTLYN JENNER WANNABE!!!" The Evil Drag Queen's wave then turns into nothing more than her middle finger being risen, but the carriage continues to drive away. Blow goes back to checking the mail, mumbling to herself as she does. Once grabbing all that's been delivered, she starts to head back to the palace; however, the bird carrying the Fucksman's letter arrives, and drops the piece of cloth with the message on it directly between Blow's breasts. This freaks the princess out, who panickedly screams, and bashes the bird over the head with the cheese-in-a-can, killing it. Blow then takes the piece of cloth to read the message; her eyes widen and her jaw drops, but she manages to utter an "Oh shit!"
"Oh shit!" exclaims Rena, reading the message from the Fucksman, all the while being surrounded by Dog, Ali, and Porn. King Midass lies on the sofa in the distance, wondering what is going on. "Josh," Ali exclaims, "He's sending his guards to storm the palace, to take you back, and possibly worse..." The sound of this frightens the King, and the Dog and Porn wonder what it is they're going to do. "Well I know what I'm doing," Blow exclaims from the top of the stairs, now dressed, holding in her hand a tinfoil-made swan, containing dinner leftovers from the night before, while palace servants carry her many suitcases down the stairs and out the door, "I'm getting the fuck outta here and away from that fag for a while and hittin' up Arenhelle. That bitch Princess Annus owes me a favor from way back when. Bye, you buncha Felicias." Blow starts to head for the door, but everyone else looks at one another, all having the same thought in their head. Ali steps forward, and calls out to her friend, "Blow, wait, I have an idea," she exclaims with a smile on her face. Blow is confused.

Act II[edit | edit source]

A flashback starts, and we are treated to a lovely sight of the gingerbread house, standing in that particular clearing in the woods we've seen it in before. It's a bright, beautiful day in the Embiggened Forest, and the candy-laden structure of the place looks particularly alluring. The gelatine windows glisten when the sunrays are reflected in them, and the magic preserving the house keeps the chocolate doors from melting. Any wandering child passing by could not possibly resist the temptation of going inside or at least having a bite at the licorice picket fence or the candy cane pillars. But Willy is too smart to fall for this, not to mention well fed. He's heard many gruesome tales about the evil sorceress living inside the candy house. Legend had it she fed off of the small children that visited the place to preserve her own youthful look. With a cross dangling from his neck in a beaded necklace, Willy prepares to go in. He kisses the cross and heads inside, accompanied by his ever-present, ever-loyal young dog.
Inside the gingerbread house, the image differs greatly. Dark, dank and scary, the interior of the house in nothing compares to its exterior. The Blind Bitch sits over her feet in the attic downstairs - which would eventually serve as an execution room complete with a gas chamber - before a pentagram drawn with the blood of innocent children on the floor. Behind her, on the wall, is a ruby-incrusted mirror. Voodoo dolls and children's bones hang from the ceiling. And the Blind Bitch chants, in Latin: "Unum est principium omnium... Duo sunt identificantur gemellis fœtibus... Tribusque horis noctis aeternae... Quattuor augmenta lunae... Quinque cornua bestiam... Sex stellarum transvolantium redditis... Septem volantis cum impetu super pulmenti creabit imagine lunae... Caelo tegitur cumuli... Cum autem conversus fuerit ad mare sanguine... Et repletus fluminibus terris monumenta." Before she can finish her incantation, she hears a noise upstairs - the sound of the front door being opened. Infuriated over having lost her concentration but also titillated at the possibility of it being another child to feed on, she gets up off the floor and heads upstairs, walking slowly up the creaky steps so as to announce her coming in the eeriest way possible.
Willy awaits with dread, as Buster simply explores the dark corners of the gingerbread house. In the back, he finds a doggy door that he goes out and then comes back in through. Willy calls out to him, to keep him company, and the Blind Bitch makes herself visible at last. The young man notices how beautiful she is, or could be if it weren't for the disturbing white eyes and the way she dresses and wears her hair up. Her very presence sends a chill down his spine, and when she opens her mouth to greet him, her voice seems both ethereal and obscure, thin and heavy. "You're probably hungry," she tells him, "I'm sure you've been wandering around these woods, without a thing to eat for days." Willy denies this right away, promptly telling her that he planned to find her place and talk to her, and that he came packing protection. He holds the tiny cross in his hand, making the witch before him put on an uneasy look as she senses the holiness emanating from it, as though it poisons the air she breathes. "I also have bottled holy water and a rosary," he claims, and the Blind Bitch suddenly wishes she had simply stuck to the dark magicks she started out with as a young witch rather than having sold her soul to the Devil for her added power. "I need help," the boy says, "My grandfather, the only family I have left - other than Buster here," he points to the dog, to which the Bitch wrinkles her nose, "He's dying. I need to get a cure to save his life. So I'm willing to make a deal with you. You give me all the magic you can muster to save my grandpa, and I will offer myself to you. For you to feed on. To stay young." The Bitch smiles, wickedly. "How very noble of you. And why exactly do you think your grandfather would want this? He must be an old man, who's lived his life properly, was probably lived out long before you came into the picture. If I saved him, he still wouldn't have many years to live ahead of him. You, on the other hand, have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you give it up, and why would he want you to?" Willy doesn't have an answer prepared for this, and he tries to come up with one: "B-because... my grandfather is burdened with having to take care of me. It ages him terribly. If I'm out of the picture, he'll be happy and trouble-free for many years. Whereas if I lose him, I will be without a parental figure to look after me, and will be lost in life, no one to guide me. It's a far less positive outcome." The Blind Bitch is forced to laugh at this. "You're good, kid, I'll give you that," she says, "Smart. A quick thinker. But don't try to deceive a woman who has centuries of deceiving others under her belt. You wish me to give you a cure for your grandfather. After he's proper and healthy, you will hang on to your holy protections and keep me from ever getting my hands on you. And dishonor our deal." The boy shakes his head, trying to deny it, and all the while feeling nervous that she's on to him. "No, I..." he starts to say, but she puts up her hand and forces him to stop talking, telling him, "You're not going to put that plan into motion, I'm afraid. That being said... I might make another deal with you. But first and foremost, put a leash on your fucking dog!" Willy finally notices how Buster has been pulling the Blind Bitch's dress with his teeth, as though he wants to play with her. She kicks him away and he is hurt and frightened, saddening his owner. "Now, as I was saying," she continues, "Oh for fuck's sake put the dog outside!" Buster is now gnawing at the sofa in the living room, and the Bitch can hear this. "Buster, come here!!" The white puppy gets by his master's side and the Bitch finally resumes: "There is something I need. Something I must have, but can't get to. It's kept in a pocket dimension, where only the purest of heart can go in. Needless to say, that excludes me. But your willingness to risk your life and come here to save your grandfather proves how kind-hearted you are, despite trying to trick me. I'll give you directions and instructions on how to find that place, then you'll get in and bring me what I want. After that, I'll give you a cure." Willy asks how he can be expected to trust her, and she simply smirks, points to the children's bones on the kitchen floor and ironically tells him, "Because I have a soft spot for children."

Back at the blue palace, Blow lies across one of the downstairs sofas, having her feet massaged by a random palace servant. Meanwhile, Ali directs some of the other palace crew members with moving numerous luggage outside and to a carriage. "Also, be careful with that bag, it's fragile," she exclaims, resulting in an eye-roll from her best friend. Ali turns back to the unnerved princess, thanking her for allowing everyone to join her to vacate the palace. "Yeah, whatever," Blow exclaims, "I sexted Annus about all you extra fuckers joining me and she said her damn castle wasn't big enough; now what are we supposed to do?!" Ali assures Blow that everything will be alright, but the only response she receives from her friend is a loud burp in the face. Meanwhile, outside, Pornocchio is joined by Bellend, Geppedo and Jizzinme Cricket, all of which have their own carrying bag of belongings (Jizzinme's is, of course, fun-sized to accommodate his needs.) "It was very nice of Blow White to make three more extra seats available," Geppedo exclaims, "She seems like a very lovely woman." However, he, Belle, and Jizz look into the palace and see Blow scratch the pit of her arm, before proceeding to sniff it; all comments are kept to themselves. Up in Ali's chambers, the fair princess makes her way in to find Rena getting together any last minute possessions. "The Dog is helping Father to the carriage, and then we'll be ready," she exclaims, to which Rena jokes, "Let me guess, Blow had it constructed from a giant apple, right? Since she was probably envious of your iconic pumpkin one?" "Not exactly..." Ali replies.
Rena and company are next seen boarding what appears to be a gigantic banana on wheels; "Well I'll be damned," Rena exclaims, being the last to hop in, along with the Big Bad Dog. "Uh, uh, uh," Blow exclaims, stopping the two from getting in, "Y'all two peckerheads get to ride up front. Sumbitchez needa drive.
Now dressed in banana uniforms, Rena and Dog steer the carriage away from the blue palace; the Dog is less than enthusiastic, but Rena can't help but chuckle. "First that bitch makes us sit on these uncomfortable seats and steer a couple of shitting horses, then she makes us dress like two fruit cocks?! I don't give a fuck if her other drivers have to dress like this, I'm not a fucking chauffeur!" "Oh come on," Rena exclaims, not actually minding this, "It's not all that bad. At least we're escaping the Queer in time." However, all the Dog does in reply is mumble a few things under his breath. "Ooh, idea," Rena exclaims, "Say 'peanut butter jelly time'." "Huh?" the Dog asks, not getting the reference, but Rena chooses to brush this off, "Nevermind, it was just this thing in a show back in my land; you wouldn't understand." As the carriage keeps moving, it comes to a bridge that crosses a gold river. "What the fuck?!" Rena exclaims, halting the carriage immediately, freaked out by the yellowy liquid. From inside the carriage, Blow, unnerved by the sudden stop of the vehicle, picks up the wall phone which calls out to Rena and the Dog from outside. "Is there a fucking problem?!" she asks, "Is there a fucking reason for your unnecessary stop that made me drop my Big Mac all over the fucking floor?! Get your heads outta your asses, your hands off your cocks, and your shit TOGETHER!" Meanwhile, Bellend turns to Cinderali, asking, "Is she always like this?..." but the princess merely sighs. Back outside, Rena questions, "Am I about to cross a river of piss?!" "Yeah who knows," the Dog exclaims, "This is River Pactolussy. It's like one of the biggest 'must-sees' of the kingdom." Rena doesn't quite know how to respond; he should be used to this type of stuff by now, but alas, some things just never settle in; "I... okay," he exclaims, proceeding to carry on, across the bridge.

At the golden castle, the Imp peeks into the Evil Queer's chambers, checking up on him; he sees that his Majesty is receiving a seaweed wrap, and so he decides that now is not the time to disturb his superior. He decides to go back about his own business, and starts skipping down the halls, humming a tune to himself. After a while, he makes his way to a certain part of the castle... an off-limits part. Before the creature stands a double door, and after looking around to make sure no one is nearby to see him, the Imp pushes the doors open and makes his way inside. This is revealed to be the Queer's secret vault - his vault of hearts. The Imp looks around, for there are numerous aisles of shelved hearts, but the creature finally comes across a small box entitled "FM", meaning it's the box containing the heart of the Fucksman. The Imp removes it from the shelf and takes the heart from the box; an eery smile appears across his face while doing so, and he says to himself, "Time for some fucking fun."

In her home, Granny Fanny sits at the kitchen table, polishing numerous tools kept around the house. Slutty Red enters; her arm has been re-attached, and is currently in a sling. "You're lucky that damn quack owed me a favor," Fanny exclaims to her granddaughter, "We could've been in deep shit had I actually alerted his wife about those old late-night 'house calls' he would make to Anitta." Red rolls her eyes, for if there's one thing in the world she absolutely cannot stand, it's when people talk ill of her deceased mother. However, at the moment, she has other business to attend to; "I want another go at it," she exclaims. "Excuse you?" Fanny asks in return, questioning what in the world is going through her granddaughter's head. "You heard me; I wanna go out and fucking rip that piece of shit to shreds for what he did to my mom." Fanny shakes her head though, for she won't hear of this; she reminds Red that she already lost her arm in the first battle with the Dog, and states that they can't afford any more medical bills, "Besides, while you were on bed-rest, I formed an angry mob of villagers; they're heading after the dog as we speak." "Typical..." Red replies in an annoyed tone, something Granny Fanny does not quite appreciate. Standing from her chair and dropping the tool she was currently polishing, onto the table, Fanny forcefully strikes Red across the face, exclaiming, "Now you listen to me, you ungrateful little slag. Ever since you mother died, I've continued to give you food from my table and put a roof over your head. I've been working my ass off to hunt that mutt down and avenge Anitta for the both of us. I've cooked for you, I've cleaned for you, I've even gone out of my way to make deals with Rumpleforeskin to obtain those magic abortion pills from other fucking realms so you can continue whoring around as you please. I love you with all my Goddamn heart... which is why I don't want to see you hurt. You're all I have left of my daughter, and I can't lose you to that beast as well... Now get the fuck out of my sight; I have things to do. When the villagers bring back the Dog's head, I have a few decorating ideas I'd like to test." She picks up the tool she was currently polishing; "I was thinking of using this to gouge out the eyes; maybe I'll send them to the Sheriff of Fuckingham as a Christmas gift." Red looks as if she's going to gag.

"My stupid Nintardo Wee isn't working," Blow White complains as she tries to play Wee Sports inside the banana carriage, the MV screen in front of her on the inside of the wall that has Rena and the Dog leaning against it on the other side, not letting anyone else play despite the fact that she has two remote controls. Ali explains to her that in order to play that game she has to actually stand up and pretend to be playing sports. "What?!" Blow complains, "What the fucking fuck?! This piece of shit game expects me to get off my ass and work out? I didn't spend a bundle on this to break a sweat!" "Can I play?" Porn asks. "You can play with your dick!!" The young wooden boy looks down, disappointed. "Okay, I'm gonna try the archery game," Blow says to herself, "Maybe then I won't have to stand up." She selects this game mode and the little virtual doll onscreen that's supposed to represent her prepares to fire an arrow into a target in front of it. Blow does her best to mimick the archer, and when she presses the button on the remote to fire, an actual arrow bursts through the wall of the carriage behind her, narrowly missing her head, and hitting the MV screen where the target of the game is supposed to be. The screen is broken and sparks start to come from it, and the people (and creatures) inside the carriage let out a scream. "Who the fuck done gone busted ma flat screen?!" Blow shrieks, irritated, and a slew of other arrows start to pierce through the carriage, prompting everyone to duck for protection. One of them hits Pornocchio in the stomach, but him being made of wood, it doesn't faze him.
On the outside of the carriage, the drivers, Rena and the Dog, are alarmed by the sounds of loud screams and horses galloping coming from behind them. The Savior leaves the Dog to command their own horses in order to be able to take a peak over the long banana, and is surprised and frightened to see dozens of men riding behind them, in hot pursuit of them. "Give us the Dog!!" they all seem to shout; "Get them!!" "Kill that big, bad dog!!" The Dog hears this and gets scared.

In a flashback, the dog, as a young white puppy, accompanies his previous owner, Willy, in a quest for the pocket dimension the Blind Bitch spoke of. Wagging his tail all along, Buster is excited to help in any way he can. The two best mates reach a clearing in the woods (the woods of the Embiggened Forest have a lot of clearings, accept it), and Willy, holding up a map drawn by the witch herself, says that he thinks they've reached the place. Cross still around his neck, he takes out from his left pocket a tiny velvet bag containing some magic dust. He blows into it, and the dust magically removes the protection spell concealing a blue door standing in the middle of the clearing, apparently leading nowhere. Willy is amazed at this, and how easy it was to uncover the entrance. "Are you ready, Buster?" The dog barks, and Willy turns the knob on the door and walks through it, his best friend coming along.
Inside the pocket dimension, it's as dark and dank as it is in the gingerbread house. Willy gets a chill when he sees the things the Blind Bitch wanted: chrysalids. Giant chrysalids. Whatever she's after, it is now gestating, morphing perhaps, inside large pupae displayed all through the long, dark room, a certain white glow emanating from each chrysalid, the only sources of light in the area. "You know something, Buster? I dread at the possibility of all the evil the Blind Bitch could do with... whatever these things are. There must be like a hundred of them..." He sighs. Then he is reminded of why he is there, and he decides to go forward with his plan. "I suppose there's always a chance someone can stop her later. Once grandpa has been saved, I can warn the locals, the sheriff and everyone, of what the Blind Bitch is up to. Maybe they can stop her. It's high time someone did. I just... I feel so guilty. Unleashing such evil, letting it reach her hands, just so that I can save my grandfather. Because I love him. It's selfish, Buster, isn't it?" The dog doesn't answer. "It just doesn't seem right. I'm affecting the greater good to save a single life. That's not pure of heart at all. How did I make it in here then? And can anyone really quantify how pure a heart can be? Am I overthinking things?" The dog barks, and Willy takes this as a "yes". He sighs again, and reaches into his right pocket, from which he takes out a medium-sized red box. "This is called Pandoratheexplorer's Box. The Bitch gave it to me. It's supposed to be able to contain the 'greatest evil' in the world. Let's see if it works." Willy opens the lid of the box, making its opening face the pupae in front of him, and all of a sudden the hundred or so chrysalids are sucked into the box, turning smaller as they do. Once they're all inside, Willy closes the lid and puts the box in his pocket. Then, he and his puppy leave the enchanted place.

The Dog is scared for his life and the lives of all of those he travels with as dozens of people from the village in which he used to live chase after them, wanting to place his head on a spike. Rena asks who these people are, and the Dog explains to him that they must have been sent by Granny Fanny, who fancies herself a leader in her village. "They want to avenge Anitta's death!" A few flaming arrows are fired, and Rena is surprised at the villagers' aptitude, being able to make use of these weapons with such dexterity as they ride on horses, as though they're expert knights. "I have to fight," Rena tells his partner. "What?" the Dog asks, as the Savior gets up on top of the carriage. "Rena!!" Ali shouts from below him, her head poking outside of the carriage; "Ali, get back inside!" he orders, but she hands him a mace to defend himself with. "Neat-o," he says as he takes it from her, and swings it around. At first, he struggles to find balance on top of the moving carriage, riding over an accidented road, but he soon gets the hang of it. The horseback riding villagers manage to catch up with the banana, not having to pull as much weight as Cinderali's horses do, and one of the riders soon jumps on top of the carriage, wielding a sword. Rena greets him: "Hi, I'm Buffy Summers with a freaky penis and I'm about to make that sword my own." The man doesn't react to this at all, instead opting to lunge his weapon at Rena, who manages to dodge it promptly with skill, Rumpleforeskin's training finally coming in handy. After a series of lunges and skivving, the man accidentally jams the sword into the hood of the carriage (narrowly missing Geppedo's head on the inside), and when he can't get it out, Rena takes the opportunity to kick the villager away, sending him spinning into the air. Meanwhile, the Dog does his best to make sure the carriage hits the other horses running alongside it. From inside, Bellend shouts, "Don't hurt the horsies!!", but the Dog ignores her plea, while Blow just rolls her eyes. When one man gets by his side, the Dog immediately punches him in the jaw, making him lose his balance and fall to the ground below him, eventually being trampled by the horses that followed him. Another man jumps on top of the carriage, with a sword of his own, and he and Rena engage in a sword fight right away. This man, a buff young individual, seems to be more trained at this than Rena himself is, and the Savior finds himself in actual peril. The strong enemy manages to disarm Rena, and knock him to the hood of the moving carriage with the side of the sword. Rena's eyes widen with fear, and he tries to make a move for his mace, but it rolls away and to the ground below them. The man brings his sword downward and Rena spreads his legs open to avoid getting hit. He then smiles with wicked delight as he prepares to move to behead our hero, but is then pierced through the stomach by yet another sword, one decorated with pink diamonds. "Is it me or have I been coming to your rescue a lot lately?" Blow asks as the man slides down the blade of her custom-made sword to the hood below, then being kicked off the top of the carriage. She helps Rena up, Ali hands him another sword from the inside of the carriage, and the Savior and the Swallower prepare to ward off the ensuing attackers. The Dog keeps the carriage moving all through it, and Rena and Blow continue fighting the angry villagers, as Jizzinme does his best to help out, hovering around the horses' heads and disorienting them. "So what was up with the pig's head?" Rena asks his new partner-in-crime. "Bitch we had a deal!!"

Act III[edit | edit source]

"You failed," Granny Fanny says, "Of course you failed. Why am I not surprised?" Before her, back in the village, stand (or, try to stand) the few surviving warriors involved in Bananagate. "We tried our best, Granny," one of the men tells her, "He has friends, fighters. Someone actually defended him." Everyone in the village addresses Granny as such. "Friends... where in the world did that dirty mutt get friends?" Behind her is Slutty Red, who reminds her, "I told you, Granny, I tracked him to the palace of that blonde princess." Granny is beyond confused at the notion that a royal has taken the Dog in and provided him with security. "Goes to show how corrupt the powers that be around this place are," she comments, "Off with you, then, all of you!" she says, to the injured men, "I must take matters into my own hands as always..." Red looks worried.

Back at the golden castle, the Fucksman roams the halls when all of a sudden he trips, face-planting the marble floors. He's fairly embarrassed, and looks around to make sure no one saw this humiliating event; no one's around, and so he goes to get back up, but is forced to the ground once more. He begins sliding across the floor, on his stomach. He struggles to stand up, but realizes he has absolutely no control. He attempts to call for help, but no one is around to hear him, and he goes on to be dragged throughout the castle, kicking and screaming. He is finally brought to a locked door, leading to a basement room. Magically, the door is unlocked, swung open, and the Fucksman is magically (and violently) thrown down the staircase. Confused and in pain, Fucks looks around, but sees nothing but complete and utter darkness - that is, until several candles flicker on, and the sex slave is able to see a figure in the not-so-far distance. In the figure's hand, the Fucksman is able to make out his very own heart. The figure steps out of the darkness, revealing itself to be the Imp, who lets out an eery laugh. "Holy actual shit..." the Fucksman exclaims, to which the Imp replies with punching the sex slave in the face. "Bite your tongue!" the feces-made lackey of the Queer says; the Fucksman does in fact follow this request, something the Imp finds odd. He then looks down at his hand, realizing he possesses his heart; "Oh, right," he remembers. "What do you want from me?!?!" Fucks asks in fear, to which the Imp reveals that he knows the sex slave alerted Rena and co. to vacate the palace before the Queer's men arrived. Fucks doesn't know what to say, but the Imp says that, however, since the Queer is taking the day off, it has decided to take matters into its own hands. "Meaning?" Fucks asks, to which the Imp replies, annoyed, "Meaning that I'm gonna have some fun and fuck you in the ass!!!" A look of true terror and disgust comes across the Fucksman's face. He realizes what's about to happen, and he is not at all looking forward to it. He thought to himself how not too long ago the Queer made jokes about him hitting rock bottom (See "True Love"), but this, this was most definitely worse. "Strip... wait, no. Don't strip," the Imp exclaims. This confuses Fucks, but he doesn't have enough time to give it much thought before the Imp pounces on him. Knocking the Fucksman onto his back, the Imp, using his empty hand while the other holds onto the heart, begins ripping the Fucksman's clothes to shreds. He starts by tearing off the sex slave's shirt, breaking off each and every button when doing so. He then moves onto the pants, yanking them upward with enough strength to rip them right off. Leaving the Fucksman stark naked, humiliated, and in tears, the Imp demands, "Up on all fours; I've been wanting to try something like this for a long time." The Fucksman does as told, tears pouring nevertheless, and the Imp strips himself, and proceeds to stick his very erect, and shockingly large feces-made penis into Fucks' ass. He thrusts and thrusts, forcefully, making sure to pound against the sex slave as hard as he possibly could. The more pain inflicted on Fucks, the more pleasure for the Imp. He then grabs a hold of the back part of Fucks' hair, pulling his head backwards in order to help give him better balance and stability to keep up the pounding. Fucks lets out several shrieks, most notably those involving the word "ow". The Imp laughs hysterically; it's having the time of its life. Fucks, meanwhile, has had better days. "Not until now did I realize what fun sexual intercourse is," the Imp exclaims, "Such a nice way to pass the time." Fucks doesn't reply, but instead keeps up the constant screams of pain and cries for help. The Imp suddenly stops. The Fucksman lets out a sigh of relief, but of course, it was pretty pointless. "Up on your knees, you little bitch," the Imp orders; the Fucksman, reluctantly, does as told, and it's not long until the sex slave is being forced to suck on a penis that is literally made of human shit. "You're not doing it right!" the Imp exclaims, forcing the penis deeper into Fucks' mouth, "You need to be choking! I want you on the verge of motherfucking death! I want you to - wait.... new idea!" the Imp says, mood switching immediately from annoyed to cheerful. Upon removing his penis from Fucks' mouth, the Imp states that he was doing research on Wikipenisia, "Have you ever heard of fisting?" Fucks' jaw drops, and he appears as if he has simply just given up on life.
"OH MOTHERFUCKING HOLY SHIT GOD DAMMIT JESUS CHRIST HAVE MERCY!!!" the Fucksman screams at the top of his lungs, somehow still not alerting in castle servants. The Imp, meanwhile, has lodged his entire arm up the Fucksman's anus, and is now just moving it around. "The human body is quite an interesting one," the Imp exclaims, "So much has yet to be discovered... Ooh how I wanna learn more!!" The Fucksman just cries.
Back to oral, the Fucksman goes back to sucking the Imp's penis; meanwhile, up the sex slave's ass, has been placed a bottle. This is so the Imp can perhaps come back to this later, but for now Fucks is to keep it in, for they wouldn't want him tightening up again. After some time though, the Imp is finally ready to shoot his very first load. Realizing what is about to come, he removes his penis from Fucks' mouth, and proceeds to cum right over his face. The Fucksman cries as the juice of life from a feces-made being covers his face. The Imp sits down, out of breath, stating that they must do this again sometime; "I do hope you've learned your lesson though," he says to Fucks, who chooses not to reply. "Now," the Imp says, standing back up, approaching the Fucksman, and proceeding to kick him hard in the face, "I've got work to do," and with that, he starts heading back up the stairs, to exit the basement, but stops, looking back, exclaiming, "But yeah, make sure to clean this shit up." The Imp goes back to humming a tune, exiting the basement, leaving the Fucksman all alone. Fucks doesn't know what to do; he sits there, blank look on his face, having been broken. Meanwhile, in a corner of the room, in the darkness and outside of sight, stands the golden statue of Princess Abigoat...

In a flashback, Willy stands before the gingerbread house, looking at it with anxiety, as he holds Pandoratheexplorer's Box in his hands. The dog picks up on his reluctance to go through with the plan, to deliver to the Blind Bitch what she's asked of him. But then the young man is reminded of his grandfather's life being on the balance, and he walks towards the house.
Once inside, he is promptly greeted by the Bitch herself, who stands in the kitchen, the room adjacent to the front door of the house, and who comments that she could sense him outside, and his inner turmoil. The boy asks her what she intends to do with the creatures inside the box, as he hands it to her, and what they are exactly, but she tells him not to concern himself with that. The dog starts to sniff around, attracted by the scent of the scrumptious cupcakes over the kitchen table, and the witch rolls her blind eyes at this, asking why he is always accompanied by the damn mutt. "Because we are best friends," Willy answers, "We are family. I got my white dog with me." "How very... something," the witch says, and Willy tells her he wishes Buster could talk and be more human-like, because they're already best friends anyway, so it would only work to their advantage if they could communicate and understand each other more clearly. The Bitch comments that she hates dogs, despite being called a "bitch" herself. "If you hate dogs, then why do you have a doggy door out back?" Willy wonders, to which the sorceress claims that she didn't put it there. This puzzles Willy, but he decides not to make much of it; instead, he tells her, "Well, I've fulfilled my end of the bargain, now give me what I want. And allow me to remind you that I've taken a shower in holy water." The Bitch chuckles, and tells the boy - "And your filthy pet." - to follow her downstairs. She heads towards the basement, the creaky steps making a noise yet again with every step she takes, and Willy and Buster follow her down, with fear in their hearts, wondering if she's maybe worked a way around the holy protection.
Once down in the basement, Willy is further frightened by how much darker it can be than the above floor, which is plenty dark unto itself. Only a few torches on the walls light it up slightly, and the light coming from them reflects on the ruby-incrusted mirror's frame on the wall. For some reason, the blood with which the pentagram on the floor was drawn is also shiny. The Blind Bitch tinkers with the box in her hands, her eyes never looking down for there is no reason for them to, and Willy dry swallows. "Do you know what's in here?" she asks him, and he shakes his head, reminding her he's already asked her that. "The creatures you've trapped in this box are called 'Whoraiths'... They're very, very dangerous." Willy gulps, and asks what they do. "They suck the life force out of you... your... 'time', really. The life you could live out in the present and into the future? They feed off of it. Slowly, or quickly... However they feel like it. Or however their master orders them to... Their master now being me, of course." Willy gets a shiver down his spine. "With these little babies," the Bitch continues, "I will go on to rule the Embiggened Forest. I will suck the life out of everyone. They will all be old and wrinkly, if not dead, and unable to fight me." Willy is horrified: "You're... you're a..." "Bitch?" she finishes for him, before breaking into a loud, maniacal laughter. "Look, just, just give me what I came here for," Willy says, wanting to be given a cure for his grandfather before he can leave and warn everyone of the malevolent witch's plan. "You damned fool!" she tells him, "There is no cure for cancer! There never was, and who knows if there ever will be? Cancer is a deadly, malevolent plague cursing all the realms that ever existed, spreading like wild fire and taking countless lives! No one has ever come up with a way to fully erradicate it, there is no magic powerful enough to put a definitive stop to it. Even if it seems to be gone for anyone, there's always the chance it might come back. And I hate to break this to you - wait, no I don't - our realm is one of the most tardy when it comes to finding a cure for it." Willy feels tricked. "So... you deceived me?" "Are you honestly surprised? I just told you I plan on making everyone fucking ancient and you're shocked that I tricked a little boy? I FUCKING EAT LITTLE BOYS!" "Get her, Buster!!" Willy shouts, as he sics his puppy on the witch. Buster starts chewing at the Bitch's boot, but she just laughs and kicks him away again. "You flea-infested little rat! You'll get yours!" She opens the box and allows one chrysalid to come out and revert back to its original size, and then pockets the box and waves her hands in the air, with as much flair as possible, and the tiny white puppy starts to get enveloped in a cloud of purple smoke. "Buster!!!" Willy shouts, as the puppy starts to growl with extreme pain, as his limbs and torso are extended. "Bet you didn't remember to shower him with holy water, did you?!" the Bitch says, laughing. Buster's growling turns into an audible human-esque scream. Once the spell is complete, Buster stands before his owner, as a personified young dog. "Willy..." he says, getting over the pain. "Buster?" But the pain has just started. The chrysalid starts to crack, alarming both kid and puppy, and a full-grown Whoraith soon comes flying out of it, spreading a wave of cold air that fills up the basement. It resembles a hooded and caped black creature, all dark, with only a pair of small, twinkling orange eyes in what should be its face, and a golden medallion around its neck. The Bitch laughs with utter glee, and orders the Whoraith to do her bidding. As though it's reading her mind, the Whoraith opens its mouth and starts to suck the life force out of the young dog. Willy screams as his best friend is practically paralyzed and unable to resist the Whoraith's magic, but the Blind Bitch soon lifts up her hand and commands the dark creature to stop. It does, and Willy is shocked to see that his best friend is now an anthropomorphic adult dog... The same creature we now know him as. "Willy..." "Buster..." The Bitch laughs and tells the young man and his faithful companion that now they know what the Whoraith is capable of. "I shall unleash these little beauties all over the Embiggened Forest... all one hundred and one of them... and suck the life out of everyone and give it to me, to keep me forever young. Forever beautiful." "We won't let you!! We will tell everyone, and they'll be ready for you!! We will protect the entire population with holy water if we have to!" The Bitch laughs some more and tells him, "Oh, dear... I sold my soul to the Devil. These babies... They did not." She turns to the Whoraith hovering over her shoulder and simply tells him, "Dahling?" With this, the Whoraith lunges itself at Willy, grabs the young kid and takes him through the mirror on the wall. "Noooo!!" the Dog screams, at the full force of his lungs, as the witch's evil laughter fills up the room with a scary echo effect. The Dog pounces at the Bitch, but with one flick of her fingers she sends him flying against the wall behind him. "Your best friend is mine now!" she tells him, "No amount of holy water can protect him on the other side of the mirror... Where the ones I worship live. And you... he wanted you to be more like him. More... human. He thought it'd be a blessing. Ah! Silly child..." As the Dog gets up, she tells him, "Being human is a curse... You get to experience the most intense, horrific feelings that an absent-minded animal doesn't have to work through. You're gonna feel more pain than you could ever fathom. Be burdened. Like the rest of us. Have fun with that." This said, she throws herself into the mirror, being sucked in. The Dog shouts as her continued laughter's echo seems to fill up the basement. He heads towards the mirror and starts to bang on the wall around it, eventually causing it to fall. The glass shatters on the floor, as does the frame, with several rubies being scattered. The Dog starts to cry over the loss of his owner, as he falls to his knees and tries to put together the pieces of the mirror.

The Queer walks down the halls of the golden castle, magic stick in tow, feeling more relaxed after taking the day off to get pampered. He goes to sit on his golden throne and awaits news. It isn't long before the Imp shows up, commenting on how nice His Majesty looks, to which the Queer smiles with pride, ever so vain. "How was the rescue mission?" the royal asks, expecting a positive answer - nothing could possibly ruin this day, right? Wrong, for the Imp tells him that, unfortunately, by the time the golden knights got to Cinderali's palace, only her servants were there, no one else. The Queer sighs. When faced with disappointing, frustrating news, his typical immediate reaction is to beat his loyal lackey to near-death, but not this time. He is far too relaxed to risk chipping a nail. "Fine, Imp. You have failed me yet again, but I continue to allow you to breathe. Just know you're treading on thin ice. Order the knights to find them, to get my father back." "I'll go get right on that, Sir," the Imp says, before turning to leave. "Oh, and Imp?" the Queer calls out to the creature before it leaves, "Go poke yourself with a hot rod as punishment." The Imp looks sad. It too had had its fun that day, but now things were back to normal. "Yes, Sir." And it leaves to go do all it was asked to.

The heroes have now camped out in yet another clearing in the woods, putting up tents made from silk that Cinderali had ordered right before leaving (a princess' order trumps all others). Geppedo is made to share one with his contemporary equal, Midass. Pornocchio and Jizzinme get another one, Blow is forced to share one with Bellend, which seems to irritate both of them, the Dog is given his own, and Ali and Rena decide to share one, something that takes everyone else by surprise, but not that big a surprise. The Dog looks gloomy as always, and he apologizes to everyone for causing them so much trouble. No one answers, not knowing what to say. Blow, however, puts one foot forward as she starts to address him, but Ali puts her hand in front of her stomach, stopping her best friend. The Dog then turns his back on them to leave, and heads into the woods surrounding them. Rena follows after him.
"You okay?" the Savior asks, to which the Dog tells him he just wants to be left alone for a while. Rena doesn't budge, however. "So, they really think you killed Anitta. And they really care." The Dog nods. "So... just to make sure, again... did you kill her?" "NO!!" the Dog loses it, "No I didn't fucking kill her, thanks for the vote of confidence!!" "Sorry, sorry, it's just... 'Big Bad Dog' and all. Sorry. Anyway, um... I... It's gonna be okay." The Dog rolls his eyes at this. "Is that your idea of a pep talk?" "I'm sorry, I'm still adjusting to this role of leader and junk but, it is gonna be okay, you know?" "How do you figure?" the Dog wonders, rather sarcastically, and Rena steps forward and tells him, "Because this is my fairytale, remember? I have literally dropped into a fairytale world, I am being made the protagonist of my own story, and I know how it ends. I have dealt with fairytales all my life. They're supposed to have happy endings! They're supposed to highlight how, when you least expect it, during a hard situation, miracles can happen that change everything. And even the goriest original ones, they don't end with the good guys dying. Well, I guess the little mermaid does, but that stupid bitch kills herself, so who cares? I am the hero. We're all the heroes. We're gonna come through everything just fine. Trust me." The Dog gives this some thought, and then simply comes to the realization that it's very egotistic and narrow-sighted. Rena admits to this: "Okay, so maybe I'm rationalizing some stuff and taking a pretty huge leap of faith, but... it kinda makes sense." "Not really," the Dog tells him, "Anitta was a good person. And she died. And..." He doesn't finish. Rena tells him right away, "It's okay for good people to die in the past!" The Dog just stares at him with more confusion on his face. Rena explains himself: "Snow White's parents were a benevolent king and queen, but when her story starts, they're almost always dead to begin with. She's already the stepdaughter to the Evil Queen. But Snow doesn't die, neither does the prince nor the dwarfs, only the witch dies. I never met Anitta, Dog, she's just... in the past. A mention, a reference." "What the fuck...?" the Dog is honestly puzzled, and Rena continues: "In my story... my story... you and everyone else, Ali, Porn, they're the present heroes, and nothing all too bad is ever gonna happen to us. Some challenging stuff, sure, typical fairytale drama and action, but we'll come out on top and defeat the bad guys. Besides, Rumpleforeskin has already made it pretty clear that I do defeat the Evil Queer. It's in that prophecy. And he can see the future too, right? So... that." "That doesn't mean we will!!" "Yes, it does!!" Rena promises, "Because I'm gonna have your back... all your backs. Maybe not Blow's cos fuck her amirite?" The Dog sighs. "We will find out what happened to Anitta. I promise. And we will... sort everything out. Now... is there anything else you wanna tell me?" The Dog isn't sure. "Look..." Rena tries to convince him, "I know that it's hard to open up about the stuff that troubles you most, but I also know how bad it is to keep it all bottled up. And you and I have already fought side by side, it's not like there's anyone else out there for you to confide in. I promise I'll make it a two-way street for you, but... just go on. Tell me." The Dog doesn't say anything for a few seconds, and then tells him, "Do you remember when I told you I used to be a regular family pet?" the Dog asks (see "Hungry Like the Dog"), to which Rena nods; "Of course." "Well... my owner, um... he was a young boy, his name was Willy... After I was made into... this, he was... he was taken." Rena sits on a rock nearby and asks him to elaborate. The Dog explains everything to him, about the Blind Bitch, the gingerbread house, Willy's grandfather and the Whoraiths, the pocket dimension and the magic mirror. After all is said, Rena doesn't know how to react. After a few seconds of silence, with him taking this all in, he asks, "Wait... you just said, the Blind Bitch sold her soul to Satan." "Yeah. So?" "Well... that's, that's just what we call... the guy, whatever it is, in my world. Satan. And..." He gets up on his feet, "That makes me realize... You guys say stuff like 'Oh my God' a lot. I never took notice of this, but... You call God and Satan by the names we use in my world, even though they're like, like you guys, just characters really, no one knows for sure if they exist. Is there a Jesus or something?" "Yeah, the son of the Virgin Mary," the Dog answers. "Holy shit... Okay then. I... can't make sense of that, why are fairytales warped but not religious stuff?" "I guess because this is Fairy Tale Land, not Bible Land?" the Dog suggests. "Your logic eludes me but we have no time to get into it, so let's get back on track: wow, I sure am sorry your owner was taken." "Yeah, it was a real bummer." "So... We already have two problems to occupy ourselves with regarding you. Who killed Anitta, and where is Willy? This story's getting complicated..." "Yeah, it should keep us busy for a while," the Dog comments. "Is there any more baggage in your backstory that's gonna prove to be challenging for us in the present?" "No, that's about it, but I'm sure once we get all of this out of the way and run out of stuff to do I'll think of some contrived problem that doesn't fit in well with everything else I've done or let on and that will ruin your appreciation of me because you had just never seen me in that light and didn't need to." "Noted," Rena finishes. "Now... Again, I'm sorry for putting you through all of this," the Dog tells him. "You haven't really put me through much yet. We had to escape because the Queer was after me, not you. Those villagers after you were easy to handle. Only time I really put my neck out on the line was to save Porn's girlfriend. Whom, by the way, I have also never met and is but a reference to me, so it's okay that she died even though she was good. So, no need to apologize." "You really need to work on your plot justification." "Yeah I know I'm just getting excuses out of my ass, I'm sorry." "Just start thinking of ways we can crack the case on Anitta and free Willy." Rena bursts into laughter. The Dog asks him, "What?" "'Free Willy'. Just..." he chuckles some more, "Hey let's eat!"

A flashback ensues, and Buster the Dog, as he is seen nowadays, enters the cottage where he lived as a regular puppy with his masters. Willy's grandfather lies in his bed, still looking sickly, and when the large creature shows up, he is terrified. "Grandpa! Grandpa, it's me, Buster!!" The old man's eyes grow wide as though he's seeing a ghost, and he sits up in his bed, starting to kick his covers away, scared out of his mind. "Grandpa, it's me!! I'm so sorry, I, we were trying to save you, find a cure for you, me and Willy, but, b-but things went terribly wrong a-and..." The feeble old man puts one hand over his chest and screams with agony, as his heart starts to give out. It isn't long before he falls dead on the bed, face down. The cancer didn't get a chance to claim his life. The Dog beat him to it. Buster starts to cry uncontrollably, feeling, yet again, in such a short span of time, immense pain. He kneels down by the bed and grabs Willy's grandfather's hand, resting his forehead against it. And he experiences the worst part of being human. Or human-like.

Night has fallen, and Buster the Dog sits on a large rock in the clearing where he and his friends are now staying, presumably safe from harm, and he takes notice of the many touches of humanity on display before him: Cinderali cooks a meal over the bonfire to feed all of the travellers; Bellend reads from her book of stories to Pornocchio and Jizzinme Cricket, who hang on her every word with delight; Geppedo and King Midass play cards with each other; Blow White and Rena Charming practise swordfighting, actually looking like they're having a good time. The Dog lets out a happy sigh, and for the first time in a very long time he feels proud and relieved to be equaled to a human, to be able to experience the nicer aspects of it all. Then, the moment is ruined when King Midass starts coughing uncontrollably. In a way that immediately gives the Dog déjà vu... Ali stops what she's doing to tend to him, asking the old man if he feels alright. Everyone's attention turns to this, and when Ali places a handkerchief before her father-in-law's mouth, telling him to cough into it, liquid gold comes from the man's mouth, as though he were coughing blood. She looks up at Rena with concern in her beautiful blue eyes and tells him, "He's getting worse..." Rena kneels down by the feeble old man and asks him how this all began, his curse, to which Midass reveals, "It was Rumpleforeskin... he did this to me." "Son of a bitch..." the Dog comments. Rena gets back up on his feet and immediately starts shouting for the Dark One to show himself, but gets no reply whatsoever. "It figures..." he says. Ali is reminded that they didn't pack with them the ingredients necessary to perform the spell to invoke the Dark One, and Rena tells her to forget that. He turns to his dog friend and says, "Dog, Rumple's castle isn't far from here, is it?" The Dog shakes his head, and Rena continues, "Good. We've gone there before, we'll go there again. If that son of a whore won't make more house calls, he's gonna have to put up with us in his house. He did this to you..." he says, now turning to face Midass again, "He's gonna take it away. I'll make sure of it." He turns back to the Dog and asks him, "You up to this?" The Dog smiles at him and answers, "Anytime." This said, off they go, together, as they almost always are.

Unanswered Questions[edit | edit source]

  • Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?
  • What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse?
  • What is Blow's history with red apples?
  • What made the Dog change from a regular pet to a personified animal?
  • What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena?
  • How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world?
  • Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom?
  • How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?
  • Why does Rumple want Ali's firstborn?
  • Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart? Does he really not have one?
  • What quest did the Boob Fairy and Rumple go on?
  • How and when did Slutty Red become a werewolf?
  • How did Abigoat become a golden statue?
  • How did Gabrielle Charming die?
  • How did Ali's father steal Rumple's family? Why does Rumple want to darken Ali's heart?
  • When and why was the Dog ever in the gingerbread house?
  • What did the Hunterer have in his pocket that attracted the Dog's attention?
  • Who killed Anitta Red? Was the Hunterer involved in her murder?
  • Why was Rena sentenced to court-mandated therapy?
  • What happened to Willy?