In Harm's Way

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In Harm's Way
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Season
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06
Airdate
February 14, 2015
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"In Harm's Way" is the 6th episode of Once Upon a Penis.

Summary[edit | edit source]

The time comes for the good guys to join their forces and storm the golden castle in order to save the Ballserina, Porn's dear friend, from being executed in public. Meanwhile, in flashbacks, we become aware of the lengths Pornocchio went to, and the friends he met along the way, to search for a cure to give his father.

Plot[edit | edit source]

Teaser[edit | edit source]

The little workshop stands alone in a clearing in the woods, surrounded by majestic trees, but the house itself looking less than majestic, very unkempt in fact, as if forgotten. But it's not abandoned. Young Pornocchio heads towards the house and opens the front door with a single push, and it creaks as he walks inside. His face lights up a little - only a little - when he sees his father, Geppedo, lying in bed, a single bed found in what appears to be the living room, barely moving. The elderly man looks at his wooden son and smiles. "Pornocchio... my dear boy, I've missed you so..." Were it our world, one could argue that he has a thick Italian accent. Porn heads towards his father and kneels down by his side, greeting him. Jizzinme Cricket, their faithful companion, shows up, flying from the kitchen, and appears absolutely delighted to see Porn as well. On the other side of the room, several lifeless puppets and wallclocks on wooden furniture can be seen. Geppedo asks his son how he's doing, saying he had been so worried for him. Porn apologizes for his continued absence, explaining that he ran into some major complications whilst trying to find a cure for him. Geppedo looks guilty, and the Cricket looks down as well. "And now father, with my sincerest apologies, I must tell you that I can't stay for long. There is something I need to do, someone else I need to save, someone I've come to really care about." Geppedo smiles and asks what her name is. Porn smiles slightly and tells him he only knows her as the Ballserina. Geppedo chuckles, and comments that she sounds lovely, just by hearing what she goes by. The Cricket asks if Porn should need help, and the puppet boy says that he does, he's going to need all the help he can get. "But I assure you, papa," he tells the old man, "I will be back. I will get through this and come back for you, and I will cure you. I will stop at nothing, I swear." Geppedo smiles and says he believes him, and wishes him the best of luck. "Now, give papa a kiss," he asks. Porn looks uncomfortable, but obliges.

Later on, Pornocchio is seen heading a reunion between our beloved heroes - and anti-heroes - and delivering a speech. "First of all, I have to be proper and thank you all for the continued support you've shown me, and will hopefully continue to show me. You barely know me. I'm just an odd thing that shouldn't be alive that fell from the sky into your laps and you've still agreed to risk your lives and join me in battle, to save someone you've never even met. I can assure you that she is worth the trouble..." As he says this, Ali almost feels as though he's blushing, if that were possible, and she smiles softly at this. "I know I will never be able to repay you for this," Porn goes on to say, "So I can only show you my gratitude and appreciation. And I must do it now because God only knows how many of us will make it out alive today." "Way to encourage the troops, general..." the Dog retorts, to which Porn replies, "It's true. Some of us are going to die, possibly all of us. It's not a comforting scenario, so take comfort in this: you're gonna die fighting. You're going down a hero. It's more than most can say." Rena nods, looking quite excited. The Cricket is just proud for the assertiveness shown by his former pupil, the wooden boy. "It won't be just the five of us, of course. I have been lucky enough to have made numerous great friends in the past, who have agreed to aid us, to provide us with further fighting power. We're even going to have men on the inside, thanks to the Dog. And a little magic. We actually have a shot at winning, at saving my friend. Maybe even defeating the Queer once for all. No matter what happens, I have no doubt this will be a day that will be recorded in history. And we will be a part of it." Everyone looks hopeful, but also a bit anxious and frightened. "Make sure you play your parts right," Porn finishes.

ONCE UPON A PENIS

Act I[edit | edit source]

"What do you mean you don't know where she is?!" Pornocchio asks, terribly confused and frustrated, in a flashback. Before the troubled young wooden boy, flying slightly above him, is Nulva, a fairy, who tells him, "We just don't know, I'm sorry. None of us fairies have seen the Boob Fairy in days now. We have no idea where she went." "B-but I need her! My father is terribly sick, I need strong, good magic to heal him. Can you help me?" Nulva shakes her head, telling her she wishes she could help, but the fairies all follow strict directions from their leader not to tend to any tasks to help the humans unless she allows them to. "We had several problems before with this one fairy who took it upon herself to help humans and it ended poorly, so now we have these strict rules to adhere to. So not only can I not tell you where the Boob Fairy is, I can't help you myself, none of us can." Porn sighs and wonders what he's going to do now. "This is ridiculous," he says, "The headmistress of all things good and powerful vanishes without a trace, and none of her... whatever you are, can do anything to help me." "Perhaps there is still hope," Nulva says, whilst floating about, "Fairies don't necessarily hold all the power in the land, even the good kind. There is a library you should consider visiting. Its owner is very well-versed in all things magic and she possesses all sorts of books on the subject, maybe she'll help you come across a cure for your father." Porn asks where the library is, and the fairy promptly answers, adding that he can tell the book lady Nulva sent him. "And who is this book lady?" the boy queries. "Her name is Bellend."

In the present, Pornocchio is seen instructing the Hunterer on what to do and say as soon as he enters the castle, specifically informing him not to disclose of his true motives. The Hunterer nods affirmatively and drools a little, bringing about yet another hint of frustration to Porn's face. Behind them, Rena Charming asks the Dog if he's sure his friend can get the job done. "I'm sure no one will suspect anything," the Dog answers, "Hunt there is generally regarded as completely harmless." Rena nods. "So..." he says, "Today's the day, huh? How do you think it's gonna go down?" The Dog doesn't know how to answer. "Hey," Rena says, "Lighten up. I'm sure it'll be alright. And then, when we come out of this just fine, because heroes are supposed to, you'll be... well, it'll be over for you, right? You'll have gotten your redemption." The Dog asks what he's talking about, and Rena reminds him that he told Rumpleforeskin he was tagging along on this journey and fight because he could use some redemption. The Dog sighs, and acknowledges this. "So, once you fight, it's over, right? Tipped scales?" The Dog smiles at this. "We shall see," he answers, "Somehow I don't feel like it will all be over today. It doesn't... feel like the end, you know? Like we're not ready for that yet." Rena nods and says he knows exactly how he feels. "But then, what is this?" he wonders. The Dog claims not to know. "And... if today isn't the end, and the whole... fighting thing has to go on... then will you still be with us?" the Savior wonders. The Dog smiles and says, "Guess so. One day at a time, whaddaya say?" Rena lets out a hint of a smile. The Dog turns to him and adds, "Don't worry. Dogs are nothing if not loyal."

Blow White takes out a sword from a gallery of weapons up on a wall, in the artillary room. She starts swinging it around, smiling wickedly as she feels empowered. "Oh, God... this feels so much better than holding a dick." Cinderali walks in, and is almost slashed in her throat by Blow's inconsequential twirls with the sword. "Blow!" Ali screams, horrified. Blow is stopped cold on her track and apologizes. "Ali! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to totally almost kill you!" Ali tells her it's alright, and asks what her friend is doing. Blow answers that she's getting ready for the big fight that day. Ali looks confused. "I, I thought you weren't gonna fight." "I know, I was there, I remember, but," Blow starts to say, "I mean, killing that golden knight yesterday, that was so awesome. Ali, I... I tasted blood and it tasted just as good as semen, I want more!!" Ali chuckles, shaking her head with disbelief. Blow holds up the sword, vertically, before her delicate pearly-white face, and says, with a grin, "Let's go kill some people."

There is a knock at the door to the strategy room, and Rena opens it to find one of Ali's servants. "Lord Charming, there is a young lady here to see Mr. Pornocchio," the man announces. Rena turns to his companions behind him and says, with a gleeful smile, "They call me Lord now. It's so cool!!" Porn smiles with relief and tells the man to let her in. A few minutes later, the servant shows back up again, accompanied by a beautiful young brunette in a blue dress. "Bellend!" Porn greets her, delighted. The girl lets out a lovely laugh as the two of them embrace.

Some time before, not that long ago, following his conversation with Nulva the fairy, and taking into consideration the directions and instructions she'd given him, Pornocchio makes it to the cozy little library, lost in a clearing in the woods, with trees having grown over its roof. Porn opens the door, and when he calls out for anyone, a large book falls on top of his head, hurting him. "Oh my God! I'm so sorry, it was an accident!" The beautiful owner of the book store comes down from the sliding stairs that go across the entire bookcase of the left area of the place, and tends to her new visitor. "Are you alright?" she asks, in a loving tone. "Sure," Porn answers, as he recomposes himself, "Ole thinker's made of wood, so, takes a lot more than that to leave a moss." Belle is amazed at the sight of such a strange creature before her. "Right, um, you're, you're a peculiar fellow, aren't you?" Porn doesn't know how to react, despite the fact that he's come across far worse commentaries regarding his aspect. "I'm sorry!" Belle immediately apologizes, "I, I've offended you, I didn't mean to, I..." "It's okay," Porn tells her, trying to brush it off. "No, no, not only am I a klutz, I'm a blabbermouth, I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can help you with, did you come looking for a book?" Porn starts to explain: "Actually, I, um, see, I need help with something. The Boob Fairy is out of the picture for some reason and, um, Nulva, I think she's a friend of yours..." Belle nods at this, smiling politely and hanging on every word, and Porn continues, "Anyway, my father, he's, he's really sick and I was hoping you could maybe help me find a cure for him." Belle nods and tells him, "Of course, I would love to! Don't worry, um... I'm sorry, you didn't tell me your name!" "Pornocchio." "Pornocchio. What a beautiful name. Let's crack open some books, what do you say?"
Some time later, the two new friends are seen sitting on a tabletop in a corner of the library, with dozens of open books surrounding them, ones they've already been through. Porn looks not only frustrated but also very tired. "Ugh, I got nothing, still. You?" Belle doesn't answer, lost in her reading. "Belle?" The beauty looks up at him, and says, "Right. How's it going?" "Not great... I just can't make sense of most of this stuff anyway, magic mumbo-jumbo is so not my thing. You wouldn't have guessed that, since magic made me." She gets lost in her reading again. "Belle!" "What?" she looks back up at him, "I'm sorry, I... look, I... I did come across something right away when we started." Porn asks her why she didn't say anything, and she answers that it's because of what it implicates, and starts to explain: "Look, your father, his condition is made up of pure malice, and is one that isn't studied in detail in any of my books, I'm afraid. I know every book in this library, and most of them don't deal with evil conditions. The darkest books, I keep them locked up in the upper area." Porn looks up at the section above them, with a small staircase leading up to it behind the table where they sit. "So go get them," he says, and she tells him, "No point to it, I also know what they say. What I most feared. If we want any hope of getting rid of such a powerful, evil curse, we must confer with someone well-versed in dark magicks, who might have an idea on how to cure it." Porn asks if she means the Dark One, Rumpleforeskin. "No," Belle answers, looking slightly intimidated, "I mean the person who wrote those books. The most powerful dark fairy in the region. They call her Maleficunt..."

"Are you alright?" Belle asks, in her typical loving tone, when she catches Pornocchio lost in a blank stare. He shakes it off and answers affirmatively. "As alright as I can be right now, I suppose." She smiles. Blow White shows up, gives Belle one look from top to bottom and says, "I don't know who you are, I don't know where you came from, I don't know what you're doing here, but I hate you." Belle is taken aback. "Um, I'm..." "I didn't ask." "But I..." "Still don't care." "What the..." "Bitch I will waterboard you." "You're very rude." "I can, I'm a princess. What the hell are you?" "I'm a..." "Wait, I forgot, still don't care. Mind you, I'm gonna go outside and scold at the earth because it hasn't revolved around me yet today. Let me know when it does and you fall on your flat ass because of the vibrations." Annoyed, Belle tells her: "I hope one day the evil words you apparently like to spew out due to sheer boredom come back to haunt you." "I zoned out so much during that sentence I dreamed." "I can see you're utterly empty on the inside and feel the need to lash out at those happier than you. And prettier." Blow goes quiet. "I'm gonna walk away now," she says. "Because you have no counter-argument?" Belle asks. "No, because I need the impulse to jump up and kick your fat face!" "Ladies!" Porn cuts in between, "Enough! We have to go now, time's of the essence." Belle grabs the book of spells she's brought with her for protection and to use as a weapon, and everyone else gets their hands on all sorts of weaponry, except the Cricket, for obvious reasons. "Are you sure you're ready, son?" Jizzinme asks. "No. Never will be. Let's go." He then turns to Rena, and says, "You're... you're the Savior. Anything you wanna say?" Rena shakes his head and tells him, "This is your battle, we're all just helping you out. Lead the way. Seems like the right thing. Also, um, I have no idea where the Queer lives." Porn smiles, and the heroes make their way out of the blue palace. "May God have mercy on us all..." the Dog is heard saying, softly.

Act II[edit | edit source]

The Ballserina sits quietly in her cell, in a position not much different than the one we last saw her in, sitting alone and staring blankly ahead, at the bars. The door to the cell is heard being opened by a golden knight, as a troupe of them spread throughout the dungeon area to gather all the prisoners and prepare them for their execution. The Imp, a pure manifestation of the Evil Queer's sadistic side, squeals with delight at the thought of all the cannon fodder being paraded before him, as the prisoners are all taken by the guards to meet with His Majesty himself before they are to be sentenced to their certain deaths. The Ballserina happens to be the very first inmate taken. "You'll make such a pretty corpse tehehehehehehe die die die pfahaha die again please die some more!" The beautiful dancer ignores the creature, as she is manhandled out of the dreary area.
It isn't long before the Ballserina is placed in front of the Evil Queer, who is seen sitting on his golden throne, being fed a banana by the Fucksman, which he places wholly in his mouth. The Ballserina is forced to watch as His Majesty chews the banana for what seems like an eternity. Everyone is, as a matter of fact. Once he's done eating it, the Queer signals a servant to wipe his lips clean, and then turns to the prisoner and bluntly tells her, "I allow all my prisoners, on the day that they are to be executed, an opportunity to do right by their wrongs, to come clean and apologize and maybe earn my pardon and regain their right to live. I don't want anyone to think of me as a monster." The Ballserina doesn't appear moved or surprised at all. "I am aware of that. Yet rumor has it not a single person has ever been pardoned and allowed to live before." "No one has shown me purity of heart in this room. And the wretched must be punished." With a look of utter contempt on her face, the Ballserina takes the Queer head on, asking him what he would know about purity of heart. "I presume you've read about it in books. Or rather, have had such books read to you." The Queer chuckles lightly, impressed by her bravery to talk back to him. "What is your name again, dear?" "I am but a simple Ballserina." "Well you've got the balls alright... I remember you. I scarcely ever remember the dozens of prisoners I sentence to death on a daily basis, but you stuck with me. You had the nerve to talk back to me. At one of my own charity luncheons! Had the nerve to make it all about you..." "I take it you're not used to sharing the focus. I get it. You had to live in the shadows for far too long, because of what you are... now that you've claimed the spotlight all to yourself, you'll be damned if anyone else steps in it." The Queer's face turns to one of anger. Everyone else in the room grows a bit wary and nervous, including the Fucksman. "Watch it!" the Queer adverts, "Your audacity shall only impress me to a certain point!" The Ballserina isn't shaken in the least, however, and carries on: "You know, when you took control of the kingdom, I supported you. You came out as your true self, which I thought to be noble and courageous. It didn't even faze me that you locked your own father, the rightful King, away, because I can only imagine the torture he's put you through over the years." The Queer hangs on her every word, not sure how to react, but looking increasingly frustrated and angered, as she goes on: "From what I understand, you've been so hurt, humiliated and frustrated all your life, and no one's been known to show any kindness, respect or consideration to you. I personally didn't know what that was like until I was incarcerated. You only managed to come out through dark magicks and force, by making your subjects fear you, not respect or love you, and even that must take its toll on you, knowing that no one will ever be capable of loving you. I could feel so sorry for you, and I do, I take pity on you because of how miserable you are. But the sob story behind your actions does not justify the fact that you are a sadistic psychopath!" The Fucksman looks impressed, but terrified for her. "Kill her!! Get her out of my sight, take her to the gallows, hang her now!!" The golden knights start to drag the Ballserina out, even though she makes no effort to stop them, but the Queer himself orders them to stop. They do, and turn back, and he steps out of his throne and walks towards the Ballserina, calmly, which unnerves Fucks even more. "Why?" the Queer asks her, in a low tone, "No one here has ever stood up to me, they have begged and grovelled for their lives, each in more pathetic ways than the last. You landed in jail before for standing up to me. And yet you did it again today, on the day you were given a chance to save your own life. You will die now, silly woman. Is it worth it just to show you have pride?" The Ballserina shakes her head at him, over how narrow-sighted he is, and tells him, "I could have grovelled and I could have begged, it wouldn't have made a difference, you would've had me killed anyway, like you do everyone else that is brought to you for attonement. This is a sham, a sick game you play. And I didn't expect my candid words to sink in with you either, for you to learn a valuable lesson. My mother taught me there is no reasoning with a crazy man. But I'll be damned if I go out a victim." The Queer tells her, with a wicked smile, "You'll go out a nobody. No one will know you, and no one will ever remember you or the words you ever said in your wasted life." She smiles back and answers, "You will... You remembered me once. You'll remember me forever." The Queer can't fire back. The guards take her away, and he just watches her go.

"How much longer till we get there?" Rena asks, as the heroes make their way by foot towards the golden castle, "And why couldn't we ride in Ali's carriages?" The princess answers that if they moved in such a fashion they would draw way too much unwanted attention. "I'm so tired," Blow says, as part of her constant complaining, and Jizzinme tells her to soldier on, for they aren't too far from their destination. "Fuck off, you little clit, you have wings! Try walking a mile in these stilettos." "Guys, don't forget the big plan during the battle at the castle," Porn says as he walks ahead of the princess, "Stab Blow in the back and make it look like an accident!" "I will pour salty water on you and watch you deteriorate you block of wood!" Porn shushes her, once they reach a gang of men with crossbows and other weapons, on an intersection. The wooden young man smiles and reaches out a hand to their leader, who shakes it. "How wonderful to see you again, my friend," he says. "Hey, Robin. Thanks for helping out."

In flashback, Pornocchio and Bellend are seen braving through the woods of the Embiggened Forest, with the latter bringing along three books, each of them rather large. "Why did you bring those again?" Porn wonders aloud, even though they've left the library quite some time before. Belle explains that the woods surrounding Maleficunt's castle are sometimes treacherous, and they might need some magical assistance or just research methods on how to get out of a trap. Porn offers to help her carry the books, and she hands him two of the three volumes and thanks him. "So, you were telling me before... the Boob Fairy imbued you with life after your father carved you out of a magical tree. Why did she... I mean, it's amazing that she did that, but, haven't you ever wondered why you?" Porn shakes his head, saying, "Not really. Should I?" "I suppose not," she tells him, "Why ask? I just... it's so... unprecedented, I mean, I knew fairies were capable of strong, good magic, especially the Boob Fairy, but to bestow life on someone, or some thing, pardon the expression..." - he shrugs it off, indicating it's alright - "...Is just... wow. A-and... I know you have life, but... do you have a soul?" "Well, considering that something once sat on me and tried to suck it out, I should say so." Belle is taken aback. The two are then startled when someone says, "Halt!" and takes out a sword, aiming it directly at Pornocchio's throat. The wooden boy brings up his hands, letting the books fall to the floor, and asks what is happening. The man takes down his hood, revealing himself to be Robin Hooch, and asks Belle if she's alright, whether this odd creature was harming her. Belle tells the man she's alright, they're friends. "Oh," Robin says, surprised, "Alright then." He puts his sword down and the Fairy Men make themselves appear, from behind the nearing bushes. "You sure have the most peculiar friends, Bellend," the prince of thieves, as he is known, tells her, "I should know, I'm one of them." Belle reassures him that it's nice to see him again, and embraces him. "How are you, Robin?" she asks. "Robin?" Porn is surprised, "Robin Hooch?" The thief nods, and Porn recounts that he's a wanted criminal, saying exactly this to Belle with a worried look on his face. "The Queer's allegations against me are either untrue, exaggerated or justifiable on my account, I can assure you that." Belle explains to her new friend that Robin only ever robs from the rich to give to the poor, which often includes staging attacks on the Queer's chariots and vaults, so the evil royal has Robin's face plastered on "wanted" posters all across the land. "Yet somehow we always get left out!" Little Dick, one of the Fairy Men, says, jokingly, from behind them, "Like we don't matter!" Robin chuckles and tells him to go easy. Robin turns back to the two travelling companions and asks where they are headed, to which Porn promptly replies that they need to meet with Maleficunt. Robin is alarmed right away, advising them against it, for she is an evil sorceress who could squash them like bugs on the spot. Belle reminds Robin that he knows she's not easily dissuated from any task, to which he nods. "Well, at the very least you will let us tag along and provide you with whatever assistance is necessary." He turns to his Fairy Men, Little Dick, Friar Fuck and Will Harlot, and tells them their plans for the day have changed: "Instead of robbing from King Lionfart, we shall help our dear Belle and her new friend." Porn extends his wooden hand to him in appreciation, which Robin shakes.

Our heroes have now reached their destination, at long last. Finding themselves in the area of the golden castle, they hide behind trees and bushes, and Porn signals at the Dog that it's time to set their plan in motion. The Dog nods, and turns to the Hunterer, telling him, "Hunt, it's time. You got this, right?" The Hunterer nods, gleefully, and walks away from them, drooling all along. He makes it to the entrance of the castle, which has the gate lowered over the surrounding pond, and approaches the two golden knights standing guard. "Hey Hunt!" one of them greets, "You here selling wood again? Where is it?" "No, not today, I'm gonna help my friends storm the castle and kill the Queer," Hunt says, dragging his words as usual. The knights both chuckle. "Haha, alright bud, just take it easy." Once the Hunterer is inside, the first knight comments to the second, "This poor bastard's such a goofball, but so sweet."
In hiding, Rena asks the Dog what exactly is going to happen. The Dog explains that access to the cells where the prisoners are kept is granted only to the knights. "We're gonna have to count on my friend to get us in. He has to open the doors for us. Meanwhile, we're gonna have to deal with the guards, which starts by passing through these two." Rena wonders how they're gonna do that. Porn says they're still waiting on the fairies to show up and aid them with their knock-out powder. Belle points out that she has a bit of it she prepared herself, but doesn't wanna waste it on just the two guards standing outside. "Ok, guys," Rena says, lowly, "We need ideas." Robin Hooch is sure that he and his men can easily overpower the two guards, but the Dog objects to this, sure that they would just get attention from way more guards who would rush to stop them, and they don't need their eventual, imminent fight to start right away on the outside of the castle and perhaps prevent them from even going in. Rena begins to despair, "Alright, then... what do we do? At least one of you has to have an idea on how to get past the guards. Can we maybe distract them somehow?" Bored, Blow White drops her sword and gets out from behind a tree and walks calmly towards the castle, alarming her companions. The guards join their battle axes together, barring the way to the entrance, and shout, "Halt!" "Hey guys," Blow says with a smile, as she points to a gathering of trees on the other side of the castle, away from her companions, "Who wants to get their dick sucked behind those trees?" The knights look at each other and then back at her, smiling.

"Hiiiiiiiiiii!!" the Hunterer waves at his friend and intended inside connection, the Fucksman, who is slightly surprised to see him. "Hunt? What are you doing here today, you usually sell wood on Thursdays." "I came to tell you that, that, um, lemme think, my friends are all outside, the Dog, and the princesses, and a talking trunk, and they want you to open the doors to the cells so they can save the prisoners and maybe kill the Queer. Yaaaaaay I remembered!!" He starts clapping his hands, and the Fucksman just looks surprised, confused and alarmed.

"So... here we are," Robin Hooch says, in flashback, as the travelling adventurers find themselves outside Maleficunt's dark palace. "Wow..." Pornocchio lets out, as he marvels at how it pierces into the purple sky, with its jagged tower tops. "It's so... prickly." Before them stands a jungle of thorns. "How the hell are we gonna make it through that?" he wonders, and Belle flips through one of her volumes, certain that she saw something on how to deflect pricklus silvera, and cause it to open a passageway for them. She starts chanting some words in a strange language - the Embiggened Forest's equivalent to our Latin - and soon enough the thorn jungle parts like the Red Sea, allowing for there to be just enough space for them to pass, one by one. "Oh. Cool?" Porn says, slightly surprised at how easy this was. They make it inside, and the doors to the castle spring open magically, and the gate falls over the green pond. "Wow," Will Harlot says, also impressed, "If only everyone we pay an unannounced visit to received us this way." They all make it inside. The palace is darkened, with very little light emanating from a few torches hanging from the walls. Furniture sits covered in dust, framed paintings have slashes and rips on them, and a slew of marble gargoyles decorates the main hallway on each of its margins. As they walk together, Porn asks about whether they should fear more traps, and Belle makes it clear that one never knows with Maleficunt. "She's a cunning, evil woman... aaand I probably should not have said that inside her walls." Suddenly, the gargoyles come to life and one of them grabs Bellend, choking her. The Fairy Men try to put their weapons to use but it's to no avail, as they are soon also overpowered by the dark creatures, as is Pornocchio. "No," a terrifying, eerie, deep voice can be heard saying, apparently coming from all around them as it echoes through the walls of the palace, "You shouldn't have." Porn looks terrified, as do all of them.

As the heroes start to make it inside the golden castle, Porn stops at the entrance. Rena and the Dog notice this, and turn back, asking him what's wrong. "I don't... I, I don't know, I was fine, I-I've been fine, and I was ready, but now, it's just, it's too... real, it's happening. This is really happening, I don't know how to cope with this." He starts to tremble a little, "I-I-I, t-there was so much I wanted to do, I wanted t-to become a real boy, made of flesh and bone, and I wanted to save my father, God I really wanted to cure my father, and now I'm, I'm risking it all, everything I wanted, over someone I don't really know, whom I haven't really... Why am I doing this?" Rena lets out a hint of a smile, and says, "You're doing this because you love her." Porn blinks his eyes at this, as though it's a thought that hadn't even dawned on him yet. "I just, I just met her, I don't..." he stops for a second, and then asks, "Do I?" Rena shrugs. "Do you?" "I... I don't know." "Regardless," the Dog jumps in, "You're doing this because you know it's the right thing to do. Because we have the chance to save the lives of people who don't deserve to die. Because we have a shot at stopping a psychotic tyrant who has ruined the once-good kingdom we live in. And because this is what you want to do right now. Otherwise, you wouldn't have brought us here on this errand. Right?" Porn nods, slightly frantically, and says, "Yes, yes, I do want to do this. I want to save those people, I... I want to save her." Both his new friends smile. "I love her..." Porn confesses, "So... it's not crazy that I'm doing this? Cos I felt like I should have my head examined." "There is nothing I wouldn't do for love," the Dog says, "Unfortunately, there wasn't anything I could do to save the woman I loved. You actually still have the time to come through for yours." "Same here," Rena says, "So, if the two of us have lost someone we loved, be sure not to make the same mistake, will you? Let's go save your girl." Porn nods. Suddenly, a troupe of fairies shows up, with Nulva leading them. "We're here! Sorry we're late. We brought the powder." Porn is grateful, and tells them to lead the way and use it on as many knights as they can, while they have their backs and prepare for the oncoming battle. They all make their way inside, and the Dog asks Rena why he'd never told him about a lost love. Rena reminds him he hasn't actually told him about his either. "Guess that's how stories go," Rena says, "One chapter at a time."

The prisoners are taken to an arena where the gallows can be found. Hundreds and hundreds of townspeople sit on the benches surrounding the area, roaring with delight as the doomed are dragged to the place where they shall meet their doom by golden knights. The Queer places himself on a balcony, ready to be entertained. The Imp sits by his side but the Queer promptly slaps him, indicating that he should move. Some people start to chant a horrid bloodthirsty anthem, and a few loose comments can be heard coming from them ("Kill them!!" "We wanna see their bodies dance!!" "Off with their heads!!" "They're getting hanged you stupid cow!!"). The Ballserina looks around, at the people starving for a gruesome spectacle, at the Queer sporting a sadistic smile, at the knights manhandling desperate, terrified prisoners... and, for the first time, she looks scared.

Act III[edit | edit source]

In flashback, Pornocchio, Bellend and the Fairy Men are still being choked by the marble gargoyles that came to life, and a flock of black crows shows up atop a staircase that would be glorious if it wasn't so run-down. The flock converges and gives form to Maleficunt, the powerful sorceress, and she starts coming down the steps. "Who... are you?" she asks, quite dramatically, in her deep, scary voice. None of the travellers can answer due to being choked, so she raises up her right hand, calmly, and the gargoyles start to let up a little, prompting everyone to cough. "Please, miss... um... great Maleficunt, I... I need your help," Pornocchio tells her. "Help? You come in my home uninvited and expect me to extend a helping hand your way? I am not one for helping strangers. No strangers have ever helped me. And those I did know and trust, well, they weren't of much help either." "Please, I beg of you!" Porn continues, as the others compose themselves a bit more, as much as possible, still being held by the gargoyles, "My father is really sick! I need to help him, and I was told that you, and only you, could be of assistance. B-because you're the most powerful sorceress in all the land a-and..." Maleficunt hears him, and raises her hand again. The gargoyles let go of their prisoners, go back to their original positions and revert to lifeless marble statues. "If it's you who requires help, then it is you I shall talk to, and only you. Your friends can wait outside and be thankful that I spared their worthless lives." Belle appears worried, but Porn looks at her and nods, indicating that it's alright. As they all start to walk away, leaving Porn with the witch, Maleficunt stops them by saying, "And Robin Hooch... yes, I know who you are... I better not ever catch you trying to steal from me. It would be a fool's errand, and a death sentence." Robin nods, as do all of his Fairy Men. They leave. "You," Maleficunt says to the wooden creature, "Follow me." Porn obliges, and they ascend the steps.

Inside the golden castle, the action has begun: having become aware of the presence of unwanted visitors, the golden knights have started to surge in masses, the armed, shielded men charging at our heroes, ready to slice and dice. The fairies and Bellend start spreading their knock-out powder around, instantly making it so that several of the knights fall unconscious as soon as they appear, but they are far too many to allow for all of them to be taken care of this way. Rena, the Dog, Porn, Ali and the Fairy Men engage in battle with the knights. Rena shows a great knack for it, surprisingly enough, and is suddenly thankful of the swordfighting lessons Rumpleforeskin gave him. Ali appears uneased, despite not being a bad fighter herself, but she is soon disarmed by a knight who corners her. She cowers against a wall, and none of her companions seem to notice this, all of them too occupied with their own battles. The golden knight opens up his visor to get a good look at the beautiful princess, and says, "Such a pretty thing... I might not even kill you, sweetheart. How 'bout I take you into my room and jab you with my other sword?" Ali looks terrified and disgusted, and soon enough the man is pierced through the torso by Blow's sword, which she retrieved after the impromptu blowjobs. "Blow!" Ali says, "Ok, I can't stress enough how amazing you are! And that diversion tactic earlier was... well, effective, anyway." "Diversion tactic?" Blow wonders. Ali picks up her sword again and the two princesses charge, together. The Dog is soon disarmed as well, but he doesn't let it hinder his plans. He falls on four paws and roars loudly at the knights surrounding them, soon pouncing on them like a beast gone wild. Jizzinme Cricket floats around the head of a very confused knight who tries to swat him. He then flies up inside a nostril of the knight and the man screams with agony as the bug works its way through his head, eventually coming out through his ear, covered in blood. "I know you're just doing your job," the voice of reason is heard saying, "But you could have been a grocer and none of this would happen then."

"What is this commotion?" the Queer says, as yet another prisoner is hanged in the gallows; His Majesty isn't all that interested in a spectacle he's seen on a weekly basis, but he has ordered that his knights save the pesky Ballserina for last. Meanwhile, loud noises can be heard coming from behind him, from the ongoing battle. The Imp says he'll check it out. As he gets up from his seat, he opens the doors that lead to the balcony and notices the battle taking place downstairs. He closes the doors quickly again, as a reflex, with bugged eyes. "What is it, Imp?" the Queer asks, his seated back turned to the doors. "Oh, um, nothing, Your Majesty, seems the cooks are having another quarrel again, I'll handle it." He opens the doors and rushes outside, saying "Oh fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!"

It soon becomes apparent that the heroes are managing to overpower and defeat the knights. Several dozens of them already lie unconscious on the floor on the count of the knock-out powder, and the fairies, soaring up above and having run out of it, keep using other magic tricks to keep them at bay. The Dog keeps jumping on soldiers, grabbing them by his large teeth and throwing them around, the two princesses fight back-to-back, Jizzinme does his internal jobs on as many knights as he can, and the rest of the men just make use of their swords. Eventually, all of the knights are defeated, and all of the heroes mostly unharmed, save for a few scratches and bruises. Rena starts to laugh, slowly at first, failing to believe they actually won. Then his laughter becomes rather uncontrollable, as he savors victory. Ali takes his hand, which calms him down. And then an annoying-sounding voice is heard saying, "You have a lot of nerve!! Barging in on His Majesty's special day. Which, which happens every week, true, but it's still special!!" They face the Imp, the disgusting-looking creature, who stands in front of them beside a cannon on wheels he hauled in. "I'm gonna make you eat cannonballs you rudie-judies!!" he screams. As he prepares to light the wick of the cannon, he is knocked on the back of his head by the side part of a battle axe. "This guy just annoys me..." the Fucksman says, standing above the Imp, accompanied by the Hunterer. The Dog is happy to see him. They move to hug each other, and the Dog asks how he's been since he's been taken prisoner. The Fucksman explains that he's alright, he's not actually treated as a regular prisoner and can even walk around freely, it's just that the Queer is in possession of his heart and can control him, sometimes forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do. Porn, realizing this is the friend on the inside they were counting on, tells him they need access to the dungeons, so they can save the prisoners, but Fucks warns them that they're too late, the executions for that week have already started, and some prisoners have already been hanged. Porn looks despaired. The Dog asks if he can lead them to the arena then, and Fucks nods, but warns him that he doesn't want to be associated with this, so he'll only take them to a certain point. They all follow the Fucksman, but Rena stops the Hunterer and asks if he himself knows where the dungeons are. Hunt nods, snot coming out of his nose, and Ali wonders why he wants to know. "He said the prisoners meant to be executed this week are already in the gallows, but we can still save the people meant to be executed later on. Hunt, take me there!" Ali says she'll go with him. Porn notices that they're not joining them, and Rena just tells him, "Go! Save her!"

"So, you understand, I... I have to save him. At least, I... I have to try." Pornocchio has just explained his problem, or rather, his father's problem, to Maleficunt. The evil sorceress has surprisingly paid attention to every word. She sits on her black throne, and Porn stands before her, a few steps down. "I'm afraid I can't help you," she says, and he immediately starts to beg, "Please, please, I have to..." "Stop. You don't understand. I mean to say that I can't help him. Your father is not diseased. He is not cursed. What he has is... well, it's something else. Something that cannot be cured. He can't be saved." Porn looks disencouraged, but not fully beat. "No, no, I refuse to believe that." "Then you're a fool, I'm afraid," she says, "But it is touching that you would want to save the poor man." "I... really?" the creature asks, surprised by her finding his story moving. "Quite. This man, in all fairness, isn't even your father, just your maker. Your puppeteer. But you love him like a father, and from what I understand, he loves you like a son. I too would have done anything for my father. But unfortunately, I can't anymore. He is long dead, and no magic I possess, no matter how powerful, can get him back." "I, I didn't know you had a father... I mean, of-of course you do, everyone does, I guess, but..." "Yes, most people don't know my story. They don't bother to. They just tremble at the mention of my name and leave it at that. Tell me, what do you actually know about me?" "I... that you're a powerful, powerful sorceress, and..." "That's not all. Tell me what you know. Tell me what you heard." Pornocchio is fearful, not wanting to tell her anything that would set off her rage. "I... heard that... that you are a dark, evil witch, one of the worst people who ever lived, and you cursed that princess in that other kingdom, put her to sleep and..." He stops himself, thinking that he failed at his task of not pissing her off. He's surprised, therefore, when he sees her show off the hint of a smile. "I can assure you," Maleficunt tells him, "There are far worse people in the world than me. That girl is one of them." Porn is curious. "Regardless," the witch continues, "As I said, there is nothing I can do for you. Not for lack of will. Things sometimes just are the way they are. Magic always had its limits, and that's a line it cannot cross." Pornocchio is disappointed. "You can, perhaps, alter his behavior, his... urges... with numbing plants. Potions. I could sell some to you, but my prices are steep. And I have an educated guess that you don't possess much in riches." "I, I'll settle for that. A-and I'll get you the money, I promise." "Do, then. And then we'll talk." "Please, I'll pay you back, I promise." "Leave!" she orders, "I've been more than tolerant with you. I should have burned you where you stand the moment I learned you were given life by that idiotic cow fairy. Leave and come back when you can pay me." Porn walks away, disappointed but determined to come back.

Rena Charming makes his way out of the dungeon area, where all the prisoners used to be kept, disappointed to learn that no one else was there. Behind him, Cinderali explains that she doesn't think the prisoners actually have set dates for their executions, it just so happens that every hanging day whatever prisoners they have get taken. Rena notices a golden door as they ascend the staircase out of the dungeon, which he hadn't noticed before, going down. Despite the color being entirely too common throughout the entire castle, all golden and shiny, the dungeon area is dark and dingy, with the exception of that door. Rena wonders what could be behind it, but Ali tells him they have to hurry and go help the others. The Savior asks the Hunterer if he knows, but Hunt shakes his head. Rena kicks the door with brute force, and it is sent almost flying off its hinges. Inside, Midass, the former king, is suddenly awoken from his slumber, startled. Noticing the old man inside the golden cage, Rena asks who he is. Ali sees him and says, "Oh my God..." She rushes towards him, grabbing the bars of the cage as she kneels down, and says, "Your Majesty..." The old man smiles, for the first time in a long time, rejoiced to see his daughter-in-law again. "Ali... my beautiful Ali..." He musters up as much strength as he can get to rise from his bed and hold her hands through the bars, his hands being gloved. "I can't believe he's got you locked up like this," she says. Rena can guess who the man is, and Midass tells the princess, "You look just as beautiful as ever." Concerned, Ali tells him she wishes she could say the same thing, and asks why the man looks so bad. Midass says it's just a little sickness. "Isn't he helping you? To cure it?" Midass coughs and shakes his head. "Don't worry, we'll get you out of here," she promises. "How? Do you have keys?" Rena examines the bars and asks, "Are these... are these made of gold?" The former king nods, and Ali quickly explains that Midass has a condition that gets him to transform everything he touches into gold. Rena can't help but smile a little at this, as per usual now, and tells them that gold is one of the softest solid metals in the world. He immediately proceeds to bend the bars with some ease, and wonders why the king himself hasn't tried it before. Midass claims that he simply doesn't have the strength. Ali and Hunt help him out of the cage, and Rena takes Ali's place and helps carry the man out. "Don't worry, father," Ali tells the sick royal, "We'll nurse you back to health, I promise." As they make it back into the main hall of the castle, the fairies join them, announcing that although they found the area where the Queer keeps all of the wizards and the like that he has working on the curse, they couldn't break through the magical barrier put up and they couldn't spot the Boob Fairy amongst them anyway. Rena asks that they lead them to the arena, and Nulva nods.

Pornocchio is seen, in flashback, trying to pry open a vault of riches with a crowbar inside the golden castle, having snuck in inside a pile of wood carried in by the Hunterer. "Come on, come on..." he says to himself, and then he is finally able to open the vault, made weaker by the fact that it has also been turned to gold. However, two knights show up suddenly and catch him in the act. Porn's eyes grow wide as the knights rush towards and apprehend him. "You're in a lot of trouble, whatever you are!" one of them says. Soon enough, Pornocchio is brought to the presence of the Evil Queer. "Now, now... what sort of fantastic creature might you be?" the Queer asks, surprised by his appearance. (see "Wish Upon a Penis")

The Ballserina closes her eyes yet again as another person is hanged before her. She is now the last surviving prisoner. Her time is up. The knight keeping her under control pushes her forward, forcing her to walk up the steps leading to the platform where the rope awaits. A couple of knights remove the body that was just hanged from the noose and the executioner up on the platform pulls the rope up through the hatch. He closes the trap-door and the Ballserina is placed on top of it. The people cheer for her impending death, and the Queer has one of his servants blow a horn. Everyone goes quiet to this sound, and His Majesty stands up and addresses the crowd: "I want everyone to pay close enough attention to this upcoming execution and lock it up! You all know by now I have zero tolerance for whatever crimes are committed against me, and against my kingdom. But this person in particular did something no criminal ever did: she insulted me. She stood up to me and humiliated me. I am confiding this in you, my beloved subjects, because I mean to make myself more approachable, more relatable. More human. More like you. Keep in mind that I am not just a king. I am not just a sorcerer. I am a person, like you, with feelings. And the point I'm trying to make with this is, if you hurt my feelings, I will hurt you back. But the pain I bring upon you is a bit more effective." Once he is done, the crowd resumes cheering. Provoked yet again, the Ballserina tries to get everyone to listen to her instead, but no one can hear her through the loud, enthusiastic uproar of the crowd. However, the Queer does notice her, and, with a wicked grin, gets his servant to blow the horn again and orders for everyone to listen to the woman. "Tell us what you have to say, my dear. Remember they are your last words, choose them wisely." The Ballserina breathes in deeply, and then addresses the crowd: "You are all pathetic! You are all soulless, shameless, spineless cowards. You sit there and cheer on the deaths of innocent people who haven't actually done anything worthy of this sort of punishment! Some of those people you don't know, but some of them you do. And you come here every week and indulge your 'king', if you can even call him that, to fall on his good grace and make sure you don't end up here someday. Even though you all know this is barbaric. This is gruesome, and atrocious. You all pray to God that you won't be up on this hanging platform next, but that Evil Queer is the one answering your prayers because you let him play God, and decide who lives or dies! He may have power, but he stands alone, except you let him stand on top of you! You could all turn on him and overpower him!" Enraged and regretting the decision to let her speak, the Queer orders for her to shut up. "You, his knights! You are trained, skilled and armed warriors, you could turn on your current master and free this kingdom's rightful king!" "Joke's on you, you stupid cunt, they can't!! I have all of their hearts, they all belong to me, they do as I say!!" The Ballserina is shocked to hear this, but not defeated. She addresses the crowd again, telling them, "But he doesn't have your hearts!! All of you could team up and take him down, so why won't you?! What is stopping you? Free yourselves from this oppression! Make sure your spouses and your children and yourselves won't ever end up here unjustly! Like me!!" "KILL HER!!! KILL HER NOW!!!"
The Fucksman opens one of the dual doors on the lower area of the arena, and makes himself disappear as Porn, the Dog, Blow, Jizzinme, Belle and the Fairy Men rush into the sandy area. Porn notices the Ballserina standing on the platform, alive but with the noose around her neck. "Stop!! Stop!!" he shouts. The pretty woman sees him from the platform. At first she's surprised and confused, as though for a split second there the vision is too good to be true, then the thought suddenly dawns on her that he came back to save her. "Hang her!!" the Queer orders. The executioner pulls the lever. All Pornocchio can do is let out a prolonged and loud "No!" as the trap-door opens below the Ballserina and she falls through it. She immediately closes her eyes but smiles as she descends, and it isn't long before her neck is broken and her dead body lingers back and forth below the platform. Pornocchio falls to his knees and drops his sword. His companions look discouraged, for their mission failed and the golden knights protecting the arena swarm in, in their direction. The Queer looks confused to see them there and yells for the Imp to come to him and explain this, but of course he doesn't. The fairies fly into the area as Rena, Ali, Hunt and Midass proceed to leave the castle. Porn keeps looking at the Ballserina, dangling lifeless a few meters away from him, and the Queer orders the knights to kill them all. However, the fairies spread dust all over them and suddenly, just as the knights are about to strike, the heroes all disappear in clouds of smoke.

Rena and company are surprised to see their fellow adventurers poof up magically just outside the castle, near the trees and bushes where they previously hid. Porn is in the same position he was in when transported, on his knees in the grass. Rena asks what happened, and the Dog just looks down, leading the Savior and the princess to conclude the sad truth. "I... I was just, just a few seconds too late, I..." Porn starts to sob, "M-m-maybe if I, if I hadn't stopped at the door, I, what did I even have to be hesitant about? I mean, I love her, of course I love her, I mean, I loved her, I g-guess that's the right thing to s-say now, I... oh God..." Tears fall down his face. "I-I was too late, this was all for nothing, I, I... I'm crying." Everyone forms a circle around him, unsure of what to say, how to react or help. Porn brings his hands to his face and wipes it with them. "I'm crying..." He looks up at them. "I can cry." Ali starts to tear up. "Well, t-there it is," Porn continues, "I can cry, I, I never knew that. I can cry." He licks the tears on his wooden fingertips. "T-they're salty, just like human tears, right? I, I'm still l-living and learning eve-ve-veryday, I know t-that I loved her and that I can cry." He looks up at them, his eyes bathed in tears that keep falling down but never stop appearing, and he says, with trembling lips, "I didn't wanna learn like this..." A sharp pain hits the hearts of everyone around them. Blow White moves closer to her best friend and holds her hand, unsure of how to react. Jizzinme starts crying himself, sharing in the pain of his protégé. "I didn't wanna learn like this..."

That night, Pornocchio lies in bed, asleep. Tossing and turning.
Then he isn't. Sitting on a bench, in a quiet-looking park, he stares at the sun as it ascends before him, in the orange sky. A beautiful image, worthy of being painted. He looks serene as he waits, and then he feels her soft, rosy hand as she places it over his hard, brown one. The Ballserina sits beside him. "How did you know?" she asks, "We talked about a few things when we were locked up together, things about us, that we liked. But I don't think I ever told you I love to watch the sun rising. One of my favorite things in the world." He smiles slightly and tells her, "I guess I just sorta... guessed, is all. You seemed to me like the kind of person that likes this." "Why?" she wonders, quite curious. "I guess... because it's so caught in between. It's not quite daytime but it's not nighttime either. It's such a nice balance. I met you during the darkest time of my life, but you were a ray of sunlight all through it. And even though I was damned to die, you made it seem like my life had just hit a... a stand-by point. It was gonna go on eventually. I was just... stagnant for a while. My new days were just beginning. You made me feel that way." He looks at her for the first time since she sat down beside him and concludes by saying, "Thank you." She smiles at him, sweetly. "Balls..." he starts to tear up, "It hurts." She shushes him, tenderly, telling him there's no tears there, where they sit now. "A new day has come," she says, "And it looks... beautiful. Try to enjoy it. For me." He smiles through the tears he's holding back and promises he will. "I just can't believe we're never gonna be together again," he says, "Not for real." She comforts him by saying, "We will. Someday." They smile again. "I should go..." she says, sadly. She moves in closer and kisses him on the forehead, which causes just a single tear to fall down his face. She tells him softly, "Thank you for everything, Pornocchio... No matter what you go through and whether or not your dreams in life come true, remember this: you are a real man." She lets go of his hand after a loving squeeze and gets up from the bench. "Wait!" he stops her, "Please, I..." She turns back to him, as he says, "I know this isn't real... I know I am dreaming, but... I don't wanna wake up just yet." She sits back down beside him and takes his hand in hers again. The two of them watch the sun rising on the horizon, giving start to a beautiful new day.

Unanswered Questions[edit | edit source]

  • Why and how did Rumple bring Rena to the Fairy Tale Land?
  • Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?
  • What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse?
  • What is Blow's history with red apples?
  • What made the Dog change from a regular pet to a personified animal?
  • What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena?
  • How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world?
  • Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom?
  • Who killed Anitta Red?
  • How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?
  • How did Blow White become a white person?
  • Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart? Does he really not have one?
  • What quest did the Boob Fairy and Rumple go on?
  • What is Geppedo's disease?
  • Who was Rena's love, that he couldn't save?