Twosome of Cuteness
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DeviousPeep - Blow White*
Jdg98 - Pornocchio
Primadonna Girl - Cinderali*
Renaboss - Rena Charming
Rockaboss - Big Bad Dog
Villain fan - Rumpleforeskin
*Absent from the episode.
"Twosome of Cuteness" is the 9th episode of Once Upon a Penis.
Summary[edit | edit source]
Rena, Dog and Porn are brought together by imminent danger when the Queer calls upon a ruthless pair of assassins to take down the Savior and his friends.
Plot[edit | edit source]
[edit | edit source]
"Look, Girdle... it's amazing!" Handjob can hardly believe his eyes. The sight before them is just... No words can describe it. The two young siblings, who look so much like one another, with their black hair and brown eyes, make it to the gingerbread house lost in the woods, at night. Its image is absolutely alluring, especially to young children, obviously. The windows are made of gelatin. The front door and the window shutters are all made of chocolate. The pillars are candy canes, the picket fence is made up of several licorice strings attached together, the bushes in the garden give lollipops and gumdrops and the roof of the house has the shape of buttercream frosting. A real treat to the eyes, a mouth-watering treasure. Girdle, the oldest by just one year, is also delighted, but is soon reminded of the house's ill repute. "We shouldn't go in, Handjob," she warns her brother, "That is the home of the Blind Bitch. Rumor has it many children have entered her home, and none have gotten out." "That's a rural legend, Girdle," Handjob, as positive as ever, tells her, "There is no way an old lady could live in a candy house and be evil. If she was evil she'd live in a broccoli house." Girdle has to smile at his innocent foolishness, but she is still unwilling to enter. "Girdle, we're lost in the woods. Father has abandoned us, probably following orders from his wretched new wife. The breadcrumbs we've spread in the woods to find our way home have been eaten by the birds. We will be done for if we don't eat, or find a place to stay. Let's take our chances." "What if she kills us?" Girdle asks, frightened. "What if she doesn't?" "Handjob, I don't know... I'm the oldest, and the wisest, and I think we'd be fools to walk into that house." "Then let's not walk in," he suggests, "Let's just grab something from the garden and go." Girdle caves in, and nods. The two hold hands as they walk up to the property, and then let go as they jump over the licorice picket fence. Girdle starts to lick a lollipop on a bush right away, and is amazed at how good it tastes. Handjob, ever the curious one, walks up to the house and peeks inside, through a gelatin window. "Girdle, there's no one there," he says. "What?" "The lights are off, all through the house." "It's nighttime, maybe she's asleep." "What kind of evil witch sleeps at night?" Handjob wonders, having read a lot about witches in his storybooks, "I don't think she's there. Doesn't look like anyone's been living here in a while." The young boy makes it to the front step, and Girdle rushes to get him to stop, asking him what he's doing. "She's not here," he repeats. He turns the lollipop knob and Girdle gets a shiver as the big chocolate door opens with a creak. Darkness before them, and nothing else. Handjob walks in and lights a candle. Girdle follows after him, fearful. Handjob realizes the candle is made of wax candy. There is a mound of cupcakes on the kitchen table. "Where could she be?" Girdle wonders, speaking softly. As Handjob walks around the kitchen, approaching the big oven, his feet hit the pile of bones on the floor. Children bones. "Oh my God..." he says. Girdle sees them too and lets out a muffled scream. She brings her hands to her mouth instinctively, and Handjob shushes her. There is a cage with a busted lock near the bones, next to the oven. Then his eyes notice something else on the floor. "Girdle, look!" He points at the body of the Blind Bitch, lying motionless on the floor, the skin deteriorating. The smell of the cadaver had thus far been masked by the delicious odors emanating from the many pieces of candy that make for structural pieces of the house. But now the stench is noticeable. "She's dead," he says, "She died alone in her own home. Bitch. Probably choked on a kid's bone." "Wow..." Girdle lets out. "Girdle, do you realize what this means? We can live here. We can live here and be fed forever. In the morning we'll bury her and all the bones and make this our new home." Girdle smiles at the idea. "This house is so much bigger than our old one," she says. "Bigger? Woman, who cares about its size, it's made of fricking candy!" When he says this, he sounds just like their father did sometimes, and Girdle is forced to chuckle. "I'm gonna look upstairs!" she says, sounding excited. She rushes up the steps to take a look at the first floor. She takes a lit candle with her, and notices there's two bedrooms. She opens the door to one of them, and knows right away that it's the Blind Bitch's old bedroom, for there is a large, ritualistic red star drawn on the floor in front of the bed, and children's bones hanging from the walls as decoration. She then peeks through the other door and sees it's a child's bedroom, so she deduces it's where the witch would keep the children that wandered in before killing them. As she turns away from the bedroom, she doesn't notice the beautiful blue eyes watching her from behind the chocolate door.
Downstairs, Handjob places his candle down on the kitchen table and reaches for one of the cupcakes on the cake pedestal over it. Macaroons can be found on a plate nearby. Handjob bites into the raspberry cupcake he's picked out, and closes his eyes to truly savor it. So moist. So delicious. The witch must have been dead for a while now, but her magic remains in the tasty treats found all through her house. Footsteps are heard behind him. "Girdle?" he asks. When he turns around, his throat is slit so quickly he isn't even given the opportunity to yell. The blood splatters from the cut to the floor, and Handjob turns quickly to face the table again, not out of will or instinct, just as a corporal reflex, and the blood spills from his sliced throat onto the pile of cupcakes on the table. He falls to the floor, dead, hands around his leaking neck. The young blond boy, who is the same age, puts his bloody knife down on the table and reaches for the bloody cupcake Handjob had been eating. He bites into it, and savors the tasty treat, complete with his favorite topping. He then notices the blood stains on his outfit, and becomes mildly upset. Those were the only clothes they had crossed over with, the ones they were wearing. He and his sister had to make new clothes from scratch, and finding the materials in this strange new land wasn't easy. He wonders if the stains could be washed off. Girdle comes downstairs, excitedly. "Handjob, there's two bedrooms, so we can each get one. I'll get the witch's bedroom cos it's the biggest and I'm the eldest, but we'll need to get it cleaned and..." She stops with surprise when she is faced with the strange blond boy, who has the most captivating blue eyes she's ever seen. "Um... who are you?" she asks. Then she notices her brother lying on the floor. "Handjob?!" She rushes down to aid him, and is promptly kicked in the face by the mysterious boy. Someone else comes down the stairs. A beautiful blonde girl, with crystalline blue eyes as well. Girdle's age. Girdle brings her hand to her wounded face and asks who they are, frightened. She notices her brother's throat is slit and cries horrors. The blonde girl asks her brother if new kids have wandered in. The brother answers positively. In another world, the language they speak would be perceived as German. For the sake of convenience, their dialogue shall be presented in English in this narrative. "Light up the oven," the boy says. The blonde girl does just this, starting a fire, as Girdle weeps over her dead little brother. "Did you do this?!" Girdle asks the young boy standing above her, "Did you kill my brother?!" The girl by the oven pulls Girdle by the hair and she screams. She is torn apart from her sibling, and the other boy puts his hand around her neck, saying, "You're fattened up just right." The two siblings push Girdle into the oven and close the door, sealing her fate. The young girl screams in horrifying agony as she is burned alive. The two golden-haired siblings watch with delight, as the boy keeps eating his bloodied cupcake. "We really need to throw the old woman out, she's starting to reek," the boy says. "Sure. But first things first," the girl says, "We received a convocation from the Evil Queer." The boy's face conveys disgust: "That filthy faggot... Can we kill him?" "Absolutely," the girl answers, with a smile, "But first let's see what he wants from us." "Fine, Greta," he says, "But let me bring my favorite gun." "Sure, Hans. Like you would ever go anywhere without it." The boy moves to get an M1911A1 pistol from a drawer nearby, and puts it in his backpocket. "Let's go then," his sister tells him. They hold hands and walk out of the gingerbread house. The full moon, in its last night for the while, glistens over them, and really makes the red silky swastikas they have embroidered on their sleeves shine.
ONCE UPON A PENIS
Act I[edit | edit source]
Slurrrrrrrp is the sound heard coming from the Evil Queer, who sits in a lounging area of the golden castle, drinking from a small cup of tea. Waiting on him is the Fucksman, holding a tray of numerous hors-d'œuvres, and across from him sit none other than Hans and Greta, who munch down on a couple of crab cakes. "So," the Queer starts, but is interrupted by a loud belch from Hans; Greta giggles. His Majesty does not appreciate this, though he tries once more; he mentions how he called the two there for a specific reason. "Oh, I'm certain we know," Greta replies, "You must have heard of our... reputation." The Queer confirms this, stating that he wanted the best for a job he needs doing, and he believes the two of them are perfect. "In all due respect, your Highness, flattery will get you nowhere. If you are in need of our services then you must know that it will come with a cost." The Queer smiles, stating that he intends to pay them with all the gold they desire, and more. This pleases Greta, but she insists that she talk this over with Hans first, for due to his lack of knowledge of the English language, this may take a moment. The Queer nods, motioning her to do just that, and so she does. In German, she tells her brother what the Queer is asking of them, and the price he is willing to pay. Hans asks if they know who it is they will be going after, and Greta replies by asking if it really matters. Hans shrugs his shoulders, and agrees to take the Queer up on his offer, though he does have one request: "After the deed is done and we've been rewarded, let's off that faggot and take this kingdom for all it's worth," he says in his native tongue. Greta smiles at this, liking the idea, and she turns back to the Queer, who is completely oblivious to all that's being said. "Have we come to an agreement yet?" his Majesty asks, to which Greta replies they have. The three nod, and the Queer shakes hands with the two assassins. Greta proceeds to ask for the name of the one she and her brother are to go after, and the Queer replies: "Rena Charming... and anyone else who may stand in your way."
Bernburg, Germany, Our World
July 1942
Hans Strauss, looking slightly younger than he does nowadays in the Embiggened Forest, is seen admiring his older sister as she welds something, protective mask over her pretty face. He is in absolute awe of her. Once she is done, they test the resilience of the door to the chamber she was welding next to the hinges. "It's perfect," she says, in German, as usual. "Shut me inside," he suggests, "Let's see if I can get out." Said and done, he gets inside the tiny closet-like chamber that the two siblings built from scratch in their attic, and she locks him inside. He tries to get out, but is unable to. He kicks and punches the door repeatedly, trapped in the darkness, and Greta giggles from the outside. "Well?" Nothing happens. She opens the door to let her brother out. "I couldn't do anything to get out," he says, "It's good, Greta. We did good. Papa is gonna be so proud." They call for their father, and Jäger Strauss makes himself appear, in the attic of the family house, bringing with him a tray with snacks for his children. "What's wrong, my little flowers?" he wonders, "What's with the commotion?" "Papa, look what we've done," Greta boasts, "We've built our own chamber!" Jäger puts down the tray on a small table, and admires the work his young children have done. "Is this what you've been doing all this time, locked in the attic?" They smile with glee. He notices the vents on the side walls, and is perplexed by them, immensely proud of his offspring. "You really have learned something from your old man..." He caresses Greta's shiny blonde hair as they all smile with pride, "My pretty little flowers..." "We watch everything you do closely," Hans says; "And we take notes," Greta adds. Jäger gets down on his knees to hug his son and daughter. "Papa couldn't be more proud of you." He gets back up, and urges them to eat the sandwiches he's prepared. "You're gonna need all your strength if you wanna keep building wonders like this. You're far more talented than any of my incompetent workers. What do you say of helping papa around his workshop?" A glimmer shows in the eyes of the children. "You know," their father continues, "The big boss himself has put in a new order. He might even be coming to visit soon." The children squeal with joy and excitement.
The Dog is seen leading Rena through the woods that surround the blue palace, taking him on a minor hunting trip. Rena recounts that his father used to take him out on hunting trips to try and make a "man" out of him. The Dog comments that he seems like a cool dad, and Rena denies just this, stating that he was the polar opposite of that. The Dog notices the frustration and masked anger in Rena's tone and tries to change the subject, which is particularly easy when he notices a strange odor in the air. "I smell something..." he says, as he starts sniffing around whilst walking in the direction of the smell's source. "It's a familiar smell," he comments. Rena asks if it's deer, or hares perhaps, and the Dog says it's unlike any animal he's ever smelled, yet oddly alluring. He braves through the bushes and gets to the source of the odor: the Hunterer, who is standing alone in the woods picking wax out of his ears. "Hunt?" "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" he says, waving awkwardly. Rena chuckles and asks if he was just picking up on Hunt's natural scent, and the Dog, still unable to make out what the odor is, approaches the Hunterer and asks him to open his mouth. The retard does, and the Dog cringes at the stench coming from it, that had been infecting the air. "Hunt, what the hell have you been eating?" "Um, let me think... a bandit animal I found on the road that was deaded by a carriage..." "A raccoon?" "And that moisture from my willy." Rena looks disgusted. "Your smegma... You ate your smegma." The Dog sighs, and moves on by telling Hunt that he's taking Rena hunting, and asks if he'd like to help them. Rena scoffs at this, blatantly asking the Dog if he's feeling alright, wondering what help Hunt could be of. "His name is Hunter...er. He hunts animals for a living." "I thought he chopped wood for a living." "I am also a shredded cheese therapist," Hunt adds. "I care not to even find out what that entails," Rena answers, "Dog, let's just keep moving, ok?" The Dog starts to respond that Hunt is his friend, but they are interrupted by the sound of someone crying. Their attention caught, the three head in the direction of the sobbing, and find Greta Strauss weeping in the woods. Rena moves closer towards her and asks what's wrong. Greta starts telling him, in fragmented English with a thick accent that reminds him of the German people from his world, that she and her brother can't find their way home, they're lost out in the woods and have even found a place to stay, but they miss their parents terribly. The Dog says they'll help, and Greta smiles. Rena asks where her brother is, and Greta explains that she left him in the house they stumbled upon; she told him that morning that she was gonna go out and keep looking for their parents, but she can't and is beginning to give into despair. The Dog tells her to lead them to her brother, which she does, and all four start walking together, with Greta leading the way. "What's your name?" Rena wonders. "Greta. My brother is Hans." Rena finds this curious, and rather familiar. "Where do your parents live?" the Dog asks, and the young girl claims not to remember the name of the village, which both heroes find odd. Hunt just eats his ear wax along the way. When Greta takes them to the clearing in the woods where the gingerbread house stands, her three new travelling companions gasp and widen their eyes. The Dog is horrified by the sight of the house, which awakens something in him. He hadn't taken notice of where they were headed. Rena marvels at the sight of a house made out of gingerbread and candy, looking almost like the one pictured in his fairytale book. "Hans... Greta... oh my God, this is amazing," he says. Hunt squeals with glee and pulls a piece of licorice fence from the ground, and eats away at the part that has grass bits on it. Greta tells them her brother's waiting inside, but Rena stops her, asking if there isn't an old woman inside. Greta looks at him curiously, and Rena says there's supposed to be an old lady who lures children into that house and eats them. The Dog says that this is true, but that the woman, despite being very old, doesn't actually look old. "They call her the Blind Bitch," he says. "Of course they do," Rena comments. "We've never come across her," Greta tells them, "The house was empty when we found it." Both heroes find this odd, and follow the girl inside, to meet her brother.
In flashback, Hans Strauss studies his father's manuals copiously, lying on his stomach on the floor of the attic where he and his sister spend their afternoons. They call it their little garden. He fails to understand something in the manual he's reading at the moment, so he rushes up and runs downstairs to ask his sister what the passage in the text means. He enters Greta's bedroom and finds her toweling off after her shower. He notices her body's different... "Greta?" he calls. She wraps the towel around her again, out of instinct, when she sees her younger brother - by just one year - standing at the entrance to the bedroom, a book in tow, gazing at her nude body. "What are you doing here?!" she asks, shouting. He is startled, taken aback. "I just, I wanted to ask you something..." "Get out! NOW!!" She demands, ashamed, embarrassed over the fact that he's seen her naked. Hans dashes away, confused; he had seen his sister naked many times before, they had taken many baths together. It hadn't happened in a while, however, and he could now tell that her body looked different... Bigger and rounder in some areas, hair where there was no hair before. He makes it back to the attic, and sits down on the floor, feeling nervous and awkward. And he notices a growth in his bulge that he can't quite explain...
The Dog gets a chill as he stands in the gingerbread house, having been there before and not enjoyed the experience. Rena himself also looks a tad nervous, expecting a witch to pop up at any given time. He also notices how much like one another the two siblings are, with their shiny blond hair and the sparkly blue eyes, rosy red cheeks and wholesome overall look. A veritable twosome of cuteness. His attention is drawn, however, to the jackets of the children hanging over the backs of two chairs, with swastikas embroidered on their sleeves. The Dog asks Hans if he's alright, but the kid just gives him an empty look. "He doesn't speak English," Greta says, which stumps the Dog, who didn't actually consider that the children came from a different country altogether. Hunt starts eating away at the muffins on the table, and the Dog begs him to be cautious, because eating anything inside that house might have disastrous results... and then he notices Rena stuffing his face with a chocolate doorknob. "Really?" the Dog says, bemused. "What?" Rena asks, chocolate all around his lips. Hans and Greta speak to each other in German, and no one can understand what they're saying, but Rena can make out what the language is, despite not actually knowing what is being said. Hunt is having the time of his life as he starts ripping out the chocolate boards that make the kitchen table and chomping on them, but the good time comes to an abrupt end when Hans suddenly takes out his pistol and aims it at the Dog, who looks confused. "What the hell is that?" he wonders. An alarmed Rena rushes forward and pushes the Dog away just as the first bullet is fired. Both heroes fall to the floor and the bullet pierces through the front door. "RUN!!!" Rena screams, and they get up quickly, throwing a chocolate chair against the children, grabbing Hunt by the arm and dashing out through the front garden, jumping over the licorice fence and getting away, as fast as possible. Hans comes out, shooting at them, but Greta eventually stops him, telling him to save his bullets. "We'll get them," she tells him, "We'll get them all." Hans looks frustrated.
Act II[edit | edit source]
In flashback, two Jewish children, a boy and a girl, are seen exiting the Franzschule in Bernburg, talking and frolicking with each other, when they notice a candy bar in the middle of the street. The girl rushes to pick it up and the boy is sad that he doesn't get to have one. She tells him they can share and he smiles, but then he notices another candy bar further ahead and points out that they won't have to; he rushes to pick it up, and they are delighted to see even more candy bars, forming a sort of trail, leading into an alley nearby. They follow the trail and pick up each piece of candy as they go together, and once they turn the corner they are violently hit over the heads.
Soon enough, the boy and girl start to slowly regain consciousness as they are dragged by Hans and Greta into the small chamber they built in the attic, up the stairs in their house. Greta gets the girl, Hans tends to the boy, and when the two young Jews try to get up, they are hit over the heads again. This time the impact isn't as big and they don't get knocked out, and soon, with some struggle on both sides, from the captors and the captive, the two are placed inside the chamber. Greta locks them in. "Are you ready?" Hans asks. From inside the compartment, muffled screams and bangs on the door are heard. Greta nods. She takes a can containing Zyklon B and drops it into the compartment through one of the vents, and then seals it shut. Coughing is soon heard, lowly, coming from inside the chamber. Hans and Greta hold hands and smile with sheer pride as their little experiment proves fruitful.
Hans and Greta chase after our heroes through the woods, pistols in tow. "I can't believe we let them get away," Hans complains, in German, disappointed in himself. "We should have just gone right after them rather than lure them to our house. What was the point of that anyway? Took forever to get rid of all those corpses and bones." "We'll make up for that," Greta reassures him, "It's not hard to follow in their tracks in these woods. Just look out for stepped-on grass and branches and anything else." She starts to feel a pain in her stomach that stumps her. As she stops and brings her hand to her stomach, Hans asks her what's wrong, and whether she was hit by something. He then instinctively holds his gun up, skimming around him for their enemies, thinking they might have shot his sister, but Greta claims that she wasn't, she just has a stomach ache. Hans still keeps looking around, to make sure they're not in danger of retaliation, and Greta brings her right hand to her lower region and notices the blood that's showing up, unannounced and seemingly unprovoked. She dashes away, befuddling Hans. "What is wrong?" he asks, as he starts to follow after her, but she just screams at him to stay away from her. Hans stops and looks confused and worried.
"Rumpleforeskin!! RUMPLEFORESKIN!!" Rena shouts, as much and as loud as he can, for the Dark One to show up and come to his aid. He knows this is risky, for the assassin children might hear and find him, but he hopes Rumple will be of assistance with the crisis at hand. "I know you can hear me, you leathery son of a bitch, I'm not gonna do some stupid ritual to get you to come here, so show your sorry ass!!" A cloud of grey smoke appears out of nowhere and Rumpleforeskin makes himself visible. "Bit of an attitude problem you have there," he tells the Savior in his typical high-pitched voice, and Rena explains to him that he and his friends, who have all split up for better chances at survival, are being chased by a couple of child assassins with pistols, weapons that exist only in his world. "Oh. Those two," Rumple says, "Yeah, my bad." Rena is confused. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? You know them?" "Let's just say that, before I got you to cross over, I accidentally brought in some other people. Wrong coordinates, you know? You're gonna get a few flat or burned cakes before you bake one to perfection." "You brought them over from my world?" Rena says, "With motherfucking guns?!" "I half-assed it, okay? I thought I had it handled and missed it by a long, long hair. Oops." "Oops?! They wanna kill us!!" Rena spits out, frustrated. "Yes, they're quite the pair of rapscallions. Slaughtered an entire village just a few weeks ago. Something about their overall look not meeting their standards. Boy, do they have a problem with dark-skinned people. Oh, maybe that's why they want you. Or the Queer unleashed them on you, who knows?" "You should," Rena says, "Aren't you supposed to, like, know everything?!" "I'm not God, I only look into the things that interest me." Rena tries to reason with the Dark One, despite being frustrated as hell at the moment. "Well, they are after me. Me. The person you actually intended to bring over. To break the curse. If they kill me, you're not gonna get what you want, so, help me out?" "Nah," Rumple says, nonchalantly. "Why the hell not?!" "It isn't worth my time," he says, "Like I said, I look into the things that interest me, past, present and future. I know you will break the curse. However that happens doesn't interest me, and whatever other things go down on your journey to get there, well, I can't be arsed with them. You'll take care of these kids, I know you will. Just leave me out of it, I have to watch my programs on the MV. Whorora is guest-judging Embiggened Forest's Next Top Mofo tonight and you just know she's gonna be drunk all through it." Rena turns red with anger. "What the hell is wrong with you?! You're supposed to be my mentor, my protector, I'm asking you for help with a pretty serious thing and you're turning me down!!" "And why do you turn down my mentoring?!" Rumple asks, feigning anger, "Why do you ignore and neglect my advice?" Rena wonders what he means, to which Rumple says that he knows he used the condom he'd given him as a weapon to make love to Cinderali... and then threw it away after using it. Rena's eyes widen at the revelation that the Dark One knows this. "...You saw our love-making?" "Well I don't have the channel for that stuff on my MV, it costs extra!" "You fucking pervert!!" "You wasted the powerful weapon I gave you!" Rumple vents, "You damned fool, you could have killed her!" "It just..." Rena tries to explain himself, "It looked like a harmless little condom and I needed one and..." "So you seem to have it all figured out, then," Rumple interrupts him, "You'll do what you wanna do with little to no regard for what anyone else tells you. So where that leads to is, you're on your own. Good luck with the runts." This said, Rumple vanishes again in a flurry of smoke, and Rena is once more left in despair and fear.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Hans asks his sister as they resume their search through the woods, after returning from the gingerbread house. She nods affirmatively, and he asks her why she needed a change of clothes, forcing her to wear some pants she had previously made from sewn leaves, since they only came over from their land with the clothes on them at the time of their transportation, which they wear for most of the time. She answers that she simply got her other pants dirty, and comments that, no matter what job they're tending to, they always have to make sure they look their best, which is what their mother taught them. Hans nods, and they soon find the Hunterer scratching his butt against the trunk of a tree. They hold up their guns, preparing to shoot at him, but they are surprised when the man turns to them, waves and greets them with his characteristic "Hiiiiiiiiiii!" They lower their guns. "You're the kids from the candy house! Can you take me back there? I was eating a chocolate something but then I had to run and I don't remember why and I'd like to go back to eating the something chocolate please." The siblings smile at one another and Greta tells him, in English, "Sure. We'll take you there." Hans tells her in german that they should just shoot him, and she reminds him that they need to spare their bullets because they will soon run out of them and they haven't exactly figured out how to make new ammo yet. "Besides, we've been meaning to try out what we've set up in the basement," she tells him, with a wicked smile. Hans smiles back, and waves at the Hunterer to follow them back to the gingerbread house, which he does.
Another flashback ensues, and Hans and Greta Strauss are given a grand tour of the Bernburg Euthanasia Center, along with their father, by one of the people working there, who assures them things are going smoothly. The man takes the opportunity to thank Jäger for all his hard work on the gas chambers, and tells their first-time visitors, the young siblings, that the "big boss" is quite happy with the work their father has done... and that he is visiting that day as well. Hans and Greta almost squeal with joy. This said, just around the corner, a medium-sized, dark-haired man in a military uniform shows up, followed by some men in similar outfits, and stops in front of the Strauss family and their guide, who introduces them, explicitly stating that Jäger and his workers have contributed greatly to the gas chambers of the institute. The authority figure compliments his work, and then turns his attention to the children, who are almost paralyzed with respect and admiration. "And I have heard impressive things about these two little prodigies here," the man says, "You two take after your father, it seems. Is it true you've worked on similar projects of your own?" Hans and Greta nod, unable to utter a word. The man rubs Hans' head and commends them for that, saying they are the future of their proud nation, maybe even fit to one day follow in his footsteps. He even gives Greta particular praise, since she is a girl so adept at such hard work, which surprises and amuses him. "You just keep making your father and your country proud," the man says. They nod again. Jäger smiles with pride, and the man with the funny-looking moustache excuses himself, saying he has further business to tend to. He leaves, and everyone salutes him in unison, extending their right arms in the air with straightened hands and saying a phrase that requires no translation: "Heil Hitler!!"
The Dog dashes through the woods, on four legs, running as fast as he can as he tries to make his way back to the blue palace, frightened for his life. The mere fact that he had been to the gingerbread house again was enough to shake his core, but the addition of killer children with unknown weapons and motives on top of that was overwhelming. He runs like the wind, barely actually paying attention where he's going, and suddenly bumps into something hard as he comes out from behind a bush. The Dog and the thing go tumbling down and the white animal is stopped cold on his track, nose hurt. "What the fuck, man?! Watch where you're going!!" The thing turns out to be Pornocchio; the Dog ran into the wooden boy. They're surprised to see each other again like that, and Porn is alarmed by the Dog's panting, and asks what's going on. The Dog quickly explains, mumbling up his words, that they are being chased by dangerous children and had to split up. "Who's we?" "Me, Rena, Hunt. T-the girl took us to the gingerbread house, where everyone knows the Blind Bitch lives, a-and they pulled out some weird weapon on us, I think Rena knows what it was, those crazy bastards wanna kill us!" Porn is more confused than frightened, but then recounts hearing something about an entire village population being slaughtered by what seemed to be just two kids. "They found weird... metallic thingies inside the bodies of the victims, round-tipped small cylinders." "I think that's what they shot at me," the Dog says. "Oh my God, are you okay?" Porn asks, noticing the remnant of the wound on the Dog's shoulder. The latter realizes what Porn is looking at, and says he is, they missed him, the shoulder wound was something else. Porn asks what, and the Dog says he was bit by a werewolf. Porn's eyes widen as he asks, "Just what the hell have you guys been up to since I left for home?!" "Yeah Midass bleeds gold, Hunt won a joust and I'm pretty sure Blow has been eating all the cheese around the palace." "That bitch!" "We don't have time for this," the Dog says, "We have to find Rena and Hunt and make sure they're okay. And we need to stop those kids. I, I was so scared that I was just running and not thinking, but we have to put an end to what they're doing. Or they're just gonna keep slaughtering people, starting with us."
Hans and Greta take the Hunterer back to the gingerbread house, and his mouth soon starts watering again due to the wondrous sight of it all. They walk inside, and Hunt immediately reaches for a cupcake, not noticing the tiny blood droplets tainting it. The two siblings lead him downstairs, into the basement. On the walls are several pentagrams drawn in blood. The steps creak with every stepping foot, and a few candles barely light up the way. Hunt sees the glass chamber in front of him, but doesn't understand what it's for, or take much notice of it altogether. They open the door for him, and Greta tells him to get inside and rest and they'll get him more sweets. "Yaaaaaaay!"
The Dog tracks Rena down with his heightened sense of smell, and Rena is happy and relieved to see him alive and well, and Porn with him. The latter and Rena hug, and the Dog asks if he knows if Hunt got out fine. Rena shakes his head, and goes on to say that he spoke to Rumpleforeskin. "Does he know who those kids are?!" Dog asks, to which the Savior says, "Yeah, pretty much. He brought them here. From my world." Dog and Porn both gasp, as Rena explains what the Dark One said to him. "I did think their clothes and weapons were weird," Dog says. "They had pistols," Rena exclaims, "Old ones, it seemed. I noticed... I noticed the oddest thing as soon as we got inside the house, swastikas on their jackets." "What the hell are those?" the Dog asks, curious, and Rena answers: "It's a symbol, like, often associated with, with these people that existed in my world long before I was born, led by this cruel guy. He wanted to get rid of those whom he felt were... lesser, I don't know. Different. He... I think those kids... I think that they're Nazis."
The Hunterer experiences an agonizing pain, evidenced by his shrieks and the look on his face, of utter despair. And confusion. He doesn't understand what is happening. His eyes pop. His skin starts to turn purple. The sensation within him is similar to the one felt by those suffering a heart attack. He scratches at the glass walls of the chamber he's been locked in, knees on the floor, in a vain attempt to get out and escape the hell he's been lured into. When the oxygen stops reaching his brain, he loses consciousness, his face sliding against the glass, his body lying lifeless on the floor. Hans and Greta watch from the outside. And the boy says, with a blank stare: "Damn retard..."
Act III[edit | edit source]
The three heroes walk together back to the gingerbread house, having made a stop at the blue palace first to get armed up with swords and crossbows. The princesses had offered to help, but the three boys warned them that it could be too dangerous, since they were going up against deadly weapons that they simply couldn't match in that world. Rena looks particularly concerned, and sweat beads start falling down his face. The Dog wonders what he's thinking about, and the Savior answers that he just thought everything would be different: "I thought that... living in some sort of fairytale land, no matter how twisted and perverted it is, would be simpler, the stuff that happy endings are supposed to be made of. But we keep getting faced with perilous tasks and missions and the more I think about it, the more I realize how accurate all of it is, since... even in my world, the olden-timey fairytales, the ones no one dares to read to little kids anymore, are always so gruesome and dark. Lots of blood, lots of death, vengeance and, oftentimes, no happy endings at all. Little Red Riding Hood gets eaten by the wolf, end of story." "I'd like that," the Dog says, "I'd like that a lot." "I keep thinking about what the Dark One said," Rena continues, "He knows that I'm gonna make it through this fight because it's my purpose to defeat the Evil Queer, it's why I was brought over. So, I guess whatever happens I'll be fine, but... I don't know about you guys." He stops and turns to face them. Porn asks him what he's talking about, and Rena answers that he doesn't know what their fates are, and he doesn't wanna keep putting them at risk. "You wanna go alone," the Dog says. "I know I'll make it out alive," Rena points out, "But I can't promise you two the same thing. So... I think you should just head back home, and wait till I get back." Both of his companions shake their heads, indicating they won't leave him alone. Rena repeats his point that he knows he'll be fine, because Rumple can see the future, and Porn points out that maybe the reason why he'll be fine is precisely because he'll have them both looking out for him. Rena sighs, and the Dog agrees with Porn, stating: "The future is a sketchy, uncertain thing, even for someone as powerful as Rumpleforeskin. Maybe Porn is right, the reason why you make it out of this upcoming fight is because we'll be having your back. And even if one or both of us happen to... fall... we'll go down fighting the good fight. So don't even try to insist, we're not budging. All of us are going." Rena smiles and they resume their journey. Then Rena wonders: "Is it the good fight though? I mean, they're kids. Nazi kids, but kids nonetheless." Porn reminds them: "I'm also a kid, so, I guess I can give the first blow." Night starts to fall on the Embiggened Forest. They make it to a trail of white stones that shine under the moonlight. "Motherfuckers..." Rena comments, "Seriously? Like we don't know where they are." They follow the trail anyway. Rena suggests that they go around the back of the house and catch them by surprise if possible, and the Dog comments that there's a doggy door on the door that leads to the backyard they can squeeze through. "How do you know that?" Rena asks, and the Dog gets shaky, stumbling on his words, "I-I, I noticed it where we, when we were there. I'm still a dog, you know? 'Woof' and junk." Rena changes topics right away: "We should disarm them as fast as possible. Trust me, those small weapons they hold can do a lot of damage, so don't even give them the chance. Hopefully, we can disarm them without hurting them and then worry about what we're gonna do with them. Maybe we can rehabilitate those kids, teach them a new way of thinking." Porn then asks: "Can't you just stick your magic penis in them and, like, kill them?" Rena's eyes widen. "What?! No!! Oh my God, I... that's sick, they're kids!!" "It wouldn't be sexual," Porn says, "They're assassins, you're a hero with a magic weapon, it just so happens to be your penis." "He kinda has a point," the Dog says, "I don't want the kids to be hurt either, but if it comes down to us or them and you have to use your penis, you're gonna do it, right?" "NO!! Holy shit, you guys are sick!!" The Dog goes on to say, "Okay, none of us actually want that to happen, you should just be prepared for anything. I know it's weird to use a magic dick on kids, but it's also weird to have killer kids from another world wanting to hunt us down. In fact, everything seems to be extra weird lately and I'm a walking talking motherfucking dog!" Rena gets a chill down his spine and shakes it off, and they just keep walking towards the gingerbread house.
Hans and Greta await the return of the heroes, rather anxiously, counting on them to come back to rescue their friend, oblivious to the fact that he is now dead. They sit at the kitchen table, guns pointing at the front door. Unbeknownst to them, the company they're expecting has gone around the back of the house. The Dog, who was first aware of the doggy door, goes through it first. The back door leads to the living room of the house, which, instead of an MV, features a large crystal ball over a round table, decorated with tiny skulls on its base. The fireplace has no fire in it, and the room is dark. The Dog tries to be as silent as possible. Once he's inside, he signals his friends to come in, so Rena and Porn soon follow after him. They walk on the tips of their toes, but eventually the floorboards under them start to creak. They close their eyes and sigh as a reflex, and then continue walking. When the Dog peaks into the kitchen, he sees no one there... but he feels the cold metal of the pistol pressing against his nose. He leans back quickly just as Hans fires a gunshot. The boy positions himself in front of the heroes, and Porn fires an arrow into his shoulder. Greta shows up from behind her brother, who falls to the floor with pain, but Rena kicks her gun away and then slaps her hard on the cheek. Rena tends to the Dog and Hans quickly shoots at Porn, as payback, and the boy falls to the floor. Rena lets out a horrified scream. He moves to get Greta's gun, but Hans shoots him on the hand, and advances on him. He points his gun at Rena's face, and the Savior starts sweating. Then, the villain is hit over the head with a random child's bone that hadn't been disposed of. Rena is relieved to see Porn standing up over the knocked-out Hans, a bullet hole in his stomach, but otherwise fine. "I'm made of wood, bitch..." Porn says, with contempt. The Dog overpowers Greta quickly, and the heroes then wonder what to do with them. "Did anyone bring any rope?" Porn wonders, and his two friends shake their hands. "Just lock them in the basement," Rena suggests, "In the morning we'll figure out what to do with them." He picks up the unconscious Hans and the Dog leads a grumpy-looking Greta by the arm. They kick the door to the basement open and are horrified by what they see down there... Under the wall sconce's dim light, they see the gas chamber, now devoid of toxic air inside, with the Hunterer lying dead on the floor. The Dog screams "No!" and rushes downstairs, leaving Greta unattended, but Porn quickly grabs a hold of her. The Dog tries to get the door to the chamber open and has a hard time. Rena orders Greta, who sports the most wicked smile on her face, to open it for them, so the little girl is forced to unlock it. The Dog kneels down by his friend and starts to tear up. "Hunt... oh my God, what did they do to you? I'm so sorry... Hunt..." Rena and Porn get emotional. Greta stares blankly at the scene. After a while of sobbing, Rena tells his white-furred friend they should bury the Hunterer respectfully in the woods, and lock the children in that chamber. The Dog nods, wiping his tears... and then he notices something poking out of Hunt's pocket, in his trousers: a tiny piece of red silk. Déjà vu overpowers him. He keeps the piece of cloth to himself as Rena and Porn start picking up the Hunterer's body. Once they get it out of the chamber, they leave the children inside, locking the door just as Hans starts to regain consciousness.
In a flashback, Rumpleforeskin is seen working his mojo to cast a spell and open a portal. He's got bones, stones and feathers near him, a book open on a particular page of interest, and he chants in what appears to be Latin (yep).
Greta finds Hans getting armed in their father's weaponry. "What are you doing?!" she asks, "Father doesn't want us touching his guns!" "I just wanna shoot at some Jews, he won't mind," Hans answers. He hands his sister a gun and she does feel tempted to use it. She caresses it with a twinkle forming in her eyes. Hans puts a large pack of bullets in his backpocket, and suddenly they are startled by a flash of lightning in the room, apparently coming from nowhere.
A portal is soon opened before Rumpleforeskin. Flashes of lightning sparkle before him, and soon enough Hans and Greta Strauss appear over his table, startled, eyes wide. Rumple looks irritated. "Who the fuck are you?!"
"Are you alright?" Greta asks her younger brother as he slowly comes to, and he nods, but when he does his head hurts. He brings his hands to his head and she caresses his cheeks, sadly informing him that they have been defeated and captured. Hans looks frustrated, and angry. She tells him it's okay, they knew it was a possibility. "We still managed to take down a lot of unholy people," she comments, and Hans lets out a hint of a smile at this. "That we did," he says. "You know what happens next," she says. Hans nods again. "But first," he tells her, "I wanted you... to have this." He takes out a purple daisy from his pants' pocket, surprising her. It is now wrinkled and slightly withered, but still manages to hold on to some of the beauty it had in its prime, before being plucked by the young man. "A flower?" she says, surprised at the gift. "I got it after you ran off today. Papa always called us his little flowers. Flowers in the attic. And I remember you saying you wish you could keep an actual flower garden in that attic, where we always spent our afternoons, but papa said there would be no light there to keep them alive. Well, we chose the darkest house in all of this strange land to live in, so we couldn't have flowers here either. And the garden outside only seems to grow candy. But I saw this, and I thought it was beautiful and that you'd like it, and... I don't know, it's stupid. We're in a basement now, ironically, I guess. It's dead now too, but..." "But we like death," she says, smiling. He smiles back and says, "Yeah..." rather lowly. She moves to kiss him on the cheek, softly, sweetly. When she pulls back, slowly, his face moves to match the direction of hers. Their lips meet. And they exchange a tender, confusing yet fulfilling kiss. They break off the kiss and gaze into each other's eyes. It feels very wrong; psychotic though they may be, they know it's wrong. But it feels more right than anything they've ever done. They know each other like no one else does. They get one another. "Why did you run away earlier?" he asks, curious and concerned. She has a hard time answering. "There's just... so much you wouldn't understand, that I don't even understand." He feels the growth in his bulge again, which he could never explain, and tells her he can relate to that.
After finding themselves in such a strange land and being released by the strange creature that brought them over, Hans and Greta wander about in the Embiggened Forest in a flashback, their guns in tow, at nighttime, wondering where they are and what happened to them. They make it to the gingerbread house, with all of its candy decoration, and are immediately reminded of an old german fairytale about two siblings, abandoned in the woods by their parents, who make it to a similar house, where an old witch lives and tries to eat them. They kick the gate of the fence open and walk straight up to the front door, kicking it open as well and barging in like they own the place. The Blind Bitch makes herself appear, as the fire in her fireplace suddenly starts to burn brighter, and she taps her fingers together as she says, "I have company. Excellent." She can sense that they are children thanks to her mystical senses, and immediately uses her magic to make them go flying into the cage she keeps especially for guests near the stove. The door is locked and Hans and Greta quickly recompose themselves, a bit alarmed, but not defeated. The Blind Bitch reaches through the bars on the cage to feel up Hans' finger and see how fat he is, whether he needs to be fattened up to make a better meal. "Oh, you have a fat finger," she says, "And rather cold." Unbeknownst to her, she's feeling the barrel of Hans' M1911A1 pistol. He shoots. The bullet pierces through her chest and she falls dead to the floor. Nonchalantly, Hans then shoots off the lock on the cage and both siblings make it out. Greta reaches for a cupcake and savors it.
"Ready?" she asks. He nods. Their eyes still lost in one another. Then, they lock their right arms. Hans places his pill inside Greta's mouth. She places hers inside her brother's mouth. They have one last deep breath and bite down into the capsules that they were given by their father. The poison acts immediately. Brain death occurs within minutes, and their heartbeats stop shortly after. Once the heroes are done burying their friend, they come back down to the basement to check on their captive villains, and are surprised to find them lying down, motionless, hands held together. They wonder if they might be faking it. Rena gets one of their pistols and unlocks the door. He kicks Hans' other hand and then kneels down to feel the boy's pulse. "He's dead..." he says. He notices the capsules in the children's mouths and deduces that they killed themselves, which reminds him of something... The Dog looks saddened. "My God..." he says, "How could... what happened to these kids? What made them... just..." Rena appears rather relieved. The Dog sits over his feet and looks at the small corpses before him, not knowing how to react. Behind him, on the floor, sit the shards and remains of a ruby-red mirror.
Fluuush is the sound coming from the solid gold toilet of the Queer's castle. Out of His Majesty's personal restroom walks the Evil Queer himself, re-tying his robe as he does so. What he fails to notice, however, is the piece of toilet paper that remains plastered to the bottom of his shoe. No one would dare comment on this of course, for if he was to be humiliated in such a way then someone would be losing their head. As the Queer roams the castle's halls, heading for who knows where, he is met by the Imp. "Your... your Highness," the Imp exclaims in a bit of a saddened, nervous, and frightened tone. "Yes, yes, what is it my feces-made lackey? Oh don't tell me there's been another incident with the prisoners." The Imp shakes his head, and continues to walk alongside his superior, struggling to keep up the pace. "Well then, get on with it, Imp. What is it?!" "The assassins," he exclaims, "They're dead." The Queer immediately stops in his tracks and turns to face the Imp. "What?!" he asks, hoping he heard his lesser wrong. The Imp repeats himself, adding that the heroes got away safe and sound, and that all the assassins managed to do was off the retarded woodcutter. "Your Highness, I am truly sorry for all that has-" but the Queer cuts the Imp off, and grabs him by the throat lifting him into the air, and choking him. As the Imp squirms to break free, let alone breathe, the Queer says to him, "Sigh, it would appear that you've failed me again. Why must you keep doing this? Why must you keep failing me?" The Imp continues to struggle to break free as the Queer continues, "Something needs to be done about this, about the heroes... about you. As of this moment you are annoying me greatly. Every breath you currently draw in my presence is annoying me. I'm now requesting that you leave my presence and do not return without news that will actually satisfy me. Capisce?" The Queer releases the Imp, who proceeds to run away. Meanwhile, his Majesty himself simply takes in a few breaths of air, trying his best to maintain self control, for he is enraged about what he's just been told. And he walks to his chambers with the piece of toilet paper still attached to his shoe.
The three heroes get out of the gingerbread house, as the night around them gets darker. They all look sullen, not knowing what to say, but Porn breaks the silence: "So that happened." The Dog doesn't answer, and Rena tries to justify themselves, saying they didn't actually kill the kids so they can't be held responsible for that, and at least they won't be hurting anyone ever again. The Dog keeps looking at the red silk fragment in his hands as he walks. Rena asks what it is, but he hides it within his closed fist and tells him it doesn't matter. "Well... another mission accomplished, I guess," the Savior lets out, "I wonder what's next." "I worry about what's next..." the Dog says in turn.
"MURDER! TREASON! TREACHERY!" calls out the morbid Granny Fanny as she speaks out to the pitchfork and torch-wielding villagers, "These are the crimes committed by that so-called Big Bad Dog, and they will only continue if he is not brought to justice! Your wives, your children... their safety is at risk, and will be so long as that beast roams free!" The villagers all agree in unison, and Fanny continues, "We must go out! We must fight!" The villagers agree in unison once more, and Fanny watches with a wicked smile on her face as the angry villagers head from their homes, out of the village, now after the Big Bad Dog. "That's it, my dear friends," Granny shouts from after them, "Find him! Kill him! And when you come back... BRING ME HIS HEAD!!"
Unanswered Questions[edit | edit source]
- Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?
- What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse?
- What is Blow's history with red apples?
- What made the Dog change from a regular pet to a personified animal?
- What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena?
- How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world?
- Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom?
- Who killed Anitta Red?
- How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?
- Why does Rumple want Ali's firstborn?
- Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart? Does he really not have one?
- What quest did the Boob Fairy and Rumple go on?
Whom else did Rumple bring over to the Fairy Tale Land?- How and when did Slutty Red become a werewolf?
- How did Abigoat become a golden statue?
- How did Gabrielle Charming die?
- How did Ali's father steal Rumple's family? Why does Rumple want to darken Ali's heart?
- When and why was the Dog ever in the gingerbread house?
- What did the Hunterer have in his pocket that attract