The Midass Touch
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Camsay - Fucksman
Derpster01 - Imp
Divina Peep - Queen Damodyke
DoctorStrange - Jizzinme Cricket
Dr. Sonya - Robin Hooch
Gentleman Junky - Mr. Trampaine
Lady Junky - Lady Trampaine
Matthewbrianc - Geppedo
Ohhcomeon - Merkin
The St. Berry Fairy - Boob Fairy
UFO Editor - King Midass
Cashmere - Abigoat
Matthewvp09 - Little Dick
Mirlo - Friar Fuck
Nosh - Will Harlot
Queso24 - Nulva
Reginafan2626 - Prince Joshooa (child)
Tails-make-the-fox - Quasihomo
"The Midass Touch" is the 11th episode of Once Upon a Penis.
Summary[edit | edit source]
As Rena and the Dog set out to Rumpleforeskin's castle once more to get a cure for what ails the fallen King Midass, the latter tries his best to maintain order and peace around the campsite. Meanwhile, the Boob Fairy is forced to work for the Evil Queer, and, in flashbacks, the honorable Midass makes a deal he is soon to regret in order to save his disgraced kingdom.
Plot[edit | edit source]
[edit | edit source]
In a flashback, the venerable King Midass sits in his grey throne, with the round table before him. The thing you need to understand about Midass is that he was, at heart, a good man. He worried about his family and about his kingdom, his followers, and always thought to act in their best interest. He never placed himself on a pedestal, as most royals tend to. In fact, he had been so inspired by the king of Cumalot's decision to make sure the table at which his knights sat was round, to make sure they all were equals, that he had ordered that such a table be fashioned for him and his most loyal knights as well. In that particular moment in time, and for the longest time before that, his kingdom had been suffering. Crops were dying, rivers drying, the cattle was weak, and the levels of gold in the castle's vaults were decreasing by the second as all of the king's riches were spent on supplies coming from the outside, to feed his subjects. An opportunity to do right by all of this, to save his people, had almost been granted recently, but an incident involving his young son caused him - everyone - to miss out on it (see "God Save the Queer"). And thus the king sits in his throne, looking pensive, frustrated and concerned. Everything around him looks bleak and depressing. Even the bright colors that she brings with her, on her, when she walks into the room can't fill up the place with light, no matter how the scarlet red of her long dress contrasts with the grey walls surrounding her. Queen Damodyke, the king's neglected wife, coming second to all of these preoccupying matters at hand, puts one hand over his left shoulder when she gets next to him, and tells him she just heard the deal with King Lionfart fell through. "We shook hands on it," he says, "All there was left for him to do was sign the damn treaty and we could have saved our land. But... your son had to ruin it." "He's your son as much as mine," the queen tells him. That he was. "I must have really angered the Gods above to have been cursed so much in my life," Midass laments, "I just wish I knew what I've done to deserve this." The queen sighs, having grown tired of her husband's constant "woe is me" viewpoint. "Joshooa was just being himself. Did you really need to put on such a spectacle?" she asks, referring to the king personally beheading every single one of his children's playdolls. The king doesn't answer. "Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?" she asks, genuinely wanting to help. He asks to be left alone. He doesn't see the hurt in her eyes. She turns to go. However, right before she leaves, she turns back around to face him once more and tells him, "I know disgrace has taken over this kingdom. But you curse yourself with your own misery. It's time you ask for help from someone who can actually give it." She means himself. He doesn't get it. She leaves, and he starts thinking of ways to work around the land's problems. He had asked the fairies of the Embiggened Forest to bless the animals and plantae of the region, but it was to no avail, even their powerful magic couldn't save them from the wretched misery that had befallen the land. Good magic wasn't working. He needed something else...
King Midass coughs out more liquid gold into Cinderali's handkerchief, as the princess tends to him with love and care, worried for his sake. "Oh, father... how could you have let it come to this? Why didn't you get help longer ago?" Midass explains that the Dark One had made it perfectly clear his curse couldn't be taken back, so he started seeing it as a just punishment for his greed and all his other sins. "Don't say that," Ali urges of him, "You are not a bad person. I know you're not. Don't speak of how you deserve this, nobody deserves this." "You do when you're greedy, child," he says, sounding as sickly as he is, "I am a living prototype of 'be careful what you wish for'." He coughs out more golden blood and Ali looks at him with sadness and empathy in her crystalline blue eyes. And they soon convey fear when his very own blue eyes turn golden...
ONCE UPON A PENIS
Act I[edit | edit source]
Dog and, well, human, make their way to Rumpleforeskin's castle once more, deadset on making the Dark One take back what he did to the disgraced King Midass. A new day is dawning, and Rena asks his travelling companion how the subjects of that kingdom could just take to the Queer taking down his own father and making himself the regent king of the land. "He got very powerful all of a sudden, it seems," the Dog answers, "He ripped out the hearts of all of his father's soldiers. And the commoners of this land are mostly cowardly." "They seemed to be pretty brave, getting up on horses with weapons to hunt you down." "Guess those guys are the exception that makes the rule then," the Dog answers, "But for the most part, they're never really excited about partaking in such things. After what happened to Willy, I told the entire population of the Embiggened Forest of the Blind Bitch's plans, what she intended to do with those Whoraiths, and their response was to lock themselves inside their homes and await the worst. I guess those kids took care of her for us, though." "But, wasn't there, like, a lot of time that passed between when you were made an anthropomorphic dog and when those Nazi kids got here? Doesn't that mean the Bitch had an insane amount of time to exact her plan but for some reason didn't? Does all of that add up?" The Dog loses his patience: "Rena, what do you want? You want me to just grab a quill and a piece of paper and write down a timeline of everything that has happened in the Embiggened Forest so far to enlighten you? Ain't nobody got time for that!" Rena apologizes. "So... what's your name?" the Savior asks. "What?" "Your real name, I mean... you weren't always just called 'Dog', right? Because if so, then your smart and precocious boy master that you told me about wasn't all that inspired." "It's Buster," the white creature finally reveals. "Ah," Rena says. "What?" "Nothing." "Fucking spill it!" "I'm just... disappointed." "K?" "Just, what kinda name is Buster?" "What the fuck kinda name is Rena??!!" "It's Renato, okay? Renato. It's portuguese. Just... I expected you to have this dirty name that's a parody of something oh so classical, but... nope. Just 'Buster'. I guess that unto itself is bad, I mean, it's what you call someone as an insult." "I feel like going big and bad on your ass," the Dog tells him, now annoyed. "Maybe that's just it," Rena says, "'Big Bad Dog' is your parody name. Would be a bit much if you had two." "You're just... why do you question everything, why must everything have some semblance of reason or a deeper meaning or whatever it is you actually want there to be? You're a weird individual." "Hey! I take offense to that, talking walking dog!" "Just walk and don't talk," the Dog begs of him. They go for a couple of minutes without saying anything. Rena starts whistling, but the Dog shoots him a look that immediately makes him stop. After a few more seconds of walking in silence, the Dog himself breaks it off, reminding Rena of what he'd said before about good people not dying in his fairytale. "The Hunterer was good - unless, of course, he killed Anitta, here's hoping he didn't. And yet he died." "Yeah, to be honest, I never really liked him," Rena says, "Retards make me uncomfortable." "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." "So, do you guys have Christmas?" Rena asks right away. "What?" the Dog asks right back, looking frustrated, "Well, apparently, all the stuff in the Bible, all that religious crap, has somehow bled into this world too, so... do you have Christmas? You know, to celebrate the birth of Jesus, exchange gifts, stuff your gut, all that." "We have Pissmas," the Dog says, "We also have Pisster, but it's not that great." "That doesn't make any sense!!" Rena lets out. "Walk. Don't talk. Please." They continue walking in silence. "Just one more thing," Rena says, making the Dog grit his teeth, "What is the name of this kingdom? Midass', or the Queer's, kingdom?" "El Horado," the Dog tells him. "Ah, see? That's better."
The Boob Fairy is escorted by two golden knights, wearing handcuffs around her wrists designed to prevent any magical individual from using said magic, to a secluded area of the golden castle's dungeons, where the Evil Queer keeps the most powerful wizards of the land, unable to leave, crafting the curse for him. Behind her walks His Majesty, He of the Gay Face, followed, as always, by his loyal lackey, the Imp, who hops along cheerfully humming a tune, as though he mirrors his master's excitement and pride over having finally acquired the last piece of his puzzle, the powerful head of the fairies, but doing so in a much more blatant way. They make it to their destination, and the Boob Fairy has to mask her horror when she sees all of the light magic witches and wizards she's come to know over the years, that she's helped before, trapped in that dungeon. They all move freely, with no chains or binds holding them back, but are unable to leave due to the powerful barrier placed around the room by the Dark One. The Boob Fairy is walked through said barrier, which fizzles when she and the knights escorting her pass through. Once inside, the knights remove her handcuffs, allowing her to be able to use her magic again. For a split second, the idea of using those knights as hostages as a free ticket out passes through her head, but she brushes it off almost immediately. Not only does she loathe the idea of stooping so low for her own sake, she knows the Evil Queer would not take his poor knights into consideration. He was inconsiderate enough to rip out their hearts, after all. The Queer himself stays on the outside of the barrier, knowing that, being an individual gifted with developed magic powers as well, if he got in, he wouldn't be able to get out. "I trust that your great power and knowledge will be of value to us," the Queer tells the good fairy, "Now get to work." "You can't make me do a damn thing," she assures him. The Queer smiles snidely and tells her that his trusted Imp keeps a track record of everything the wizards and alchemists in that dungeon do, all of their progress. "It seems that some pull heavier weight than others. Experience, knowledge puts some people on the forefront. I really have no room for dead-weights, so tell you what. If you don't bring your A-game to this, every day I will kill one of you. Starting with the least useful ones. The lives of all of those behind you now depend on you, my dear." Every single person of power in that room now looks at the Boob Fairy with concern, and she dry swallows.
The now golden eyes of King Midass shoot open, for it's the beginning of a new day. He sits up, just in time for Cinderali to enter his tent, bringing with her a breakfast tray (they packed all the necessities.) "Good morning, father," the princess exclaims, placing the tray on his lap, proceeding to give him a good morning kiss on the cheek. She questions how he slept, and if he feels any better, but the king shakes his head, before coughing into another handkerchief; he then looks back, seeing that he's coughed gold. "Oh Rena, please hurry..." Ali says to herself, worried. However, before anything else can be said by the two, the sound of Blow White shouting, "Oh what the damn hell?!?!" calls for their attention. Ali hurries from the tent, slowly followed by Midass, while everyone else joins them as well. The formerly negro princess is seen standing, looking down at something; once they all make it out, they see what it is - Lady Trampaine, unconscious and in her undergarments, holding a wine bottle in one hand. Due to the much skin exposure, scars are seen visible all over the (ex-?)noblewoman's body, something that gives Ali a chill down her spine. No one takes notice of this though, they're instead preoccupied by the fact that she is there in the first place. "Ma'am?" Pornocchio asks, nudging the unconscious Lady Trampaine, something that doesn't prove to be quite effective. "Oh for fuck's sake," Blow exclaims, "Bitch get the fuck up!!" She kicks the wretched stepmother of her best friend in the side, immediately waking her up. "What... what's going on?" she asks, "Where am I?" She starts to come to, and realizes who she's in the presence of. She sighs; "Is there a reason I've been bestowed with such displeasurable company? Really, Cinderali, what the hell is going on?" Ali feels a bit insulted, but King Midass steps forward, explaining the predicament Lady Trampaine has ended up in, and how she all of a sudden ended up on the campsite; he suggests she must have wandered into the woods when intoxicated, eying the empty wine bottle as he does so. Lady thinks back to the night before...
"Your usual?" Quasihomo, the barkeep, asks Lady Trampaine at a local tavern she frequents, in flashback, to which she thinks for a moment, before replying, "You know what? It's been rough lately; send the whole bottle out." Quasi nods, getting right on that.
"Well that's preposterous," Lady Trampaine lies, back in the present day, "I had one drink! I'm being framed, and you all know it, and-... wait, why are all of you out here?" she asks, intrigued. They all give each other a nervous look, and Lady seems to piece it all together; "Cinderali, does this have something to do with your ex-husband?" Ali questions why her stepmother would come to that conclusion, and reminds the princess how it's become common knowledge Ali is harboring what could be the Evil Queer's undoing, and, of course, King Midass is supposed to be held prisoner at the golden castle. Porn turns to Jizzinme Cricket and asks, privately, "How the fuck did she come up with all that so fast? Doesn't it seem a bit... far-fetched?" Jizz shrugs, "The more time you spend in the world, the more you realize not everything makes sense, and some stuff just happens because why not?" Oh, Geppedo is also there. "You're all on the run, aren't you?" Lady asks the group, with a wicked smile on her face, going on to say, "Oh how I bet Joshooa would just love to hear about this little encounter." "Mother..." Ali tries, but Lady continues that not only would this be a burden to her dear ole stepdaughter, but that she could possibly even be richly rewarded. "Enough," King Midass orders, "You wicked woman! We have done you no harm, now leave us be! I don't want to cause any trouble, but I will not let you endanger these people!" he says, eying his hand, indicating he plans to turn Lady Trampaine to gold. She simply sneers; "It's this type of foolishness that caused you to lose your crown. What, do you think I'm stupid?" But that is all that can be said, for Lady Trampaine collapses to the ground, unconscious, once more, having been whacked over the back of the head with a frying pan by Bellend. "Very stupid," the bookworm exclaims. Everyone's jaws have dropped.
A flashback ensues, and King Midass sits at his round table; before him is a circle of blue sand, on the tabletop, with some leaves around it, and a large grey crystal rock in the center of the circle. He chants in Latin, and it isn't long before the Dark One responds to the summon made to him. As he appears in a cloud of grey smoke, Midass gets a chill down his spine. Once he's fully formed and standing before the King, Rumpleforeskin says, in a tone of voice unlike the one he usually employs, but just as weird, "Hello, you have reached the Dark One Hotline, please hold." He then keeps his mouth open and some waiting music is played, a lovely instrumental piece. He closes his mouth, ceasing the music, and says, "Hello, this is Rumpleforeskin speaking, can I fucking help you?" The King doesn't know what to say right away, but eventually tells him, "Yes, hi, I, I am... "The honorable King Midass, yes, I know," Rumpleforeskin says, "Allow me to take a bow." This said, he bows before the king, who does the same, a bit confused. "Now, what brings me here today, Your Majesty?" The king explains to him what his problem is, and Rumple nods along as he hears it, going on to say that he's heard about all this, the poverty plaguing the land, and comments that he's surprised the king hadn't called him earlier. Midass asks if there is anything he can do to help. "Perhaps," the dark creature answers. "Can you make the crops grow? And the cows give milk?" "No-no-no!!" Rumple lets out, startling the king, "I can't mess with Mother Nature! She is far too powerful, even more so than I could ever hope to be. What nature intends for us, no being, immortal or not, can mess with!" The king sighs upon hearing this. "Is there anything else that you suggest I do?" Rumple asks, to which the king shrugs his shoulders, before saying, "The only thing I can think of is that we need more riches. The vaults are being sucked dry as we spend everything on supplies to feed our people. There's no point to raising taxes because, well, if they can't produce anything, they can't raise the money to pay them." "And your mines?" Rumple wonders, feigning interest. "They're as dry as the rivers," Midass responds, "We had seven dwarfs working for us that were adept at uncovering new lodes of gold, but they grew tired and deserted us. No one can find them anywhere." "My, my, times is hard, my good king," Rumple says, "I take pity upon you, I do." Midass thanks him for his sympathy. "You understand now why I had to turn to you. N-not that there's anything wrong with that, pardon me. I am in dire need of help. Powerful help. And you're the most powerful wizard in all the realms." "That you are, and that I am," Rumple tells him, as he walks around the room, pretending to think about what he can do to help. "Oh, what to do, what to do... I can't just make money out of thin air, that would be wrong. The amount of money one's kingdom possesses must be equal to the amount of gold it owns." Midass nods, and says, "You... spin straw into gold, don't you?" Rumple giggles and lies that that's a rural legend. "That being said, making gold is not such a bad idea, is it?" The king wonders what he means, and Rumpleforeskin makes a suggestion: "What if I were to make it so that everything you touched... turned into gold?" "Yes!" the man answers right away, surprising the sorceror. "You're not gonna think it over?" "No, that sounds wonderful," Midass says, "If I can do that, we will have an endless supply of gold with which to maintain the kingdom! I would never need to turn to anyone else for help, heck, people would come to me!" Rumple is delighted - for all the wrong reasons - by the king's enthusiasm, and tells him, "Your will be done," as he twirls his hand in the air. Then, silence. "Is... is it done?" Midass asks, "I didn't feel anything." "Look," Rumple tells him, looking down at the king's hands. Midass holds them up, and notices that the grey gloves he was wearing are now golden. He gasps at this. He takes them off and notices that his hands haven't changed one bit. He then touches his outfit, and it gets painted gold. "Oh, my God..." he lets out, with appreciation, "It's as comfortable as ever before, but golden." "Gold fiber," Rumple tells him. Midass then touches the crystal over the round table, the one he used to summon the Dark One, and it turns into a lump of gold. "This is amazing!!" "Yes, and it also means you just jammed the phone, way to go." Midass doesn't get this, he is too delighted with his newfound ability. Then a thought dawns on him: "What do you want in return?" he asks the Dark One, who giggles. "Nothing much, really, a bauble. I want one of the dolls you beheaded. One that your son played with." Midass is beyond confused by this odd request, asking him, "What ever could you possibly do with that?" "I just like to collect Forestana," Rumple answers, following it with a giggle. Midass tells him where the dolls are and that he can help himself to as many as he'd like. Rumple thanks him, and then disappears in a cloud of smoke, but not before telling him to enjoy his gift. Once he's gone, Midass holds his hands up before his face and smiles. Then laughs. All his problems now seeming like a faded memory. And, like a child who draws long lines on the walls with a marker, he touches the walls of his castle with the tips of his fingers and starts running around, as the entire building is painted gold behind him.
Ali, Porn, Blow, Midass, Belle, Jizz and Gep are all gathered around Lady Trampaine's unconscious body. "Well now what do we do with her?" Geppedo questions, to which Ali replies they can't just leave her there. "I've got me a craving for meat; why don't we roast her? I'll get the fire wood!!" Blow exclaims, eying Pornocchio, who gets a shiver down his spine. "We're not gonna kill her!" Jizzinme speaks up, "We're not animals! I mean, I am, but you're not." "Yeah that really doesn't apply to all of us," Porn replies, pointing at Blow, who is currently scratching her armpit without a care in the world; however, realizing the indirect insult was at her, she screams at the wooden boy, "Nigga I will eat you!! I will rip you apart, limb by limb, and fucking eat you!!" Geppedo speaks up, trying to defend his son, but Blow tells him to "choke on a little boy's willy." Everyone gasps, but she points out that they all know that's what that creep has been doing behind the scenes. Humiliated and not knowing what else to say, Geppedo returns to his tent, not speaking a word. "Could you maybe not?" Ali asks her friend. However, Blow is not listening, for she is too busy trying to pick out whatever is stuck between her fingernail. "Blow!!" Ali shouts, now getting her attention. "Yeh hunni?" Ali begs that she stop thinking about herself for once and focus on the big picture. "Bitch who gives a fuck?! This is bookworm's fault; let her handle it. Meanwhile, I should be in Arenhelle right now soaking in a mud bath with that ice merchant Pisstoff. I am fucking royalty and you people have me back to shitting in the woods and using leaves for pads." Ali rolls her eyes, fed up; "You were princess of a low budget kingdom for two months. Get over yourself." Blow gasps and instinctively spits in Ali's face, resulting in a slap in return. Everyone is surprised by this, for they've never seen Cinderali act this way. But none of them realize the tension that has built up over the years between the two best frenemies. The two princesses begin fighting: slapping, punching, kicking, hair-pulling, etc. Porn, meanwhile, decides to take matters into his own hands. He grabs Lady Trampaine's legs, ready to drag her away from the site. Jizz gets in his way though, questioning what he plans to do. "Leave me alone, cricket," Porn exclaims, stating that he has it under control. Jizz refuses though, buzzing around Porn's face, trying to stop him from doing something stupid. With everyone fighting, Bellend rushes over to King Midass, who was simply watching as all this occurred. She asks that he do something, and after a moment, he raises his hand, signaling that he wishes for their attention. No one notices this though, for Ali is too busy digging her nails into Blow's boob, the latter is too busy biting the former's leg, Porn is too busy trying to swat Jizz away, who is currently dizzy from all the flying in circles. "Guys," Belle calls, trying to help Midass, but no one pays her any attention either. Belle tries a couple more times, but it proves to be of no use, and so the King motions that she stop. He then clears his throat, and proceeds to shout, "Everyone cut it the fuck out!!" Everyone stops, surprised, having never seen Midass so upset before. "Look at you people!! You're all pathetic!! We are on the run from my psychotic son and you are all fighting over the most stupid of things! Get your heads out of your asses and actually focus on the fact that all our lives are being threatened! We are in danger! You all have big ones, now put them away and let's focus on taking care of that drunken wreck before we dig a hole even deeper for ourselves!" "What do you propose?" Porn asks. Midass thinks for a moment; "Find some rope; you and Alison will take the body and tie it to a tree a few miles back. Hopefully someone will find her and presume she was hazed. Don't take too long though, for I will be directing that the site be moved in a couple of hours; we must stay two steps ahead of my son at all times. Understand?" Porn and Ali nod, proceeding to move forward with what they've been tasked with. Everyone else, meanwhile, goes about other chores, while Midass smiles, pleased with being back in charge.
Rena and the Dog finally make it to the area surrounding Rumple's castle, and are surprised to find that the gate bridge has already been lowered over the pond around the building, and the front doors are open wide, as though our heroes are being invited to come inside and play. "Guess he knew we were coming," Rena says, "Should we be relieved or alarmed?" "Guess we'll find out soon enough..." the Dog answers. They go inside.
Act II[edit | edit source]
Cinderali and Pornocchio walk through the woods of the Embiggened Forest. Lady Trampaine, still unconscious, is being dragged on the ground by both her stepdaughter and the wooden boy; a separate rope is tied to each of her legs so that each may pull. There is an awkward silence, for the two have never been alone together before, and don't know exactly what to say. "Sooo..." Porn says, breaking the silence, "Nice weather we're having, amirite?" Ali, being quite blunt, replies with, "We've never actually spent any time by just ourselves, have we?" "Nope, don't recall," Porn answers. The two finally reach a decent-sized tree and Ali stops; "Here; this'll work." The two untie Lady Trampaine's feet to reuse the rope, but Ali gasps when she sees Porn wrapping the rope around her stepmother's neck. "What are you doing?!" she asks, confused and shocked; "We're not gonna kill her!" Porn is now embarrassed, and Ali is slightly uncomfortable. "Just... just give me the rope," she says, which Porn does. She then proceeds to tie Lady Trampaine to the tree, and then the two of them leave her behind.
The Boob Fairy sighs with despair as she mixes potions inside a vial in the dungeon where she's being forced to work. By her side is Merkin, a powerful sorcerer captured from Cumalot. Boobs asks him what they've come up with so far, and the elderly man takes a scroll from inside his long white beard, unfolding it before her. Boobs recognizes it immediately... The swan drawn on the top of it is unmistakable. Merkin explains that some specifics for designing a curse of such proportions, with such massive effects, enough to transform an entire world, are laid out there. "We just need to work out some of the kinks," he adds, "Whoever casts the curse gets their heart's desire, to an extent. It adapts to the person. Which makes sense, I can't imagine why anyone before the Queer would ever think to design a curse specifically for turning every man in existence gay." Boobs asks herself why the Queer would want to get rid of every woman too, why not just make them gay as well, since the problem he has is with homosexuality not being accepted. Merkins offers a thought: "I think it's mommy issues. That being said, as you must already know, there is supposed to be a caveat in the curse. I think? To spare a woman. He was gonna save his princess, but I guess now she's told him she doesn't want that and... I don't know, I can't keep up." "What are the ingredients necessary?" Boobs asks him, to which he says, "That's what we're trying to figure out. Some of these... I don't know, it's hard to translate what's in the scroll. We were hoping you could help with that. I mean, we weren't actually hoping you'd get caught, but... since you did..." Boobs doesn't take it the wrong way. She follows the lines in the scroll with her right index finger as she mutters the words in some presumably indecipherable language. "The one thing we do know for sure is that, for the curse to be cast, it will require some sort of sacrifice," Merkin tells her. Boobs continues reading; "Yes... The offering of a body. Someone related to whoever casts the curse..."
A flashback starts, in which we see King Midass entering his dining room, with a wide smile on his face. The entire castle in which he lives has now been painted gold, and the treasure vaults have been filled with what used to be nothing but mere rocks or tree logs and are now valuable assets. Within but a day, Midass has been able to make sure the kingdom will prosper. He begins to think to himself that, when the land starts to thrive again, and when word spreads that his kingdom is the wealthiest of all, King Lionfart will probably reconsider that agreement they had previously discussed, to which Midass would now thankfully be placed in the position of saying "no" - what goes around comes around. Oh, he could hardly wait for that to happen. He sits in his golden chair, his children sitting across one another, the queen's chair empty. "I love your new clothes, father," Abigoat tells the king, noticing the golden look he's sporting - a look he's bathed the entire surroundings in. He thanks her, and takes off his golden gloves to eat, ordering his servants to bring them dinner. A large, mouth-watering turkey is placed in front of the king - his favorite meal, that he had asked them to prepare especially to commemorate the day all of the kingdom's problems ended. The children notice the twinkle in their father's eyes when he gazes at the succulent turkey, and giggle. One of the king's subjects cuts off a leg - the favored part - to give His Majesty, who then proceeds to grab it with his bare right hand... and then looks at it with shock when the piece of food turns to solid gold before his eyes. It's as though the king has forgotten the gift bestowed upon him, for a brief moment. His children and servants don't say anything, each of them looking at the turkey leg with awe. "Right... How thoughtless of me," the king says, before ordering one of the men working for him to add the turkey leg to his vault, "I shall just eat with my utensils. Like a civilized man." This said, he grabs his knife and fork, which immediately turn to gold, prompting him to smile, and his young boy and girl ask their father to do the same with their utensils and plates. "I will, I promise," he says, "After dinner, and after they've been washed. We will all soon enough live in a castle in which everything is made up of gold. Doesn't that sound exciting?" Joshooa and Abigoat both say "Yay!" in unison, and resume eating. The king uses his utensils to handle the turkey bits... and they turn to gold again. He is puzzled. Then he decides to perform a little test... to have himself some water. Before he touches the glass, he expects it to turn to gold. When it does, he smiles... but his smile soon fades when the water inside the glass also turns to liquid gold. His eyes widen as his confusion over his newly-acquired power grows. It seems whatever his hands touch is transformed, regardless of whether or not all of the components themselves are touched. "Father?" Josh calls for his attention, "Are you alright?" "Y-yes, I... Father is just confused. Worry not, child." He places the glass down and starts thinking about the adjustments he's gonna have to make to adapt his new power into his daily routine. As he does so, he asks that a servant give him water directly to the mouth and spoonfeed him afterwards.
King Midass, in the present day, instructs the two guards who joined the group on their journey to start loading up the carriage, for they're preparing to head off. Everything is going peacefully well, that is, until the shouted words of "BITCH, I WILL SLICE YO MOTHERFUCKIN' PUSSY!!!" are heard in the not-so-distant distance. Midass looks to see Blow White and Bellend storm out of their shared tent, the former of which now possesses the latter's book. "Give it back, you vile creature!" Belle exclaims, "That doesn't belong to you!" Midass sighs, for he does not wish to get involved in the two gals' argument, but he knows that he must. "What is the problem, ladies?" he asks, to which Blow exclaims, "This nigga be tryna take mah word DVD. I want her whacked!" Belle scoffs, "As if you even know how to read, now would you be so kind enough to hand it over before things need to get uglier than they already have?" "Suck my dick." The two women proceed to carry on bickering, and Midass rolls his eyes, raising his hand to summon their attention. Unlike before, this works, and the two gals look up. "I have a solution to your problem," he exclaims, something the two women question; Midass suggests they tear the book in half; "That way you can each share the book and everyone wins." A large grin appears across Blow's face; she nods, loving the sound of that idea. Belle, meanwhile, doesn't approve of this; "Please, no! Let her have the book, just don't ruin it!" This pleases the King. "Well there we go; Blow, the book is Belle's, now give it back." "But-" the Princess tries, but Midass motions she not even try to argue. "Fine what the fuck ever," Blow says; however, she opens the book on a random page, lifts her dress, and sticks the book up to her naughty regions where she begins rubbing it against herself. She then pulls the book out, closes it, and tosses it to Belle, who appears utterly disgusted. Blow walks away.
Ali and Porn, meanwhile, rejoin the group, and just in time too, for the Fairy Men have arrived, bringing with them supplies. "Robin!" Ali exclaims, excitedly, as the two old friends embrace in a hug. As Midass does what he does best lately, directing the other Fairy Men - Little Dick, Friar Fuck, and Will Harlot - to move the supplies that have been delivered to wherever it is that it needs to be placed, Robin pulls Ali aside, bringing her back to the carriage. "Um, Ali," Robin exclaims, a bit uncomfortable, "There's more to this visit than you think." Ali's confused. "Someone else has joined us." Ali and Robin, first looking around to make sure no one is watching them, hop back into the latter's carriage; there, Ali sees the fairy, Nulva. Still confused, Ali questions what is going on, and Nulva reveals, "Your ex-husband, he... he's captured the Boob Fairy." Ali gasps, and Nulva continues, "He's been capturing the most magical of magicians in all the realm; Boobs, Merkin of Cumalot, you name it... I accompanied the Fairy Men in hopes of escaping his wrath. They're great protectors, and Boobs has been warning the fairies to go to the Savior if something like this was to happen, and well, I'm the only one left. Please Ali, get the message to the Savior. Rena Charming is our only hope..." A worried expression appears on Cinderali's face.
"All set then, boys," Midass tells the Fairy Men and Porn as they finish packing up the banana carriage, "We'll get on the move soon."
In a flashback, King Midass looks anxious as he finishes performing the spell to summon the Dark One. Another grey crystal had to be acquired to replace the one he'd turned to gold, and his servants had been asked to pour the blue sand and plant the leaves. As a matter of fact, the king couldn't seem to touch anything without turning it into gold right away. It had been a month since Rumpleforeskin bestowed the gift - curse? - upon him, and he had done his best to cope with this peculiar ability, but it was starting to take a toll on him: having to be given sponge baths, to be spoonfed, abstaining from hugging his children, from making love with his concubines... The Dark One appears, enveloped in grey smoke as always, and greets the king with formality, not getting a response from His Majesty. "How are you finding the gift I blessed you with?" "Gift?!" Midass protests, irate, "This, this thing, it's no gift, it's made my life miserable. I can't do anything, whatever my hands touch automatically turns to gold, I..." Rumple interrupts him: "Is it not what you asked for? What we agreed upon?" "Yes. but..." "How is the kingdom?" Rumple interrupts again, "Have all your problems been solved?" Midass pauses, thinking about it, and answers positively: "We have riches to last a lifetime now. Supplies have been ordered from other kingdoms to make up for the dead crops." "Well, isn't that wonderful?" Rumple comments. "So, I'm done with it," the king goes on to say, "This gift. I don't need it anymore, you can take it back." Rumple giggles. "Oh, I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, dearie! This gift is non-refundable, and we don't accept substitutions either. If the customer isn't satisfied, he can slit his wrists for all I care." "You imp!!" Midass shouts. "Excuse me?! Do I look like I'm made of shit?!" "What?" the royal asks, confused, to which Rumple answers, "It's, it's a reference, like, in the future I... nevermind. Anyway, I'm sorry if you're not satisfied with all the results, but everyone in this realm and all others knows that magic always comes with a price." "I paid mine!" Midass reminds him. "Do you mean the beheaded dolls? No, dearie, that was the price for my service. Resorting to magic comes with a price all its own. I'd say you are indeed paying yours... It's just more costly than you had anticipated." Midass falls to his knees, before his servants, who look away, and holds his hands together as he begs the Dark One to take away what he gave him. Rumple is titillated. "My, my, a king on his knees... How the mighty can fall. Alright, dearie, I'll try my best. I just can't stand the sight of an elderly man weeping. But taking away powerful magic is never as easy as giving it. There are steps you have to take." Midass gets back up and tells him, "Yes, of course! I'll do anything!" Midass swears. "Excellent..." Rumple says, finger-tenting as he does so.
Rena and the Dog now find themselves inside Rumpleforeskin's castle, walking down the main hallway over the musty red carpet. Creepy portraits hang from the walls, of unnamed people they don't seem to recognize, dressed in fancy clothes. "Rumpleforeskin?" Rena calls, "Dark One?" No answer. Just an eerie silence. "He must not be here," Rena suggests, to which the Dog says that, if he were to be absent, he wouldn't have left the doors open and the gate lowered. "Why do I get the feeling I'm walking into a trap?" the Dog wonders, and they make it to the room where Rumpleforeskin usually sits, at his long table, working on his book... which is right there, for that matter. The cover of the book says "Once Upon a Time...", immediately catching Rena's attention, for it is so similar to his own storybook, that came with him to this land. He opens it and immediately picks up on the differences, however. As the Dog looks around at the precious and not-so-precious artifacts the Dark One has collected and put up for display around the room, Rena skims through the pages of the book he's written and made drawings for: in one page, we see the Boob Fairy giving life to a wooden puppet; in another, we see Cinderali in her pumpkin carriage, headed to the ball; in another one, the Fucksman taking an arrow out of a deer. Rena recognizes most of the characters, and marvels at the stories that the powerful sorcerer has put to paper. Then he makes it to the end of the book, or rather, the last pages to have anything on them. He sees drawings of Cinderali conversing with the Evil Queer... Pornocchio meeting with Maleficunt again... the Imp holding hands with Rumpleforeskin, and the Fucksman leading an armed attack on the golden castle... Cinderali slapping Blow White across the face and Granny Fanny sitting before a ruby-red mirror in a darkened room. And then the story stops. Nothing but blank pages ahead, many of them. Approximately half the book, or at least one third. An ending yet to be recorded. Meanwhile, the Dog makes it to one of the room's many bookcases, his attention caught by a paper scroll sticking out. He takes it for himself and unfolds it, noticing the drawing of a beautiful swan on top, but he's unable to properly make out what is written. It's like English mixed with gibberish. Rena notices him looking at it and moves towards him, wondering what it is, a question his friend can't answer. The Savior's eyes fall on the swan drawing and he is struck with déjà vu, recognizing it from somewhere, but unable to place it. His eyes skim through it, only making out some parts of it. The words "vorpal penis" spring to his eyes, which grow wider... The Dog asks him what he thinks it is when he takes note of his reaction. And Rena tells him: "I think it's the prophecy... the one that said I was coming."
Act III[edit | edit source]
Nighttime has befallen those of the Embiggened Forest, and the carriage has been all packed up. Waiting until Rena and the Dog return, the group all occupy themselves in different ways, well, all of them except Blow. Ali keeps busy by humming a beautiful melody, Porn lies across Geppedo's lap (yes, he has a boner) taking a nap, Belle reads her book, Jizzinme chirps away a peaceful chirp, and Midass, well, he's comforted just by watching over everyone. Blow though, as always, is just not content. "So. Fucking. Bored." she exclaims, then shivering; "And cold too, what the fuck even?! Do I gotta do everything around here?! Where's the damn fire wood?!" Ali sighs; "Blow, we'll be leaving shortly, can't you just wait a while longer?" "No," she replies, looking around for wood. Not seeing any, she sighs, but then sets her sight on a sleeping Pornocchio. She wickedly grins, heading over to the wooden boy, quickly grabbing him from his father's lap, and throwing him onto the ground. Porn wakes up, terrified, as Blow sits on top of him, her ass in his face. She grabs his legs and starts rubbing them together to create a fire; everyone else, meanwhile, is shouting at her to stop. Porn cries for help, but the fire starts, and Blow is satisfied. Everyone panics, but Blow enjoys the warmth, that is, until she deems it to not be enough. "Needs to be bigger," the Princess exclaims about the fire while everyone else is rushing to get water to put it out. Blow grabs Belle's book from her hands, not only losing the page the book worm was on, but also throwing it into the fire for fuel. "Much better," Blow says, happily. As Belle cries over her book (and the burning boy), Ali and Geppedo return with two buckets of water each, which they both dump over Porn, putting out the fire. The wooden boy, whose body is now mostly burnt black, cries, running into his father's arms. Ali is completely unnerved; "Blow! What were you thinking?!" Blow is simply annoyed though, not even caring for Porn's safety; "I just want to go fucking home." King Midass, who has overseen all of this, is disappointed. He watches as Porn cries, sitting on Geppedo's lap, scared; he watches as Ali and Blow stand next to each other, arms crossed, looking away from each other, upset; he watches as Belle hopelessly tries to dig through the ashes for her now burned book; and he watches as Jizzinme is simply no longer in the mood to chirp. Midass feels guilty, believing to have failed them all as a leader. No one's happy, and the Evil Queer is just going to continue making things worse. Midass believes something must be done, and something will be done. He quietly leaves the group, heading off on his own.
In a flashback, King Midass stands in the woods of the Embiggened Forest, next to the river Pactolussy, which flows weakly, almost like a mere stream. It's no wonder this river was one of the problems plaguing his kingdom. The king has a kerchief around his head that's ornated with donkey's ears... truly a sight to behold. Rumpleforeskin had told him there were several rituals to perform in order to be able to get rid of the power bestowed upon him, one of which was to wear donkey's ears, so the king had ordered one of the beasts in his farms to be put down and to have its ears removed. Alone in the woods, the king kneels down by the river's bedside and gives thanks over the fact that no one is there to see him in such a disgraceful manner. He places the hands in the river and the waters that flow suddenly turn golden, making it look like a river of urine (see "I Woof You"). He then digs a hole in the ground with his wet hands, prompting the dirt to turn golden. Once the soil is opened below him, he puts his face down and shouts into the hole, "King Midass has an ass' ears! King Midass has an ass' ears! King Midass has an ass' ears!" He is startled by the loud sound of maniacal laughter coming from behind him. He gets back up on his feet to see the Dark One having a gay old time at the king's expense. Midass soon starts to realize he's been duped and becomes angry. "...You were just making a fool of me, weren't you?" Rumple starts to slap his knee as he laughs uncontrollably. "Oh my God you have a donkey's ears on! You're crazy, man!! You're crazy!!" He continues cackling, and Midass is just frustrated and consumed with rage. "I had a donkey killed for this..." "I didn't think you were gonna do it! But you did it, oh my God you did it pfahahahahah!!! You just ruined a perfectly good stream!!" Midass bends the donkey's ears in his hands, containing his anger. "You talked into the dirt who does that oh my God?!" Rumple laughs for a few seconds more, eventually being forced to wipe some tears from his eyes, and then tells him, "Ah, no, no, but we have fun, we do." He finally calms himself, and says, "But anyway, yeah, I can't take your power back, sorry. Life, eh?" "Why...?" Midass is forced to wonder, feeling confusion over why the dark sorceror feels the need to mess with people so, "Why would you put me through this? You must have known all along how much of a toll this power would take on my life, on my family. And then, after I get down on my knees and beg you to cure me, you pull this stunt..." "Do you even have any idea how many people have begged me over the years to spare them of their misery? Usually misery I inflict upon them, true, but still, a lot, and to all of them I say what I've told you already: magic always comes with a price... One you can never be done paying." "Please..." Midass begs once more. "The price comes to balance out the perks, dearie. The only way for me to remove your power would be for everything that's happened since to be reverted. Your kingdom would go back to being poor. Your subjects would go back to starving. Do you want that to happen?" Midass doesn't answer. Because the answer is clear.
"Can you make out anything?" the Dog asks Rena, whose eyes are still fixated on the scroll they've just found in one of Rumpleforeskin's rooms. Rena simply shakes his head slowly as a response. "Maybe we should take it with us," the Dog asks, "I'm betting Bellend can translate it, she's fluent in many languages. And if she can't, maybe she has some codex somewhere in her shop that we can use as a guide." Rena nods, also slowly, his eyes never leaving the parchment he holds. The Dog walks away from him, continuing to admire the exhibits on display in that room. A fire burns bright in the fireplace. He then makes it out of said room, taking a walk through the dark and dank halls of the Dark One's castle. Rena sits on the floor of the room, legs crossed, concern in his eyes. The Dog finds a set of stairs that leads to the dungeon area of the castle, scarcely illuminated by the torches hanging from sconces on the walls, several feet separating them from one another. "Rumpleforeskin?" he calls. No answer. He heads back upstairs. In the distance, the man calls for him. Or tries to, anyway. Before he'd left the castle, Rumpleforeskin had warned him: "I'm expecting visitors. I won't be hosting for them. And neither will you." That said, he'd taken away the man's voice. And so Mr. Trampaine calls and calls for rescue, to no avail. He remembers to shake his hands and rattle his chains, but the Dog is too far away now.
Back inside the room where Rena has been left alone, reading the scroll still. We now get a closer look at it. Some words are in english. Mashed up with runes and symbols. And some words are in portuguese... A language only Rena could understand, presumably, in that world. Rena looks at it with an undescribable look on his face. A single tear falls from his right eye, and he immediately wipes it dry. Mouth agape, a chill travelling down his spine, he gets up soon, and heads towards the fireplace. A single second in which he shows reluctance takes place, but then he throws the prophecy into the fire. And he wipes another tear as he watches it burn. His face shows no actual sadness, though. Just a mixture of fear, frustration and anger...
Fearful. Frustrated. Angry. Those would be the adequate adjectives one could use to describe the Evil Queer's state of mind at the moment as well. He watches over the powerful magical creatures he's got captured in his dungeon as they get to work, and fears that they won't succeed. Feels frustrated that he needs to resort to such a thing to - hopefully - find happiness. And is angry that it's taking so damn long. Rumpleforeskin shows up behind the Queer, in a cloud of grey smoke as usual, and without turning around His Faggesty can sense the Dark One's presence. "Can I help you with something?" the Queer asks, to which the sorceror tells him, "Never mind my presence, Your Highness, I'm just taking a peek at all of our precious work coming along beautifully." The Boob Fairy notices him from below him and gives him an icy stare. He pretends to shiver. "I've been meaning to ask you something," the Queer says, which catches Rumple's attention, "You told me about this curse, that could change the world we live in forever, to suit my liking; you got me the scroll, and helped me locate most of the people working below us at the moment to translate it and make the whole thing feasible. But where did you get the curse?" "Hmm?" "Where did you find the scroll?" the Queer asks, now turning to face Rumpleforeskin, and the latter simply tells him, "Oh, who can remember such trivial things?" "Right..." the Queer answers, having now gotten much too accostumed to the Dark One not being willing to reveal many details about what he does and how he does it. The Imp shows up, interrupting their conversation and apologizing for it. Whilst his every appearance seems to get on the Queer's nerve, Rumple finds him amusing. "I'm sorry, Sir," the tiny creature tells his master, "But it's your father. He's come back."
The Evil Queer and Rumpleforeskin make it to the throne room, where Midass is now found, awaiting his son. "My, my, isn't this a surprise..." Josh states, "What did get you to come back?" Midass answers the question promptly: "I know you sent your knights, my knights, to get me back. Made everyone that lives in the palace I offered you leave out of fear. I refuse to go on being the reason why the good people who were kind enough to offer me shelter have no roof over their heads anymore. But I know you wouldn't have stopped looking for me. Your desire to have your revenge on me trumps your hatred of being around me." The Queer smirks, nodding along, and then simply orders his knights to take the old man back to his reformed cage. Taking special notice of Rumple around, Midass asks his son, as he is being taken by the men, how he could associate himself with the same man he knows was responsible for his curse. The Queer doesn't quite know how to answer this, but Rumple does: "Your son has been quite careful when it comes to the negotiations we engage in, I guess one learns from their ancestors' mistakes." "If you think that man cares about anything other than his own agenda, you're sorely mistaken, and will live to regret it. He plays with people!" Josh motions for the knights to stop taking Midass away, so that he may tell him - thusly showing his newfound assertiveness - "Father, the business I tend to with the Dark One is not your business, and as you can see he has helped me become someone of power and statute." It should be noted that this is the first time Midass actually gets confirmation that his son became so powerful due to working with the Dark One... whom he knows has also been coaching Rena. But he thinks it wise not to bring it up at the moment... The Queer continues: "But to show you just that, how the Dark One has no control over me, not any more than I let him have, and that he himself is an honorable negotiator, let's have it this way: Rumpleforeskin?" "Hmm?" Rumple voices, and the Queer continues: "Take away my father's curse." Both the Dark One and the former King are surprised.
A flashback starts, and King Midass is back in his golden castle, after his meeting with the Dark One, kicking things around, picking up vases and jars with the intention of making them smash against the walls but having them simply turn to gold, obviously, making it so that they can only get slightly dented. He feels a rage that simply cannot be described, and attracts the attention of several of his loyal subjects, who do their best to try and calm their King, all to no avail, as he vociferates at them to get out, spewing curse words and continually trashing the rooms he passes by. Intimidated but more worried for their father's sake than anything else, young Abigoat and Joshooa follow him around, trying to get him to calm down. They call for him, and beg that he stop. "Please, father!!" Abby tries, "You're scaring us..." Midass, just as he's about to throw a golden chair to a wall, stops what he's doing, sits down on said chair, and starts to cry. The children are saddened - this is the first time they see their father cry. Not even when their mother left did he shed a tear. Midass moves his hands to wipe his tears. He then remembers his curse, and feels an immense relief when he doesn't turn to gold himself. Since this whole ordeal started, he had made the effort not to touch himself or anyone else around him, but for a split second there, he forgot. He figures the curse must not work on humans then. All living creatures, perhaps? He doesn't stop to think about it for long, as his children continue trying to reason with him, and ask why he is so upset. "He won't take it back!" Midass lets out, confiding in his beloved offspring, "The awful, awful man who did this to me, he refuses to take it back, the only way would be for us, for the whole kingdom, to go poor again. I c-can't have that, I can't let this kingdom fall back into disgrace, not after I, I'd turned it around, I, we were so well off, everything was gonna run smoothly from now on b-but, but..." He starts to sob. Abby and Josh don't know what to say. "I was a fool..." he continues, "I was a damned fool. A greedy man. I wasn't just thinking about the sake of the kingdom, the idea of being so powerful and being able to have as much gold within my possession as I could was... an enchanting notion. I liked it. I liked it so much I didn't hesitate one bit." "Father..." Josh starts to say, "You meant well, we know you did." "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, son," Midass answers, "And I've paved my road there with golden bricks." He gets up from his chair and starts walking around. "I'm gonna be cursed for as long as I shall live... Unable to... do anything I want. All because I was careless. Reckless, and naïve. I ruined everything... as I always do." "Oh, father," Abigoat says, now teary-eyed, as she moves to hug her old man. Midass closes his eyes and takes comfort in this. His tears stream down his daughter's hair. Her cold, hard hair. With his eyes closed, all he can hear are his muffled sobs, and the sound of little Joshooa falling to the floor after a mighty scare and dragging himself backwards, moving away as quickly as he possibly can from the sight, until his back hits the wall behind him. The boy's lips start to tremble. The King knows. He knows, and he can't let go... His eyes remain closed and his sobs grow ever so loud as he holds on to his cold, beautiful child, her tiny arms wrapped around him, now almost entrapping him. He knows, but he can't look at it. He can't bring himself to open his eyes and see it.
"Rena!!" Ali is relieved and content to see her boyfriend return from his quest, accompanied by the Dog. Noticing that they've packed up, Rena asks what's going on, as she rushes to hug him. "Father left!!" "What?" "I don't know what happened, before we all knew it he was gone, I worry he might have done something foolish, like turning himself in, hoping to spare us." "Well that would be the best goddamn thing he could do," Blow comments, "It is because of him we all got in this mess anyway." Ali begs of her friend to show some sympathy, to which she hears, "Gurl I'm done shitting in the woods!!" The Dog asks if no one's seen Midass leave, and all of the present people and creatures shake their heads. Ali asks if they could get Rumpleforeskin to help, to which both state that he wasn't at his castle. Neither one brings up the scroll, as Rena had begged the Dog not to mention it till they knew exactly what he was. Rena lied and told the Dog he had pocketed the parchment. Ali explains that they were just waiting for them to return so that they could change locations, but now she doesn't wanna leave should Midass change his mind and turn back around. The Dog offers to follow his tracks and get confirmation on whether or not he's made it back to the golden castle, and the princess thanks him for his support. Meanwhile, Belle comments: "It's a shame the good King has left, he was a just leader for our group." Rena takes some offense at this, for he had started to see himself as the leader of their pack, but brushes it off and asks Ali if they ran into any trouble while he was gone, to which the blonde responds that they just had some minor squabbles amongst themselves and Midass helped to put their disagreements to rest. "Well, I still hate all of you," Blow says; "Shut the fuck up, you mongrel, you're the most hated person here!" Porn fires back, prompting both Jizz and Gep to suggest that he calm down. Noticing how blackened Pornocchio is, Rena asks what happened. It isn't long before they all start fighting again, throwing accusations and expletives around, and Rena holds up his hand, but no one notices it. He shouts at them all to stop, and when they do, he starts delivering a speech: "Look at you! Look at the way you're acting, like savage animals. What is wrong with you?! If we can't live together... We're gonna die alone!!" He stops. Feeling proud of delivering his speech based on a television show from his home land. "...Is that it?" Blow asks. "Um... yeah, just... we all need to learn to get along with each other." Pause. "Midass' speech was way better," Porn comments. This infuriates Rena further. They all start fighting again.
"What?" Rumpleforeskin asks, with confusion, as the Queer has just ordered that he take back his father's curse. "You heard me. You've played your sick game with my father a long, long time ago, but now there's no need to keep it going. We have our own deal going on, the kingdom's prosperity doesn't rely on my father's ability to turn items into gold, and his own power is slowly killing him. And, well, you know more than anyone how I wish to cast this curse to teach everyone a lesson. My father is at the top of the list of people who need to learn there is nothing wrong with me. I sure as hell don't want him to drop dead crapping out gold before that time comes." "But, I can't just..." "Do not even pretend you can't do it, Dark One. You made it happen, now take it back. For fuck's sake, it's really not much." Midass just looks on, not knowing what to expect, as all of this unfolds. "I have been quite generous to you," Rumple says, looking at the Queer; "Both of you," he continues, now looking at Midass, "I even gave you those gloves that keep your power in check and keep you from turning anything you touch to gold." Midass looks down at his white gloves, that contrast with his golden overall look. "How dare you demand of me to go back on a deal? Rumpleforeskin never goes back on a deal!!" The Queer looks annoyed: "Oh, enough with the theatrics, I'm the drama queen here. Just do it, or I won't cast the curse." Rumple knows he's bluffing, but still feels annoyed. Then he sees the opportunity for an entertaining turn of events. One he hadn't even foreseen himself. He moves closer towards Midass, who looks slightly intimidated. "I refuse to go back on a deal, I am a man with a code. If I don't live by my code, what kind of man am I? But I am willing to grant the former King a wish... pro bono." To make up for, say, me spoiling the soil around your kingdom in order to get you to strike a deal with me." Midass' eyes grow large and he gets irate as he realizes everything that happened was always the doing of the Dark One, all along. The Queer doesn't make much of this and says, "We'll take it. The offer. Go on, father." Rumple tells the elderly man, "Yes, Your Former Majesty, do go on. Close your eyes and make a wish. What your heart most desires. I'll make it happen." Midass conceals his rage and closes his eyes; he wishes for his power to be taken away. He opens them back up. "Well?" the Queer asks. His father takes off the white gloves and moves his right hand to touch the spear of one of the guards... and it turns to gold. Josh rolls his eyes, as Rumple squeals with amusement. "He tricked us again," Midass says, frustrated, "He's a little jester, this one." "I didn't trick anyone, Your Previous Highness!! I granted you a wish, what your heart most desired!" "I wished for my power, my curse, to be taken away!!" "That's what your head requested!" Rumple explains, "Not what your heart was speaking about... I could hear it as loud as a siren. And I indulged you..." "Father?" Her sweet, faint voice catches their attention. Everyone turns their heads to face the entrance to the throne room, and there she stands, having just been magically transported there: Princess Abigoat, in all her former glory. Her beauty and youth intact. No longer a solid statue. As Rumple giggles, Midass' eyes immediately start tearing up as he sees his little girl alive and well, back to what she used to be, exactly how she used to be, when he turned her into a golden statue all those years ago. After some initial hesitance due to shock, the former King runs to her. "Your Ex-Majesty, the gloves?" Rumple quickly reminds him. Midass stops on his track to put the gloves back on and hold his daughter in his arms again. She is scared at first, but realizes nothing bad is happening. And she takes comfort in her father's arms. Feels like forever since it last happened, for both of them. Josh just stands there and looks on, unable to mutter a word or move a muscle. "Don't you just love a good twist?" Rumple comments, snidely. Midass cries his eyes out and apologizes profusely for what he did. Confused but relieved, Abby closes her eyes, and her father relishes in the warmth of her tiny body. He then puts her down and caresses her pretty face, as she smiles tenderly at him. She then looks around and sees him. Her baby brother. A full-grown man, holding a ceptre and wearing a crown. "Joshy?" she says, recognizing his features. The confusion veils her voice. And a single tear falls from the new King's right eye. "...Abby..."
Unanswered Questions[edit | edit source]
- Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?
- What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse?
- What is Blow's history with red apples?
- How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world?
- Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom?
- How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?
- Why does Rumple want Ali's firstborn?
- Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart? Does he really not have one?
- What quest did the Boob Fairy and Rumple go on?
- How and when did Slutty Red become a werewolf?
How did Abigoat become a golden statue?- How did Gabrielle Charming die?
- How did Ali's father steal Rumple's family? Why does Rumple want to darken Ali's heart?
- Who killed Anitta Red? Was the Hunterer involved in her murder?
- Why was Rena sentenced to court-mandated therapy?
- What happened to Willy?
- What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena? Why did he freak out upon reading it?
- How did Lady Trampaine get those strange markings on her body?
- How did Rumple acquire the curse? Where does it come from?