The Price of Loyalty
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DeviousPeep - Blow White*
Jdg98 - Pornocchio
Primadonna Girl - Cinderali
Renaboss - Rena Charming
Rockaboss - Big Bad Dog
Villain fan - Rumpleforeskin
*Absent from the episode.
Derpster01 - Imp
DisneyMeerkats - Evil Drag Queen
Divina Peep - Red Queef
DoctorStrange - Jizzinme Cricket
Dr. Sonya - Robin Hooch
Everthevillain - Captain Hooker
Matthewbrianc - Geppedo
Ohhcomeon - Merkin
Once Upon A Fan - Oloof
UFO Editor - King Midass
Wicked Beauty - Wicked Bitch
AnastasiaOncer - Anastupid
AndrewVDK - Penix
Cashmere - Abigoat
DarkSwan4Ever - Mini-Imp
Domas0101 - Dom Thumb
Emma Cassidy Lover - Dumbella
Game widow - Caterpila
IceBerry - Mr. Smear
MakeShift - Vagic Mirror
Matthewvp09 - Friar Fuck
Michu1918 - Knave of Farts
Mirlo - Little Dick
Nosh - Will Harlot
Tails-make-the-fox - Quasihomo
Visual Dream - Cheshire Twat
"The Price of Loyalty" is the 14th episode of Once Upon a Penis.
Summary[edit | edit source]
When its beloved master, the Evil Queer, starts to despair over the little details that go into the casting of the Dark Curse, the Imp sets off on its own to learn just exactly what the curse would implicate, by asking Rumpleforeskin to show him a glimpse of life in "Faggy Tail Land". And thus we are transported into a "what if?" reality that shows us what would happen should the curse indeed be cast. Meanwhile, in flashbacks, the feces-made lackey sets off on yet another quest, travelling through many realms to get His Faggesty some much-needed moisturizer.
Plot[edit | edit source]
[edit | edit source]
Morning starts to break over the land of El Horado, and the first rays of sun really make the walls of the golden castle glisten. It has become a custom that the reflections emanating from said walls seep through the window blinds of the townspeople, interrupting their sleep and letting them know the day has begun. However, inside the castle, the Evil Queer has already given start to his day, much earlier than usual, woken up from his beauty sleep by the Imp, with news that the sorcerors and other magic practitioners locked up in their dungeon area had stumbled upon a major breakthrough regarding the curse. Merkin, the most powerful wizard who once served as the magical protector of Cumalot, is brought to the presence of the Queer, magic-inhibiting cuffs around both his wrists, escorted by golden knights and bringing with him a scroll. The Mini-Imp can be seen tossing a ball to a wall and catching it again repeatedly, the sound of which annoys the Queer greatly. "Imp, get that thing away from here, it's starting to get on not only my last nerve, but the nerve I had stored away for an emergency." "Come on, sweetie," the Imp tells the Mini-Imp, pushing it away. Merkin approaches the Queer, not saluting him in any way, shape or form, and spreads the scroll open across the table near them. "What's this now? What's the breakthrough?" "We have finally realized everything you need to gather in order to cast the curse. All of the elements, I have them written down in this scroll. Pretty generic stuff: strands of hair from the people in the land with the darkest hearts, the usual. But there's something else, that I expect - hope, even - should give you some pause." The Queer looks curious.
"I am so sorry, my dear," the Imp tells the Mini-Imp as it carts mini-it away, "But we mustn't trouble His Faggesty when he needs to tend to his urgent business. Those sexy, sexy heroes are vying to bring him down and keep him from casting the Dark Curse, and we can't let that happen. And once the curse is cast, you know what happens, right?" The Mini-Imp shrugs its shoulders. "Well, then every woman will drop dead and every man will turn gay." The Mini-Imp looks curious and confused, and if it could talk, it would ask why. The Imp realizes this. "Why, you ask? Well, because... well, I don't actually really know. Tehe. But it's what the Queer wants." The Mini-Imp gives him the same look. "...Yeah, I don't really know why either. Cos fun, I guess? I'm sure it will be just that. Fun. Everyone will have a gay old time. Hahahahahah, get it? 'Gay'. I'm fun too." The Mini-Imp has lost interest in it all, and resumes playing with its ball. "I actually do wonder... What would happen to the land after the curse?" The Imp then has an idea.
Grey crystal rock, blue sand, leaves, the whole shebang is set up over a small table in the Imp's bedroom - it was given a tiny closet room, later refurnished to look like a bedroom (the Mini-Imp gets to sleep in a drawer). The Imp starts to chant in the Fairy Tale Land's equivalent to Latin (left down to them by the Moman Empire), and it isn't long before the Dark One poofs himself up before the Imp. When the two rather gruesome creatures are faced with one another yet again, Rumpleforeskin immediately rolls his eyes and starts to grunt and complain: "I hate this. I hate that that stupid spell exists and that everyone for some reason knows it and that I can only tell where I am being summoned to, but not who actually does the summoning. Golden castle. I could tell it was the golden castle, I figured it was the Queer. The man I'm supposed to be training for war. But no, no no no, it's you. Again. Did I not tell you never to bother me again?" The Imp apologizes profusely, getting down on its knees and promptly offering to give up its life to the Dark One, which makes Rumple rolls his eyes again. "But you see, I needed to know something: what does happen once the Dark Curse is cast by my idol, hero and best friend, the Evil Queer? What becomes of the land? I really, really want to know!" "Why?" Rumple asks; "I'm bored," the Imp answers. Rumple gives a hint of a wicked smile... "Alright... if you really wish to know," he starts to say, "Let's do it then." "Really?!" the Imp's eyes light up with glee. "Sure, my dear. Let's take you over to Faggy Tail Land."
ONCE UPON A PENIS
Act I[edit | edit source]
It isn't long before Rumpleforeskin has everything set up for the spell to be performed, the one that'd allow the Imp to be shown a glimpse of life in the as-of-yet hypothetical "Faggy Tail Land". They are sitting indian style in the Imp's minuscule bedroom, a circle of red sand surrounding them (you can buy sand of all colors at the marketplace, usually at 3-for-1 deals). "So how's this gonna work, oh marvellous, fapulous Dark One?" the Imp asks, curiously, to which the powerful wizard explains that it'll be a "virtual reality" scenario of sorts: the Imp will be put in a transe and his astral body will be taken to an alternate reality. "Therein, you will be able to go anywhere you want, interact with whomever you like. How does that sound?" "Sounds bae!! I can't wait to tell my best friend the Queer how this goes, he's going to flip like OMG." "Everything you say grinds my gears," Rumple tells him, "Alright then, let's do this. It's going to be quite a trip, you know?" Rumple turns the palms of his hands around, for the Imp to grab them. "That's alright," the tiny creature says, "I'm used to going the extra mile in the name of my Lord."
And this brings us to the past, where we see the Imp drenched in sweat, pulling behind him the ropes attached to a sled as the Evil Queer sits atop it in a portable throne, being dragged across the mile-long yard of the golden castle. There's really no reason for this other than the Queer being in a frustrated mood and thus wanting to inflict pain on those who surround him, just for the hell of it. The Imp, despite wishing to please its master, can't help but stop pulling, out of breath. It practically collapses to the ground, and the Queer rolls his eyes and demands his feces-made lackey get up. As fast as it can, the Imp does just that, turning back to the Queer first to bow before him; however, it's then that it's caught by surprise. "OH! MY! GAWD!" it exclaims at the top of its lungs, to the Queer's confusion, "Your Faggesty!!... I mean Your Majesty!! Your face!! Right there!! A zit!! Lemme pop it!!" The Queer's eyes widen in horror as the Imp lunges at its master in hopes of correcting this error, but the Queer grabs the Imp by the neck, shaking him some before throwing him backwards onto the ground. The Queer then scoffs, immediately poofing a hot pink compact mirror into his hand and, sure enough, His Faggesty's face is breaking out. "Imp!" the Queer beams, as the creature cowers in fear, letting out a gulp, "I have a job for you," the Queer then reveals, explaining that it's that time again - he needs to make a special moisturizer. The Queer poofs up a list of necessary ingredients, handing it to his lackey. "No one can know. You must be discrete. Should anyone learn about this little discrepancy then I'll be forced to make your life... difficult. Understood?" "Yes, Master!" the Imp answers affirmatively, and lastly the Queer poofs up one final object: "Magical lubricant from the Mad Fapper." The Queer instructs the Imp to pour some onto itself and think of where it wishes to be, explaining that magic will handle the rest. "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, I won't let you down, Sir!!!" "You best not," the Queer replies, and so the Imp looks down at its list, reading off the first ingredient needed: a singular snowflake from Arendolt. With that, the Imp does as instructed and goes through the process told by the Queer. With the blink of an eye, the Imp finds itself in a palace garden. Snow falls, as per usual, and the Imp looks in awe at the beautiful sight surrounding it, having never experienced snow before. It sticks out its tongue and snow falls onto it, resulting in a giggle, and it continues to walk around the garden, its feet digging deep into the cool, mushy substance beneath it. For a short while the Imp loses track of what it's there to do, but once snapping out of it and remembering, it begins to look around trying to figure out what to do. It sticks out its hand in an attempt to catch a snowflake, but no such luck as it evaporates in its hand. However, the Imp soon becomes startled when it begins to hear a loud, off-key melody making its way through the garden. It turns, and there, approaching it, is none other than a walking, talking snowman. "La la la la la la la la la la la la," - the only lyrics the snowman appears to know how to sing, but this singing stops when the snowman actually pays attention to what's in front of him: the Imp. "Oh! My! Gawd!" the snowman screams. "Oh! My! Gawd!" the Imp screams back in a panic, then realizing, "You're made of snow!!!" "You're made of shit!!!" The Imp frowns at this, and the snowman starts screaming for help, only for the Imp to lunge at him, knocking him to the ground and threatening to rip off his carrot nose if he makes any further moves. The Imp starts to feel bad though, seeing that it's scared the snowman, and so it backs off, apologizing. "I'm sooooo sorry," it exclaims, "I just, I reeeeeeally need to find a snowflake for the Evil-- I mean... never mind. I didn't mean anything. Hehe." The snowman stands back up, not even acknowledging the Imp's awkwardness. "Well, I'm sorry for freaking out," the snowman exclaims, then sticking out his branch-made arm and introducing himself: "I'm Oloof." "I'm the Imp," the Imp introduces itself in turn, shaking his hand. Oloof questions if the Imp is from Arendolt, but it shakes its head, revealing to be from El Horado. "El Horado? That sounds Spanish-y," Oloof exclaims, then making the correlation between Spanish-y places and warm weather. "Must be nice. Wish I could live there." But the Imp asks him why doesn't he. "What do you mean?" Oloof wonders, and the Imp reveals he has enough magical lubricant for the both of them. "After I make all my stops you could come home with me, and we could be best friends!" Though Oloof isn't entirely opposed to the idea, he sighs, admitting that he could do no such thing. "I wish I could, but I have responsibilities here. There's this retarded, incontinent reindeer that I let stick its antlers up my... yeah, sorry, can't go." "Aw, well, okay!" the Imp responds, not upset at all. It then looks up, noticing the large snowflake hanging over Oloof's head. "Ooh, fancy," it says, to which Oloof responds that it was a gift from Queen Elsack. "Niiiice..." the Imp utters... then jumping up, grabbing the snowflake which is magical and big and frozen or whatever and runs as fast as it can from the garden, being chased by Oloof all the while. "HEY! GIVE THAT BACK YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! I'LL GIVE YOU A WARM HUG THAT SETS YOUR ASS ABLAZE!!" But it's of no use. Oloof isn't fast enough, and the Imp is able to pour enough lubricant over itself in a quick enough time in order to get itself far, far away from Arendolt... all the way to Hefferland. It takes a minute for the feces-made creature to make out where it's at, only knowing the realm, but then it looks around and notices the shakey wood floor beneath it, as well as the dozen men with eyepatches, peglegs, etc. all aiming swords at it. One pirate in particular, a fat, stumpy man, steps forward, and asks, with an inquisitive look on his face: "What the hell are you?..." The Imp gulps.
The Imp's eyes shoot open - again - and this time it is not on a ship, but rather lying on the ground in the woods of the Embiggened Forest. As a matter of fact, it can currently be found in the same place where Rena Charming landed upon his arrival in Fairy Tale Land. The Imp regains consciousness, having somehow been put to sleep by the Dark One's spell, back in the golden castle, and woken up elsewhere. The creature gets back up on its feet, and is startled by the sight of Rumpleforeskin. "Gaah!!" "Gaah yourself you shaky lump of shit." "Yaaaaaay," the Imp now cheers, "You came over too? Wanna be my expedition buddy?!" "I'd rather pork my dead mother," Rumple answers, "And my adult-turned-adolescent father. No, I am not even really here, this is a projection. I'm just here temporarily to give you the 411 on how this all works. Chances are I will just leave your unconscious body in that closet you call a bedroom and head on home for my afternoon drinking. I have problems that go beyond the darkness in my heart." "Drinking is fun," is the Imp's takeaway. "Yes. You can wonder around freely, interact with whomever you like. I'll be the voice inside your head from now on - don't wanna risk running into the other me, that'd just be confusing." "OMG are you gay here too?!" the Imp queries; "Of course not, you moron! I created the curse, you really think I'd let it have any effect over me??" "OMG," the Imp then realizes, "I hope I run into the gay version of me! Wait. Am I gay? I... I really don't know what I am. Butts sure are fun though." "...Yeah I wouldn't worry about that," Rumple tells him, "Just go on and enjoy yourself." "Will do," the Imp says, excitedly. Rumple fades away, instead of poofing himself out the way he usually does, and the Imp dashes forth.
It isn't long before the minion makes it out of the woods and into the inhabited portion of El Horado. It takes a look at the people going by - all men, no women in sight - and gets a sense that life hasn't really changed much for those in the realm. By a tavern, it can see the Evil Drag Queen, looking as zhe always did, but holding up a microphone and standing in front of a magic camera operated by a cameraman. "And it is today, a few months after the place was shut down for renovation due to the physical impact of the Dark Curse, that Quasihomo's tavern finally reopens its doors to the populace, the owner's name now gaining a more fitting connotation. Homo's Tavern promises to be the go-to place for all you flamboyant brethren out there, where you can get your queer on. I will be going inside to meet with the owner, who is going to introduce us to a new drink, the "Flaming Mo". Cut!!" Upon hearing this last part, the cameraman stops recording. "Ugh, I am so over these fluff pieces," the Evil Drag Queen's smile instantly vanishes, "I thought taking Puta's place would be fun, but I never realized how boring life would be in the fricking kingdom once the curse set in. Nothing ever happens!!" The Imp approaches the MV hostess and comments, "Slow news day, huh?!" "Dear Gayd, you smell like manure. Ugh, yes it is. There's no drama around these parts. Gays are supposed to be dramatic." The man in drag then turns to the townspeople who have gathered around to witness the celebrity in action and shouts: "Y'all suck at being gay!" "Oh honey don't fret," someone is heard saying. "I'm just surprised to find you," the Imp comments, "I thought all women were supposed to die from the curse. Were you the one woman who got spared? I figured that'd be Abby." The Evil Drag Queen relishes in the notion that the small creature actually buys that he's a woman and tells it, "I am so buying you a 'Flaming Mo'. Come on, precious." Both creatures enter Homo's Tavern.
Inside, Quasihomo is seen tending bar, in the very first day of the grand reopening, and asks the Evil Drag Queen if it's time for their one-on-one already, but the former royal tells him to have patience, for her idiot cameraman is working on bringing the equipment inside. "Two 'Flaming Mo's," he/she asks. Quasi starts preparing them, as the Evil Drag Queen and the Imp sit on the high stools by the counter. "So where you from, suga?" "I am the personal assistent of His Faggesty, the Evil Queer," the Imp replies, which Vegina deems impressive. "Isn't he just the best?" the villain goes on to say, "That curse he cast was like, the best thing ever. Now I get to be the prettiest woman in all the land. Other than the one he's got locked up in the golden castle, of course. She's adorable, but she never shows her face, so who cares? And I gotta tell ya, there's still a lot of gays into drag queens." The Imp doesn't really understand this entire concept, but nods. "Although I do take personal offense to the fact that I wasn't the one who got to kill that wretched, foul-mouthed, hairy-assed Blow White," Veg resumes, "I dedicated pretty much my entire life to ruining hers and in the end she was taken down by someone else. Oh well, I still count that as a victory, and I shit on her grave out at the brothel's corral every day. L-M-A-O, there are rumors the Evil Queer actually promised to spare her during the curse should she help him cast it. Ha, that stupid gullible cunt." "I've met her," the Imp says, "I did not much care for her. We never spoke, but she has a resting slut face." "Yes, her mouth has seen so much cock it can't actually shut anymore, it's locked like that." Quasihomo serves them the "Flaming Mo"s, and they guzzle them down. "This... is delicious." "Gay drinks are the best," Vegina comments, "Boy do I not miss beer. All those calories on something that tastes like crap and that you can't get drunk off of? Girly drinks are life." "Drink up," a familiar voice is heard saying, "It's on us." Robin Hooch approaches the two and winks at them. "So how are you two fine gentlemen today?" The Evil Drag Queen smiles seductively. "You're Robin Hooch, the prince of thieves, aren't you?" "And you're Vegina, the best and hottest newscaster there ever was." "So we've both heard of each other, adorable. Now can we both see each other naked?" "That can be arranged," Robin smiles, wickedly, "My friends and I were looking to have a fun romp tonight, would you and your friend like to join us?" The bandit points at the table he got up from, and we see all the Fairy Men sat around it. Little Dick lifts up his drink, as though greeting them, Will Harlot gives them a light wave and Friar Fuck caresses his crotch, teasingly. The Evil Drag Queen looks to the Imp and asks what it thinks, to which the lackey says that could be fun. "So, you four do this sort of thing often?" it asks, to which Robin replies, "Of course. We're in an open polyamorous relationship, because all gay men are big, big sluts." "Mhm," the Evil Drag Queen nods; "They absolutely are," the Imp agrees; "Amen to that," Quasi joins in, "'Men' being the part to underline." Everyone drinks and cheers, as they all seem to really be having a gay old time.
Back in the real Embiggened Forest - as in, still in Fairy Tale Land -, we are taken into the blue palace, wherein Rena Charming can be seen standing shirtless in front of his bathroom mirror, having just woken up, past 11 a.m. He rubs his stubble and wonders whether or not he should shave it off. "Keep it," Ali is heard saying from the entrance to the bathroom, "Stubbles are sexy. I prefer them over clean-shaven looks or full-grown beards. Just a thing with me." Rena smiles off the left corner of his mouth, and moves to kiss her. "Hmmm," she sounds off, as she moves away, "You may keep the stubble, but you absolutely must get rid of that heinous breath." "I haven't eaten yet, I never brush before I eat, just makes me nauseous," he explains; "You know what might be a good thing from now on, then? You waking up at a time that isn't too late for breakfast nor too early for lunch. It's 11:15, Rena." "I'm... jet-lagged?" he tries. "Nice try," she smiles teasingly, "You've been in this land for nearly three months." "Has it been that long? Damn. Sure feels like I've done so much and nothing at all in that much time. Wanna go out and kill summore Nazi kids?" "Raincheck?" Ali answers, "I actually... I wanna talk to you. I know it's still early - for you, anyway -, but I really do think that we should talk." "Then we'll talk," he assures her. They walk out into the adjacent bedroom, Rena's, and Ali sits down on his bed and taps on it, prompting him to sit. He picks up a shirt off the back of a chair to put it on, but Ali playfully tells him not to. He puts the shirt back down. "You know, my husband didn't have the same abdominal muscles you do," she tells him, "Not that I ever saw him naked much. I'm sure he'd appreciate yours as well." Rena brushes this off by asking her what she wanted to talk to him about. "Well..." she starts to say, "I know that the Dog has been telling you about my... past." Rena looks confused, as she goes on: "I don't know how he knows, and I resent him for telling you and plan to eventually confront him about it, but, it's true, Rena. I used to work as a prostitute for my stepmother." Rena's eyes widen. "Oh," he says, not quite sure how to react, "Wow." "She forced me to do it. You don't know what it was like, living with her. You told me the story of that 'Cinderella' and I actually envied her. She was forced to clean the house, big whoop, I did that and so many more horrible things. I struggled so much to break free from that life but always wound up back there somehow." Rena remains silent. "...Are you disappointed in me?" He smiles sweetly. "Are you kidding me? You went through so much, so many traumatizing experiences, and you still have the kindest, purest heart in all the lands. Your ex-husband was bullied a little cos he's a sausage-rammer and every week he holds public executions because of it. I'm not disappointed, I am beyond proud of you." Ali smiles back at him, entirely relieved. They kiss. Once they break it off, he is however obligated to tell her that the Dog never said anything about any of that to him. "Oh?" Ali looks confused, "Meh. Must be Blow just being Blow then." "Yeah I hate her." Ali chuckles. They kiss again. Once they're done, Rena asks, "Ali, is that... don't get mad at me for asking, but is that why we haven't had much sex - or rather, any sex, since that first time? Are you somehow... turned off by sex because of what they made you do?" "Not at all," Ali appeases him, "I still enjoy sex as much as the next person. It's just, we decided to take it slow, and I guess we've been busy, what with hiding out in the woods with everyone we know and all that." Rena realizes she's right. "Should we have sex now?" he tries. "Nah."
"Soooooo... hi fellas!" the Imp says, as gleefully as it usually does, to the dozen or so pirates gathered around it, in a flashback. "Answer the question," the portly man demands, "What are you?!" "I am the Imp," the creature replies as it gets back up on its feet, slowly, while all the swords point at it, "I was sent to Hefferland by His Majesty the Evil Queer, to secure a most precious ingredient for his moisturizing cream." One of the pirates asks if anyone understood any of that, and the chubby man quiets him, and orders that he go get the captain. "You could use some moisturizer yourself," the Imp tells the man, "You have a big pimple on your nose. Want me to squeeze it? I squeeze the pimples on His Faggesty's bum. I used to try my best to not hurt him but he likes pain, so..." "Quiet!!" the fat man shouts, "The captain will decide what to do with you." It isn't long before said captain shows up, leather-clad, with a red vest below his long black jacket, hiding a hairy chest below, a hook in the place of his left hand, and a shit-ton of guyliner. The suave man grunts: "Is there a particular reason why you had me woken up from my nap, Mr. Smear?" The fat man adopts an entirely new demeanor upon the presence of his beloved boss. "C-Captain!" he salutes, "We found this, this, thing, aboard the ship. Appeared out of nowhere. We're thinking..." "You're thinking the Lost Bastards sent it over. To spy on us. That damn Peter Poon, shady as fuck..." Mr. Smear asks, "W-what should we do with it, dear Captain?" The Imp notices how sycophantic the fat man appears to be; Captain Hooker, the leader of the piractes, the scum and the cum of the seven seas, looks the Imp straight in the eyes and tells his devoted admirer, "What we always do, Mr. Smear." A most wicked smile makes itself shown in the pirate's lips. "Make it walk the plank..." The Imp gulps. And then jumps up and down with excitement, clapping its hands. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"
Act II[edit | edit source]
The flashback resumes as we see the Imp, with its hands tied behind its back, walking the plank of the Jolly Rammer, the feared and revered Captain Hooker himself pointing his sword at the creature's back with the hand he has left. On his right wrist we see a small tattoo reading "JtH", with a hook surrounding it. "So you're saying you're from the Embiggened Forest, huh?" the corsair asks; when the Imp nods, he continues: "I have a score to settle with a filthy whore back there. Bitch took my hand, now I have to take her head." The Imp, trying to weasel out of its current predicament, tells the pirate maybe they can come to some sort of agreement, he lets it go, and it helps him get to the woman against whom he has a vendetta. The pirate laughs this off, commenting on how his men have already secured his vial of lubricant, which means he can now travel to wherever he pleases, and doesn't need the Imp for anything. "Look at it this way," Hooker tells the Imp, "You're a piece of shit. Think of the ocean as a huge toilet bowl." All his fellow pirates laugh at this poor excuse of a joke, and Mr. Smear is even a little turned on by his captain's sense of humor. The Imp too finds it hilarious and cackles a little. "Now, jump!" With this, Captain Hooker pokes the Imp in its back and forces him to lunge forward, off the plank and into the sea below. And it disappears. The pirates look overboard and the Imp is nowhere to be found. "Guess he was pretty dense, huh?" Smear supposes. "Boys, lube me up," the captain demands. "With pleasure!!" Smear immediately says, proceeding to take the vial from his pocket and smearing it - pun intended - all over his boss. It's pearly-white and smells like chlorine. It also doesn't spread as easily as one would presume. "Weird lubricant," Hooker comments, "But if it gets to where I wanna go..."
In the waters below the Jolly Rammer, the Imp has dissolved itself upon hitting the water. The fecal matter that was holding it together by magic has separated itself into various chunks and pieces and even liquids, meaning the rope tying its hands together has come off on its own. The various parts that compose the lackey reach the beachy shores of Hefferland, and, upon hitting drier land, they all come together through magic. And thus, the Imp is "reborn". It reaches into its pocket - it has pockets in its Tarzan-esque thong, they're very convenient - and takes out the vial of magic lubricant. "Sigh," it says, "They took my precious Faggesty's sample that I was gonna take to the golden sperm bank, so that he could have babies once the curse hit. My beloved Evil Queer is gonna whip me for this." From aboard the Jolly Rammer, a loud cry of "FUCKING HELL!!" can be heard coming from Captain Hooker. The Imp shakes this off and heads off into the woods of Hefferland. It's a beautiful, sunny day in the island. "Huh, I thought it was always nighttime in Hefferland," it says to itself, "Wonder where I got that from." The Imp checks its item list and, below "Snowflake from Arendolt" one can see "Dixie Dust from Hefferland". The Imp spots the flowers from which dixie dust comes from, up on trees in a clearing. The minion promptly climbs up one of those trees with surprising agility, ignoring the sign that says "Property of Stinker Bell: Keep out or bleed out", and proceeds to pluck several flowers and place them in its neverending pocket. Then, out of the blue, an arrow pierces through the oak of the tree, almost taking out one of the Imp's eyes. "As Renaboss would say, 'Dafuq?'" "Over there," someone is heard saying. The Imp looks below and sees several hooded figures coming out into the clearing, sporting bows and arrows, and eying it up on the tree. "That's not Stinker Bell," one of them is heard saying. "Doesn't matter," their apparent leader responds, as he takes out his hood to reveal a relatively young man, "Kill it anyway!" His companions, all young, all male, and commonly known as the Lost Bastards, chase after the Imp, who jumps off into the ground, rolls forward and starts running away, screaming. "Kill it!!" Penix, the troupe's leader, is heard shouting, "Kill it with fire!!" The young men rush after the Imp, firing their arrows at will and trying to take it down, but the creature manages to dodge them all because the lump of shit is centric and we're in a flashback on act 2. The Imp manages to take out the vial of lubricant and spill it all over itself. It thinks about where it wants to go next and disappears into the thin air, leaving the boys chasing after nothing. "Where'd he go?" "What the fuck happened?" "What's this mole on my shoulder?" the boys are heard wondering. Penix catches up to them and looks aggravated, throwing down his own bow and cursing at them. "You incompetent fools!! Just for that, there will be no circle jerk tonight!" The boys all moan with discontentment.
In Faggy Tail Land, in the Imp's alternate present, the creature has left Quasihomo's tavern, excusing itself from its new friends but claiming it'd do everything in its power to attend that orgy tonight. Intent on continuing to explore this new wondrous place, the Imp makes it out of the business area of El Horado and spots the playground where it has wanted to play with the Mini-Imp and Abigoat before, though they'd been forbidden by the Evil Queer, out of fear the townspeople might take revenge on the evil king by hurting his little big sister. Sitting on the half-moon seesaw are old Geppedo and young Dom Thumb, who go up and down in turns, having the time of their lives. "Wee, this is so much fun," the young boy is heard saying to his companion, "I can't wait to reprise these movements over your crotch tonight." Gay kids are also sluts. The Imp joins them and comments that they seem happy. Geppedo nods and says that the ancient Momans had it right, back when the paterfamiliae all had young men servicing them on the side. "We've been dating ever since the curse hit," the toymaker explains, "I'd never felt this young, wild and free. I don't even need my blue pills anymore." "No, you just need a picture of Pornocchio by your bedside," Dom quips. "Don't you dare bring him into this!! Not again!!" Gep lashes out. Dom rolls his eyes, saying "Whatever." Feeling the rising awkwardness, the Imp bids adieu and walks away, leaving them to their continuing argument. Near the playground, it spots Anastupid and Dumbella Trampaine, still trying to sell their bodies, as is their wont. Anastupid has a sign below her that reads "Fertile woman, down for breeding", while Dumbella's sign reads "Power bottom, DTF". The Imp gives them a nasty look as it comments, "Boy, you sure are the ugliest men I've ever seen." "Shut up!" Ana fires at it, "We're not men!!" "Yes we are, shhh," Ella corrects her, "For fuck's sake, Ana, just go with it. Mommy's dead and we couldn't afford to keep the mansion and we need to make a living somehow." "No, Ella!! I'm sick of this! It's beyond humiliating that the stupid curse mistook us for men and spared our lives!! You can pretend to be a man all you want, I'm not gonna budge! My womanhood is my pride, I refuse to give into the patriarchy!!" The Imp comments that it would very much like to slap and shake Ana but she is just too tall for it to reach her. A random man walks by and Ella offers her services as a manwhore, but the passerby repeats the Imp's comment that she's the ugliest man he's ever seen. Ella sighs, and Ana chuckles, until the man spots her and says, "Oh, I stand corrected, you're the ugliest man I've ever seen." Then both sisters just look glum. "Well, I wish you both the best of luck in this great new land, whatever gender you are," the Imp tells them, "It's 2017 somewhere, gender is less and less relevant as time goes by." With this said, the Imp waves them goodbye. As the sisters bid farewell to it, a prosthetic penis drops to the ground below and between Dumbella's legs. "...Were you keeping a plastic dick between your legs?" Ana asks, to which Ella replies, "Hey, when in Mome..."
Back to Fairy Tale Land again and we see the Dog trying to defecate out on the front lawn of the blue palace, struggling to make sure the poop comes out, but he seems to be rather constipated. Rena comes out of the palace, having gone looking for him, and is horrified by the sight of his new best friend taking a dump out in the open, just like any regular dog would. "Holy fucking crap!! Literally! What the hell are you doing?!" "I'm playing baseball, what does it look like?!" "You shit out here?! What the... There's literally 20 bathrooms in the fricking palace!" "I'm a dog!" "You sit at our table and eat with us, you can't shit on the can?!" "I'm accostumed to this, whaddaya want from me?!" Rena looks away, disgusted and still shell-shocked, as the Dog tries to tend to his business, to no avail. "C-can... can you look at me? Please?" he asks, awkwardly, nervously. "...What?" Rena is still facing away. "I know it's weird, but it'd really help me out." "...You want me to look at you. As you shit." "I feel very vulnerable doing this, okay? It'd help me to look at someone I can trust." Rena sighs, knowing this to be true about dogs, and looks back at him. The Dog stares right into his eyes. The seconds go by, and the only sounds that can be heard are the leaves dancing in the trees and the plumps of poop hitting the grass. The two friends never stop looking at one another, as though they're staring into each other's souls. It's... very uncomfortable. The Dog finishes, and gets back up on his two posterior limbs. "Thanks a bunch," he says. "Don't mention it." "So," back to normal, "You needed something?" "Yeah, actually..." Rena goes on to say, "Look, we, we never finished that conversation we were having the other day, about me possibly having killed my wife." "Yeah, it's weird how we just left that hanging," the Dog comments; "Very weird," Rena says, "Anywho, yeah, I didn't, and the reason why it gave me so much pause to talk about it, other than the usual 'I barely know you' excuses, is that... my story is... it's so damn similar to yours." The Dog asks him what he means by this, and the Savior explains: "I came home one night and Gabby was just dead in my kitchen. Multiple stab wounds. I'm pretty sure whoever killed her used our utensils and then put them into our washing machine, which, retarded. They never did find out who killed her, but the authorities wrongfully accused me of doing it. It... it was bad." "And why couldn't you just say that all to me before?" "Because!" Rena tells him, "I mean, your thing with Anitta, it just... when you told me what happened to her, I was floored. The similarities are uncanny. You came home, she was dead, multiple stab wounds, you were accused of it all... I mean, what are the odds? I didn't want you to think that I was just copying your story, that'd be way too suspicious." "Rena, you don't have to worry, you could have told me, I trust pretty much everything you tell me. It's what you don't tell me that worries me." Rena nods, understanding this. "I gotta tell ya, though," the Dog continues, "If there is some mighty force out there writing our stories, they're really not very original." "Word," Rena agrees. They start to head back into the palace, the Dog putting his arm over Rena's shoulders. "Are you not gonna wipe your ass?" "Of course not," the Dog responds, "Then what would my other dog friends sniff?" "I... I need new friends."
In a flashback, the Imp now finds itself in the strangest of lands it has visited thus far. Darkness surrounds it, and suddenly it misses the beautiful, sunny day it'd just experienced in Hefferland. Looking around, the creature can see several mountains that seem to be unfinished, as though they start to rise from the ground up but don't ever get a summit. Below it is a road made up of yellow bricks, but several bricks are missing, leading to there being a big number of holes in it. The sky is a dark shade of green, filled with black clouds, and creatures far more strange than the Imp hover above it, resembling monkeys with wings sprouting from their backs. "So this is Soz," the Imp says, "Boy, what a half-assed name. I coulda come up with something better than that. I'd have called it... PeePeeCaCaPooPooLand. And I'd be the Evil Queer here. Ah, just imagine that..." The Imp walks down the neglected brick road, towards a black castle in the near distance.
Before long, the Imp has gotten into the castle, with an ease that surprised even it. Inside the castle, the sight is far more pleasant, as it appears someone's been taking care of it. The Imp checks its list and learns that it needs green skin cells, which stumps it. "Who the fuck are you?" a feminine voice is heard asking, and the Imp puts down its list to reveal the vision of an attractive, tall, and green-skinned woman before it. "Aaaaaahhhh," it lets out, "Well okay then." "How did you break into my castle?!" "The door was wide open," the Imp answers. "I really need to fire that stupid Will Harlot," the woman, donning a black witch's outfit, complains, "Worst guard ever." "So, I'm gonna need you to sit still as I scrape some of your skin off, mkay?" The witch gasps at this, and conjures up a fireball in her right hand, which she immediately throws at the Imp, who dodges it in time. The tiny humanoid hides behind a green pillar, and the witch goes around her black cauldron, located at the center of the room, looking for it. Behind her is a small stage containing many things presumably collected from far-off lands, with burgundy drapes bookending it. "I will find you, you know," the witch promises, "I can track your smell." She turns around the pillar and faces the Imp, throwing another fireball in its direction, this time hitting it in the ass, causing it to shout with pain. The Imp rushes towards the stage, hiding behind the trinkets, and the witch doesn't dare to hurl fireballs and risk damaging them. "Get out from behind my things, you thing!" "Come get me, bitch!!" "It's Wicked Bitch, mind you! Come on now! Are you a turd or a pansy?!" The Bitch gets up on the stage and looks around for her prey, between an old vitrola and a poster of a kitten hanging from a branch reading "Hang in there, pussy". Suddenly, the burgundy drapes descend upon her and she lets out a small shriek as she is captured beneath them. She struggles to break free, but the Imp pops up and kicks her, rolling her body in the drapes and wrapping her in them. She curses its name - or would, if she knew it - as the Imp takes out one of her shoes and scrapes off her green callus into a little plastic bag, using a switchblade. "I'll get you, my ugly," the Bitch roars as the Imp slathers itself up in lubricant again, "And your little stench too!!" The Imp ignores this as it prepares to move on, but it is suddenly grabbed from behind by the Bitch, now free from the drapes. She holds it up, preparing to exact her vengeance, but the lackey is so slippery that it slides right through her hands and back onto the floor. It isn't long before the Imp is gone, and the witch stomps her foot with anger. However, her frustration is squashed once she realizes what it is she's now got traces of in her hands. "The Mad Fapper's lubricant..." She rubs her hands together three times as she says to herself, "At last, I can go after that pigtailed little bitch..." The witch vanishes too, leaving her castle and her personal little museum behind.
"Anyone home?" the Imp wonders, back in Faggy Tail Land, as it makes its way into the blue palace. Upon entry, it immediately spots Rena Charming descending the central staircase like he owns the place - which, for all effects and purposes, he now does. "My, my," the former Savior comments, "If it isn't our old friend... enemy?... minor nuisance, the Imp. What can I do ya for, champ?" "Rena!! You're looking very dapper today. Are you gay now?" "Oh, absolutely," Rena comes closer, looking very chipper as well, "I don't even know why I bothered trying to stop the curse, I've never been happier before! I have a palace, infinite riches with no job and no prophecies to live up to, and I've found the love of my life." The Imp wonders who, and then a familiar voice is heard practically singing, "Daaaarling, I keep getting better at making pizza." The Big Bad Dog shows up, coming from the kitchen and bringing with him a freshly-baked squirrel meat pizza, which he brings over to Rena. "That smells delicious baby," Rena tells him before they share a loving kiss. "You need to shave," the Dog tells him, to which Rena replies, "You realize your snout is nothing but hair, right?" "You two... you're a couple now?" the Imp asks, surprised. Rena nods and the Dog tells it, "It took us a while to realize our feelings for each other, and of course the curse helped to that, but I guess sometimes you just can't see what's right in front of you." They kiss again, this time even more lovingly, and the Imp looks at them with admiration in its eyes. "You two are relationship goals, I have never shipped anyone more in my life." They break off the kiss, giggling, and Rena asks the minion what brings him there, to which the creature explains that it's just wandering about the land to see the effects the curse would have on everyone. "Would?" the Dog wonders; "Nevermind," the creature brushes off, "Is anyone else here? I'm kind of striving to see as many male characters as possible." "Sure," Rena tells him, "Porn is prolly up there somewhere, feel free to look around. Enjoy the palace as it is while you can, we're thinking of painting it hot pink." The Imp ascends the staircase in a hurry and snoops around the palace's many, many bedrooms, eventually finding Pornocchio and Jizzinme Cricket making out with one another in the former's bedroom, the tiny anthropomorphic animal floating mid-air. "Oh, wow, can I just say these new ships are so much better than the original ones? That Ballserina was cute but bland." "Imp, old friend," Porn says as he spots the creature after he and the Cricket have broken up their kiss, "What brings you here?" "You're not upset over me keeping you in the dungeons of the castle and feeding you nothing but stale bread?" the Imp recalls; "Nah, I kicked you senseless, we're five by five." "You two make a lovely couple," the Imp tells them, "But may I ask, how do you make love?" "Oh, it's frustratingly complicated and ridiculously unsightly," the Cricket assures him. "I would imagine so. Well, I shall leave you to do your thing, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." With this, the Imp sets off, planning to visit the golden castle next, but a voice calls out from a different bedroom. "Please!! Please, help me!!" Its attention caught, the Imp enters said bedroom - Blow White's - and notices the voice is coming from the Vagic Mirror, who begs for release. "Can someone please undo my fricking curse?!" The Imp asks what happened to him, to which the man in the mirror recounts his story, of how he was cursed by the Evil Drag Queen to be imprisoned on the other side of the mirror and basically feed her/his/its ego, but Blow White stole him from her step-relative and then dropped dead thanks to the curse. "And now I'm gay! Because of course the curse affected me even though I'm technically in another realm right now. I couldn't get out before either but at least I could watch Blow White get naked and do all sorts of filthy things before. The woman was a horrid ratchet cunt but that ass on her was fapulous. But now not even the men of the palace parade themselves around me!! I wanna get out!!" "Wish I could help you," the Imp tells him, not really meaning it, "But I'm off to the golden castle to see His Faggesty, the Evil Queer. He must be over the moon with happiness in this new land he created." "Ha, yeah right..." the Mirror snides. "What's wrong?" "Nothing. Yeah, sure, go and see your precious Queer. Meet his new hubby. Say hi to the girl he spared from the curse. But don't expect everyone to be having a gay old time." "I've already made that joke," the Imp informs him; "Oh, sorry, my bad. I'm just a tertiary character, I hardly ever get the best lines." The Imp leaves the mirror behind, now worrying about the sake of King Joshooa...
Act III[edit | edit source]
"This... is... neat-o." The Imp marvels at the sight before it in a flashback. Surrounding the creature is a vast green landscape that almost looks unreal, as though it was created by CGI. Large red mushrooms with white spots are scattered alongside the yellow brick road that the Imp starts to travel down. A pink marshmallow lake is found in the near distance, with dragonflies that actually spit out fire hovering above it. The Imp is delighted by everything it sees, coming to learn first-hand that all the talk about Wonderbraland is true. Over one of the mushrooms, one can see a hookah-smoking Caterpila puffing out smoke testicles (complete with smoke pubes, imagine that). The Caterpila notices the Imp and asks, with a rough, aging rockstar voice, "Who... the fuck... are you?" The Imp introduces itself, but then hears yet another voice - higher-pitched, and slightly annoying - that says, "He's not particularly interested, don't kid yourself." The Imp looks around to see where the voice is coming from, no apparent source visible. It sounded ethereal, and as though it surrounded the creature entirely, as opposed to having come from this or that particular space. "Oh no, I'm hearing voices again," the Imp says, "Please, there's only so many buildings I can burn to the ground!" "I, however, am interested in knowing who you are, stranger," the voice goes on to say, before a set of large teeth appears out of the thin air, over a branch in a nearby tree. "You've got spinach on your teeth," the Imp says; "You've got shit on yours!!" the voice responds; "I've got shit all over," the Imp concludes. A pair of big, bright, yellow eyes show over the large mouth. "This is a strange land," the Imp comments, with the voice going on to say, "You're strange. I'm strange. Together we are strange strangers." The face of a large cat resumes appearing, to complement the teeth and the eyes, and so does the rest of its body. "Hey, I know you because of reasons!!" the Imp blurts out, "You're Lucifuck, Lady Trampaine's fat cat." "I haven't been Lucifuck for a very long time," the large Cat recounts, "Or maybe a couple of days. Time runs differently here, it's hard to keep up." "Must be easier though if you're making timelines." "Sure, if you can bother with that. Anyway, they call me the Cheshire Twat now. And I've got a riddle for you: what came first, the chicken or the egg?" "Yo mama," the Imp tries, after taking ten seconds to think. "Correct you are! You shall pass!" "But I'm not even sure where I'm going!" "If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there," the Twat tells it. The Imp smiles, taking this to be true, and carries on through.
Eventually, the Imp makes it to a large maze, knowing that at the center of it is a big rose that used to be red but was then painted white only to be painted red again, and it needs a couple of petals plucked from that rose to be used as ingredients in the moisturizer. The Imp manages to make it to the center of the maze in no time, mathematically figuring out which exits to use and which corners to turn. The Imp is kind of autistic, you see. Having reached its destiny, the Imp nears the pedestal upon which the rose is saved, and takes out the two petals the Queer demands. "Guards, seize that thing!!" The Imp squeals when it hears this, and notices a pair of men wearing what appear to be playing cards rush into the center of the maze, after it. The Imp tries to dash off, but the guards are faster than the snowman or the island boys, and manage to grab and overpower it. The man who gave the command, the Knave of Farts, approaches them and orders that this bizarre, smelly creature be taken to Her Majesty. The Imp swallows dry, yet again.
It isn't long before we are shown the throne room of the Queen's castle, as the Imp is escorted there by the card-guards that seized it, and the Knave of Farts positions himself beside the Red Queef, who is, as her name would indicate, dressed in red from top to bottom, a beautiful crown of ruby jewels ornating her shiny, blond hair. Her face is covered by a red veil, with everyone in her court wearing masquerade masks. The Knave hands her the petals that the Imp stole, and she talks to him through a long pipe that contorts from her mouth to his hear, and he listens to her mumbles. The Knave asks, per the Queef's demanding curiosity, just what exactly the Imp is and what he needed with the rose's petals. The frightened lackey immediately responds that it was just collecting ingredients requested of it by its King, and this declaration prompts the Queef to stomp her foot. "There is only one royal in this entire realm," the Knave explains, "Her Majesty, the Red Queef!" "Right, right, yes," the Imp corrects itself, "But you see, I am not from this realm, I am only passing by, I come from the Embiggened Forest, from Fairy Tale Land!" This triggers a reaction from the Queen, although the Imp can't see this. It continues: "I work for the new King of El Horado, Joshooa! He needed the petals for a moisturizer, he's very high-maintenance!" "Silence!" the Knave demands, "I'm fairly certain we've had enough! Your Majesty, I'd be delighted to personally execute this, this tiny beast. So, off with its head?" The Red Queef, however, lifts up her right hand, to the Knave's surprise. She tells him something through the contorted pipe, and the Knave's demeanor is quickly changed. "Oh," he says, "Oh, well, alright then." He turns to the guards and tells them to let the Imp go, which surprises everyone. The cards let go of the creature, who also looks puzzled, but obviously don't question their reasoning, instead preparing to head out in safety before they change their minds. "Wait!" the Knave calls out, after the Queef murmurs something else in his ears, "Don't forget these." The Queen's second-in-command has been given back the petals, and extends his hand for the Imp to take them form him. With caution, the Imp turns back and approaches the Knave, taking and pocketing the petals before running off. Once it's gone and out of view, the Red Queef lifts up her veil, showing her beautiful, saddened face. A single tear streams down Queen Damodyke's left cheek, as memories of home and happier times rush through her head.
The Evil Queer is busy squatting over a pocket mirror laid on the floor below him, noticing that he's got one hair in his butthole that has yet to be plucked out. "I need to get the Imp on this as soon as it gets home," he says to himself. Suddenly, a blast of white magic is both seen and heard and the Imp appears out of the thin air, slathered in the magic lubricant, puffing and panting as it recomposes itself, finally back home. "Speak of the devil," Joshooa says, "And I mean that. Did you bring me everything I required?" The Imp nods, and the Queer gets back up, allowing his garbs to flow back down over his legs. "It took you forever, Imp," the Queer remarks, "Or a couple minutes perhaps, I refuse to compare timelines. Hand over the ingredients to Merkin, he'll take a break from decoding the Curse's scrolls to make the moisturizer for me." The Imp nods again, and prepares to leave the King's chamber. However, Josh calls out to him. "Oh, and Imp?" The creature turns back around, expecting a thank you for its services. "You're especially smelly today," the Queer tells it instead, "Bathe yourself in perfume. I'd rather you smell like a skunk in a flower garden than the latrines of my heartless soldiers." The Imp nods a third time. And heads out, its little heart a tad hurt over how unappreciated it is.
Back in the present, the Imp marvels at the sight of the golden castle atop the hill. Heading in its direction, the tiny creature's heart almost literally jumps up and down with excitement over the thought of finally going to see its adored master. For as long as the Imp had been alive - and it wasn't that long, in all fairness - it had only wanted for one thing: the Queer's happiness. But the Imp, albeit somewhat naïve and slow-witted, wasn't downright stupid, and knew that the king it so revered wasn't happy. In the least. The curse was the key to his happiness, and the thought of witnessing said happiness provided the Imp with a great deal of happiness as well. Thoughts like this were what kept it entertained as it walked alone up the hill to the castle, being let in by the confused-looking guards who recognized it. Inside the castle, the first person the Imp notices is the Fucksman. "Pemus, my dear old friend!" the Imp calls out; "Imp! Long time no see! Where have you been?" "Not sure, to be quite honest, right now I think I'm technically passed out in my bedroom." "O...kay," Fucks looks confused, "Well, um, if you're going to see your master, you may as well pass along the message that I am quite miffed at his decision to postpone our honeymoon. I really wanted to visit Moisthaven!" "Your... your honeymoon?" the Imp's chin drops fast. "That's right! You wouldn't know, now would you? You missed our wedding, after all! Seriously, where have you been? I asked Joshooa but he would always just act weird whenever I brought you up." "I can't believe you and the Queer got married..." "What can I say, Stockholm Syndrom is so in right now. Once the curse set in, it just opened my eyes to how much in love with him I really was, but couldn't see it. It's so paradoxically stimulating how I love to be dominated by him 'whilst still being the top in that relationship. Although I have to admit, having my heart back isn't all it's cracked up to be. I miss being submissive to him... We still roleplay like that sometimes, but it's just not as fun." "Well, it's nice to know the Queer is happily married now," the Imp says, while envying Pemus some, "I hope it all works out for you, and wish you a long and happy marriage. Is he around?" "He mostly just mopes around in our bedroom during the day, while I go out and spend the king's riches on assless chaps, poppers and cock cages because I'm gay now. You'll find him there, surely." The Imp walks past the Fucksman, who calls out to it one last time, saying, "Oh, and I haven't forgotten our little romp in the dungeon before the curse. If you ever wanna repeat that, let me know. You're the biggest I've ever had, champ." "But..." the Imp is further confused, "You're married to the Queer." "It's a gay marriage! Gay equals open. As in, open asshole. You need to get your hands on a copy of 'The Dark Curse for Dummies', it's available on sale at Cocksworth's library." With this, the Fucksman heads out, and the Imp shrugs its shoulders and goes up the stairs.
On the way to the Queer's chamber, the Imp hears a muffled cry, and its attention is caught by it. It enters a bedroom - Abigoat's pink bedroom - and calls out for her. "Abby?" But it isn't Abby it sees; it's Cinderali, crying by the windowside. "Princess Alison?" Cinderali is puzzled to see the Imp. "Imp... I... I hadn't seen you since the curse set. I'd honestly forgotten about you." "I'll try not to take that personally," the Imp responds, "I'm surprised to see you here, princess. Did the Queer spare you?" Ali nods. "How droll. You should be happy then. You get to live." "Oh, some life it is," Ali gets up, enraged and sad at once, "I told him, I specifically told him, a multitude of times, that I rejected his offer, his mercy, that I didn't want to be saved. He ignored me. He..." She sits back down, looking desolate yet again. "He took from me that people I loved... Killed them, or changed them... Took away my shot at true love, at happiness... And kept me alive to witness all that. To deal with all that. Every day. A fate worse than death..." The Imp feels bad for her. "And now I sit around, isolated from the rest of the world, playing a waiting game. Because I know... someday, they'll come to me. They'll come to me, and ravage me. Make me the land's baby factory." "That day is today, princess," an all-too-familiar voice comes from the door to the bedroom, "So spread them wide and let your Savior come inside." "Rena..." Ali says. One would think she might be happy to see him again. Happiness is not what her face conveys. Rena Charming and the Big Bad Dog allow themselves into the room, commenting on how cute it is. "See, Buster and I were thinking," Rena starts to tell his ex-girlfriend, "Something is missing in our lives. We're happy together, that's a fact. We've got a beautiful palace to live in with our friends, more money than we could possibly spend, and no worries whatsoever. But something's still missing. So, basically..." "We wanna have a baby!" the Dog blurts out, excitedly. "Yes, we wanna have a baby," Rena confirms. Ali looks intimidated. "We were thinking, we could both have a go at you. At once even, how fun would that be? And then you'd just carry our child, give it to us once it was born, and we would never even have to know who the father is." "Mhm, it doesn't matter," the Dog says, "It'd be our kid. Oh my God, he or she is gonna be so beautiful. Wait, can girls even be born? The curse killed them all, but can more be made? Does anyone even know?" "We may just find out," Rena says, as he advances on Ali, who tries to make a run for it, but the muscular former hero is much too strong for her to fight back against. "Renato, stop it!" the Imp shouts, horrified, "Let her go!!" Ali screams as Rena pins her against the bed on her stomach, proceeding to rip off her dress. The Dog positions himself behind him and starts to thrust his hips forward, as though Rena is the now filling in a sexual sandwich. "You like that, baby?" "Fuck her, moron, my ass isn't fertile!!" The Dog then helps to slash Ali's dress, stripping her gradually, as Rena lowers his pants and proceeds to violate her, his right hand covering her mouth as she grunts with pain. "Oh come on, Ali," he tries to calm her, "You used to love my corkscrew dick, remember? You said we were a perfect fit!" The Dog holds her wrists down as the Imp cries out at them to stop, to no avail. "I have to warn the Queer," it says, before exiting the bedroom in a hurry. "Yeah, you do that," Rena tells him, "I've been meaning to tap that twinky ass every since I got here."
Its tiny feet provoke an ever-expanding choral of sounds as they sprint through the halls of the golden castle, rushing towards the Evil Queer's master chamber, despair driving it forward. The Imp doesn't even take the time to be surprised at its own reaction to the docile princess' attack. Usually, it would be amused and possibly turned on by such a scenario, but to see someone so gentle and also so sad be attacked so viciously awoke something in the creature it didn't even know was there. The Imp bursts into the bedroom and immediately spots Joshooa sitting by the window and calls out for him, shrieking even. The Queer doesn't move. Doesn't even flinch. "Your Majesty!!" the Imp tries again, "Sir!! They're raping your wife!!" Josh finally moves his head - slowly - and looks at the Imp. His eyes are red and have bags under them; it looks as though he hasn't slept in days. "...Imp?" he says, albeit barely. The creature moves closer to him and recounts what just happened again, but Josh just looks surprised to see him. And unfazed, all at once. "How are you here?" he asks, "Is this... is this an illusion? Are you a ghost?" The Imp is the one who looks confused. It gets down on its knees, before him, and tries to shake the Queer out of his near-transe. "Sir!! Are you alright?" The Queer looks it in the eyes and starts to chuckle, with little enthusiasm put into it. "I should be, right? I mean... I got what I wanted. What I set out to do." Josh gets up from his chair, very slowly, and starts to walk around the room, his eyes never fixating on anything. The doors to the balcony are wide open, and the sun enters the room through both the balcony and the large window by which he was sat, so it is actually quite illuminated, which contrasts with the darkness that seems to hover over the royal. "Sir, what happened to you?..." the Imp wonders, and Josh doesn't respond for several seconds. When he does, his voice comes out hoarse and barely audible, tired, devoid of life: "I cast the curse... I... they told me what I needed. I gathered everything required and I... I cast the curse. Rena couldn't stop me. No one could stop me. And... here we are, then. Faggy Tail Land. Everything I wanted. Everything I needed. To be happy." The Imp gets up off its knees and inches closer again. "You don't look happy," he says, stating the obvious. The Queer chuckles lightly and sadly again. "I was warned, you know. That there'd be a price to pay. A void in my heart that could never be filled. I just never..." He stops. The room is deafeningly silent whenever they stop speaking. As though all semblance of life has been drained from it. "You never what, Sir?" the Imp asks. "...I never thought the void would just be all-encompassing. I have no heart anymore. Just the void." The Imp looks extremely sad for his beloved master, as the Queer goes on to recount what happened. "I killed her. Did you know that? I killed her." "Who?" the Imp is almost afraid to ask. By now, its mind has almost forgotten about Cinderali's predicament. "They told me, the, the wizards told me what the key ingredient to casting the curse was. A dark curse of such magnitude had to be accompanied by something equally as dark. I needed to sacrifice someone of my own flesh and blood. It came down to the only family I had left of course. Who to kill, who to kill... Boy did that keep me up at night." The Imp comes to a chilling conclusion. "Sir..." he says. "It was so easy before, you know? I had it all figured out. I'd spare Ali, and cast the curse, and my dad would finally accept me because he'd pretty much have to, he'd be just like me. Then Abby woke up. And they threw that curveball at me, the sacrifice thing. So, yeah. Sleepless nights. Who to kill, who to kill... It almost drove me crazy." "And you... you killed her? You killed Abby?" Tears start to well up in the Imp's eyes. "It made sense to me... I wouldn't want her to... I wouldn't want to expose her to all of this. To know just how much of a monster I was. I worried that maybe one day the men would get a hold of her and abuse her, in order to procreate." "Oh, right," the Imp is suddenly reminded, "Speaking of which..." "So I killed her," the Queer bluntly interrupts, "She didn't see it coming, poor thing. I snuck into her room and stabbed her in the back. Literally, figuratively, however you wanna put it, I stabbed her in the back. I killed my sister." "Oh my God..." the Imp falls back on its knees, heartbroken. "I just..." Josh continues, "It was so important to me that my father accepted me. And I really convinced myself it was for the best. Abby was never meant to be alive again, we thought we'd lost her forever, but Rumpleforeskin had to bring her back to fuck us up again. God, that horrid beast!" The Imp starts to sob on the floor, over the notion of his new friend being killed by the man he worships so. "I got over losing her, you know? It... it scarred my childhood. Stunted my growing up. My relationship with my father was never that good to begin with, but losing Abby only made it harder for the both of us. But I got over it. The years passed, and I sort of made my peace with her being gone. So I figured... I could do it again. Lose her, I mean. That it'd be easier this time, that, that I'd get over it faster. I... I didn't." The Queer puts one hand up against the wall, for no apparent reason. Not leaning up against it, not composing himself, he just does it. "...I'm still not over it. She asked me 'why', Imp... After I stabbed her, she turned around with tears in her eyes and simply asked me 'why'. I started crying too and didn't know how to answer. She looked just like you did. It hurt so much with you as it was. God, why did I think it'd be easy?..." The Imp is confused, but barely registers this, still desolate. "And then, I mean... almost as soon as we got here, or, as soon as everything changed, my father... Nothing had changed about him. Almost as though the curse didn't strike him at all. He still hated me. More so than ever before, for killing her. And he dropped dead from his own curse mere days after. Maybe the golden curse is what kept him from being affected by my curse, I don't know... But he never accepted me. He died hating me. It was all for nothing." The Imp feels extremely saddened, and is by now unable to say anything. The Queer walks into the balcony and looks down at the land below him. His kingdom. "They all seem happy... I've created a land deprived of hatred, mostly. There's been no crime. I, I gave all my soldiers their hearts back and let them be free, go about their lives. Don't need them anymore. I married Pemus, but... Ugh. It's almost as though I only liked him when he was forced to be with me. I don't like making love to him, I liked what we had before. So... basically there is absolutely nothing in my life that could make me happy. Nothing..." The Imp gets up and tells him, "Sir, I'd love to help you with that, but we need to save Cinderali, she's..." "I asked the Dark One to help me. I pretty much he wouldn't take it back, the curse. Wasn't surprised when he didn't budge. But I still asked, and I begged, and I grovelled. I wanted to go back... You know, I had so much power, I could have used to make an actual difference in the world we already had. I could have outlawed homophobia. And racism. I could have helped to normalize those things, to stop the hatred, the prejudice, the violence. The pain... But I did something so much worse." He turns back to face the Imp, finally looking into its eyes, for the first time since his lackey showed up in his bedroom. "Imp... I am so sorry. For everything. Can you forgive me?" "Sir, I would forgive you any and everything, always! There's nothing I've wanted more than for you to be happy," the creature starts to rush towards the front door, "And I will help you get there, I promise! But we need to help your wife!" "I am so sorry..." Josh says again, as he starts to get up on the railing of the balcony. "Sir?" the Imp grows fearful. And his whole world comes crumbling down when his King leaps over the balcony and onto the ground below. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" The Imp runs towards the balcony just as the loud thud comes from below him, and he looks down to see the Queer's lifeless body in the front garden of the castle, legs and arms bending in ways they shouldn't be bending, and a puddle of blood forming, painting the grass red. "No..." The tear that falls from the Imp's eye follows down the same path that led the Queer to his demise, landing on top of his broken body. And then the Imp starts to shake, as though several spasms are overtaking it. It can barely stand on its feet. "R-Rumple..." it starts to call out, "Rumple! Please, p-please take me out of here, please, I..."
Said and done. In an instant, the Imp regains consciousness back in its bedroom, in Fairy Tale Land. "No need to beg, dearie," the Dark One, still there, welcomes it back, "I heard ya the first time." The Imp is utterly relieved to be back home, and to see that Rumple has heeded its call. "You didn't leave me!" "I'm commemorating my first day of sobriety," the powerful wizard says, "And fighting back the urge to draw wangs on your forehead." "My God, it was awful," the Imp recalls its experience, "T-the Queer, he, he was so miserable. And poor Cinderali, that actually pained me!! I can't let this happen, why would you let this happen?" "It's not gonna happen, dumbass," Rumpleforeskin blurts out. And immediately regrets the outburst. The Imp stares at him with confusion in its eyes. "...What?" "Well fuck me in the ass with a spoon," Rumple lightly berates himself. The Imp gets up on its feet, as a sudden realization dawns on it. "You... you never intended for any of that to happen? Then why... why did you even create the curse? Why goad His Majesty into doing this?" The bigger imp smiles wickedly towards the smaller one and tells it, "Because it's just soooo darn entertaining..." He immediately chuckles evilly, and the Imp moves backwards, slightly frightened. "I have to warn th... I mean... I have to... I have to go." The Imp fears what the Dark One might do to it, in light of the epiphany it just had. Rumple, however, doesn't move. "Alright then," the sorceror tells the tiny minion, "Do go." The Imp's eyes never stop interlocking with Rumple's as it leaves the room. And then it runs as though all hell has broken loose behind it, in search of the Evil Queer, once more. Rumple just laughs maniacally before poofing himself away.
It seems all the Imp has done recently is run, run, run, not only for its life but for the lives of everyone around him. There's no one in sight in the golden castle, which is the oddest thing, given the enormous amount of golden knights on duty at all times. It finally hears voices coming from a near bedroom - Abigoat's - and stops cold on its tracks, hoping to find Joshooa there. Instead, we're shown King Midass reading to his little girl from a story compilation. "And that's how Maleficunt put Sleeping Booty to sleep," the rightful King says. "That's so cold-hearted," Abby comments, "I mean, I feel bad for her, but why stoop so low? Hard to believe this actually happened..." "Where is His Majesty?!" the Imp demands to know, catching its breath. "Imp!" Abby is happy to see him, "Where have you been all day long?" "Please!" the Imp begs, "I need to speak with him, NOW!" "He's in the throne room, I think," Midass answers. The Imp rushes off, much too fast to hear Abby asking it to come back afterwards and play with her. Running, running, running. The throne room isn't too far off now. And the next sound heard is that of a constant thumping. The Imp notices the Mini-Imp playing by itself in the halls, again, with the usual little red rubber ball. The Mini-Imp's face lights up upon seeing its big brother, but the Imp immediately tells it, "I can't stop to play!!" It continues dashing off, leaving the Mini-Imp with a sad look on its tiny face. The red ball rolls away.
"Sir!!" the Imp finally makes it to the throne room, and there he is: the Evil Queer stands before the table over which we last saw him - the real, contemporary him. Words cannot express the sheer relief the Imp feels when faced with the sight of its master, alive and well. "Imp," the Queer acknowledges its presence, "Finally. Where have you been?" His words are devoid of any actual tone. He turns to the golden knight keeping watch over him and demands that he bring him Merkin. "Oh my God, Sir, thank God!" The Imp falls to its knees - yet again - grabbing the King's garbs, expressing the utmost happiness for seeing him again. "It was so awful, Sir, it was awful, the feeling of losing you..." The Queer shakes off the garb from its hands and nearly kicks the Imp away. "What the hell are you going on about?" "I, I saw it, Sir, I saw everything..." "Nevermind," the Queer sighs, "I don't actually care." "Sir, you don't understand!" the Imp calls for its attention as the Queer turns around, his back facing it, "I saw what would happen!! You must stop what you're doing right now, you have to give up the Dark Cur-" An indescribable sound, impassible of being represented with any onomatopœia, worms its way out of the Imp's mouth when King Joshooa stabs it in the gut.
"...Sir.."
Their eyes meet. Josh trembles a bit. But his hand still grabs the knife with steadiness, upholding a stern composure. The Imp's eyes well up and the pain is doubled in intensity when the Queer pulls the knife out with a quick move of his right arm. The Imp drops to the floor like a rock, and turns around on its back, hands over its stomach. No blood comes out, just a brown liquid. The Queer cleans the knife with its cape, not acknowledging the odor. "Why...?" the Imp asks, with what little strength it has. "I'm sorry," the Queer tells his loyal minion, not really meaning or feeling it, "But I needed to do this. The curse, it... it requires a sacrifice. I have to kill someone of my own flesh and blood in order to cast it. I couldn't possibly do that to my father or sister, so I thought... the Imp." The mentioned creature squirms with pain on the floor, below its idol, who continues to explain the horrid act he just committed, still trying his best to maintain a firm attitude. "You were made from my feces. You have my DNA in you. I figured, I could bypass the terms of the curse. The Dark One does it all the time, he always finds a loophole. You are my loophole, Imp." The Imp starts to couch out the same liquid that was pouring out of its gut. "Your Majesty..." "I'm sure you understand why I had to do this," the Queer continues, his eyes not actually meeting his victim's. "You didn't have t-to do it," the Imp tells him, "To betray me like t-this, I... I would have gladly laid down my life for you." The Queer finally looks the Imp in the eyes, as the creature goes on to say: "All I want... all I ever wanted... was for you to be happy, Sir. I would do anything to make you happy..." And now, the pain really strikes hard. Not on the dying Imp. On its killer. Tears form in Josh's eyes, as the façade is broken through. "But this won't..." the Imp concludes, "It... it won't." The last breath is drawn. The creature lies motionless on the floor, bathed in the brown fluid that served as its blood. And the Queer resumes trembling. The tears stream down his face. It should have been easy, he thinks to himself. He witnesses executions every single week. Of course, those are carried out by his knights. This... this felt too personal. Joshooa wipes his tears away and kneels down beside the Imp. "I'm sorry..." he says. This time, he means it. And then the King puts his hands over the Imp's eyes, and closes them. And mourns him.
"King Joshooa?" the voice of Merkin calls out to the Queer, who gets back up on his feet and wishes he knew a spell to mask the red eyes and swollen cheeks. "You called for me?" the sorcerer asks, having been brought to the royal's presence by the golden knight, handcuffs still around his wrists. The Queer puts on a rough demeanor yet again, and addresses the wizard. "Yes. I've done it. I killed someone with my DNA. I'm all set to cast the curse." Merkin is horrified as he concludes that the Queer must have either murdered his father or his sister. He'd hoped the idea would give the villain some pause, but alas, there they were. "I'm... I'm sorry to hear that, obviously." All hope is lost for the magician. "I'm going to need the body," he says. The Queer points at the Imp, and Merkin is beyond confused. "Sir..." he's almost too afraid to say anything, whilst still feeling a tiny bit of relief, "This won't do... I'm sorry, but the curse's scroll is very specific, you need to murder a relative. The Imp was... made from magic. The DNA might be there, but the Imp isn't your own flesh and blood." The Queer's eyes widen some as he realizes what just happened: he killed his unwaveringly loyal lackey for nothing. "No, I refuse to accept that! Try it! Use the Imp, try it, I demand of you!!" "Sir, you don't understand! Why do you think so much magic works on blood?! Blood is life! The Imp doesn't even bleed, the strong, dark magicks that make up the curse would need to come in contact with actual blood and actual flesh! The Imp's body would just decompose immediately and the curse would be a dud." The Queer turns around, despaired. "Take him away..." he asks of the guard, who escorts Merkin back to the dungeon. The Queer closes his eyes and tilts his head up, and takes in a deep sigh. It didn't work. All for nothing. And the horrible decision remains. Who to kill... He then proceeds to leave the room, as a sharp pain shoots through his stomach. He refuses to look down at the Imp as he leaves.
Out on the halls, he walks alone, clutching his belly, feeling dazed, as though his life strength is evaporating. He literally feels sick. The thumping of the ball can be heard again, and the Mini-Imp soon turns a corner, still playing by itself. Seeing it is almost like seeing a ghost for Joshooa, who gasps with terror, before realizing, all in the span of a mere second, that it's not his murder victim, but rather the miniature version. The Mini-Imp smiles at the Queer, as though it's suggesting that they play together. Josh has to muster up the courage to talk to it. To tell it... something. Anything. "You... you should go." The Mini-Imp looks confused. "Your, your friend... your brother... he's not coming back." Further confusion, mixed with some sadness. "I'm sorry," Josh fights back the tears, "He's not coming back again. You should go. You shouldn't wait for him." This said, Josh passes by the small creature, who holds the ball close to its chest, arms wrapped around it.
"...The end," Midass is heard saying. He closes the book, which reads Best of Mother Deuce's Tales on the cover. "Our land is so rich with history," Abigoat comments, the both of them still sitting on her bed, in the pink bedroom that was maintained all those years that she was cursed. "I shall send out a guard to visit Bellend's library and get us the second volume," Midass promises, to the little girl's delight, as he caresses her golden hair, with his gloves always on, of course. Joshooa makes himself appear at the entrance to the bedroom, a blank look on his red face. "Josh?" Abby notices him, "Is it time for tea already?" The current reigning King doesn't say anything. His mouth opens, but he doesn't know what to say. "Josh?..." Midass' look turns to one of concern, of instinctive parental protection, when he notices his son's sorrowful look. Josh approaches them, hand still on his stomach, and drops to his knees before them. "I'm sorry..." His eyes start to pour. He rests his head over both their laps, arms branching out around them. "I am so sorry..." The so-called Evil Queer sobs, accompanied by his remaining family but alone in his agonizing dilemma. His father and his sister exchange a look of confusion and concern. Midass removes his son's crown and strokes his hair. Abigoat caresses her brother's face. And Joshooa cries out his frustration, feeling cursed himself.
Unanswered Questions[edit | edit source]
- Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?
What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse?- What is Blow's history with red apples?
- How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world?
- Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom?
- How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?
- Why does Rumple want Ali's firstborn?
- Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart? Does he really not have one?
- What quest did the Boob Fairy and Rumple go on?
- How and when did Slutty Red become a werewolf?
- How did Gabrielle Charming die?
- How did Ali's father steal Rumple's family? Why does Rumple want to darken Ali's heart?
- Who killed Anitta Red? Was the Hunterer involved in her murder?
- Why was Rena sentenced to court-mandated therapy?
- What happened to Willy?
- What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena? Why did he freak out upon reading it?
- How did Rumple acquire the curse? Where does it come from?
- Who took Captain Hooker's hand?
- How did Queen Damodyke end up in Wonderbraland as its ruler?