True Love

From Phoenix Productions
Jump to: navigation, search
True Love
[[Image:|250px|center]]
Season
Episode
08
Airdate
June 17, 2015
Running time
{{{length}}}
Production code
{{{pc}}}
Flashback
{{{flashback}}}
Flash-forward
{{{flash-forward}}}
Flash sideways
{{{flash-sideways}}}
Viewers (mil)
{{{viewers}}}
Centric characters
{{{centric}}}
Centric character
Other backstory characters
{{{other}}}
Other backstory character
{{{other1}}}
Day(s)
{{{days}}}
Written & Directed by
Directed by
{{{director}}}
Cast Featured
{{{cast featured}}}
Also Starring
{{{alsostarring}}}
Special Guest Star
{{{specialguest}}}
Co-Starring
{{{costars}}}
Uncredited
{{{uncredited}}}
Archive footage
{{{archive}}}

"True Love" is the 8th episode of Once Upon a Penis.

Summary[edit | edit source]

As Rena Charming continues to practise in order to eventually defeat the Evil Queer, he grows more and more smitten with the lovely Cinderali, who gradually helps to break down his walls. Meanwhile, the Dog has a lot on his bowl with a vicious werewolf hunting him down, and the Boob Fairy is forced to work on the malignant curse. In flashbacks, in a land without magic, Rena realizes that wishes do come true when he meets the woman of his dreams, in true fairytale fashion.

Plot[edit | edit source]

Teaser[edit | edit source]

The full moon continues to illuminate the dark night over the Embiggened Forest, and the blue palace almost twinkles under the moonlight. Inside, every one of our heroes is fast asleep, but one in particular is tossing and turning in his bed, plagued by his dreams, his memories. Recent events have caused Rena Charming to be reminded of his past, of someone in particular. He sweats and calls out her name in his sleep: "Gabby..." He sees her sweet, loving face, smiling at him; he tastes her lips pressing up against his; he feels the coldness in her cheek when he touches her dead body. His eyes shoot open when someone's hand takes a hold of his arm, and he quickly turns to face Cinderali sitting on his bed, having just woken him up after finding him in distress. "Are you okay?..." she asks, sweetly. The shirtless Rena pants, startled and confused. He feels the sweat dripping down his face and moves to wipe himself clean with his right hand, and she tells him she could hear him from her bedroom next door, and was alarmed for him. "Guess I... was just having a bad dream, I'm sorry I awoke you," he says. She tells him it's alright, gently, and takes out her handkerchief from her nightgown's pocket to wipe some more of his sweat away. He sits up, head resting against the pillow as she moves her tissue across his face, slowly. Once she's done, she notices the volume growing under his sheet, and blushes, but decides not to acknowledge it. He can see that she can see it, however. An embarrassing moment of silence ensues, and they both try to break through it. "I... I'll leave you to rest," she says, before starting to get up from the bed, but he stops her by holding her arm. "I... I'm sorry..." He lets go, having done it almost out of instinct, not giving it any thought. "What is it?" she asks. "I just... I'm worried that... that I might go back to having those bad dreams again, I... Would you mind just... bunking with me for a while?" He asks it so innocently it catches her by surprise in more ways than one. "...What?" she is forced to ask. "My mom," he says, "When I was a kid, and she was still alive, whenever I had a bad dream, a-a nightmare, she'd always crawl in bed with me to keep me calm. If you just... if you could just lie down by my side for a while, I think it might comfort me..." "Oh..." Ali says. "I'm sorry, I, I know it's weird," he adds, "You don't have to stay the whole night, just, till I fall asleep, I... Forget it, I know it's an odd thing to ask." "I'll do it," she says, and the answer surprises both of them. "Really?" he wonders. She moves to the other side of the bed and lies down beside him. She says it's alright. They look into each other's eyes and he smiles right before she closes his. She turns her back at him, and he turns her back at her. Facing opposite ends of the bed, they fall asleep. She eventually spends the night there, and wakes up inside his arms.

ONCE UPON A PENIS

Act I[edit | edit source]

The Dog howls with immense pain as Rena tends to his wounded shoulder once more. This happens the day after, right after his attack, after Blow's big confrontation with Whorora. Cinderali throws away the used, bloody bandages, and takes out new ones from the First Aid kit (yes), handing them to the Savior. "She's a wolf!" the Dog keeps repeating, in a state of shock, "She's a motherfucking wolf!" "I know, I was there," Rena says, trying to calm him down, "You don't have to keep talking about that." "I'm sorry, I don't mean to make things worse, and yes he should calm down for now, but... a werewolf!!" Ali says, sounding excited, "I mean, they are such rare creatures, rumor had it they were extinct." "I should have smelled it on her," the Dog says, starting to shake, "I s-should have, but..." "But you were trying to avoid getting killed," Rena justifies his friend, "Forget about it now, we'll deal with her later." He gets a closer look at the wound, at the chunk of meat missing from his friend's shoulder, and the Dog starts to turn yellow. "God..." Rena worries. Ali jumps in: "I... I think maybe there's a chance we could do some sort of healing spell, maybe get the... I don't know, just fix it, make it good as new. I'll get a hold of Bellend, Porn's friend, she had so many spell books." Rena thanks her, and she leaves the room. The Dog starts to tear up. "What am I gonna do...? She's gonna kill me..." He faints on the bed he was sitting on, and Rena starts to shout for him to wake up.

From the outside view of the Golden Castle, in the far off distance, a blue bird lands in its nest, bringing with it food for its newborns. As the baby birds feast on what their mother has brought for them, they're each startled by a loud moaning sound coming from inside the home of the Evil Queer. Fearing what this sound could possibly mean, each of the birds abandon the nest and fly away.
In the position known as doggy-style, the Evil Queer allows himself to be penetrated by the Fucksman; he moans and groans as this is done. Meanwhile, the Fucksman is seen trying to hold back tears, having not yet grown used to being the play toy he is today. "Harder!" the Queer demands; the Fucksman complies with this order as he begins to more violently thrust in and out of his Majesty's anus. From the hints given by the Evil Queer's facial expressions, Fucks is clearly reaching all of the right places. "It must be a real shame for someone to have fallen so far from power," his Majesty exclaims, "To have gotten so high, but to have dropped so low. To have reached the top, only to then hit rock bottom." The words coming from the Queer's mouth appear to be getting to Fucks, as he is visibly having an even harder time holding back the water works; however, he chooses to ignore his master. "It's funny to think about all those who surround me in my day-to-day life, those who have failed at literally everything. Well, of course, you'd know that better than anyone now, wouldn't you? It's actually quite funny, you use to be a real 'Cuntsman', but now you're nothing but my 'Fucksman.' Ha! Aren't I just hilarious?" Fucks continues to ignore the Queer, and instead thrusts even harder, hoping this shuts his Highness up. The Queer does indeed stop talking, and goes back to moaning the way he was before. Fucks begins thrusting even faster and faster, harder and harder; the Queer moans at the top of his lungs, and then there is a moment of silence. The Fucksman came. Just at that timing, a guard enters the Queer's chambers, exclaiming, "Your Highness, pardon my interruption, but I've come to inform you we have captured the Boob Fairy." "Excellent, excellent," the Queer replies, "See yourself out, and I will be there to greet our new prisoner momentarily." The guard nods before exiting, and the Queer sits up as he grabs a silk robe from the bedside, before turning to the Fucksman, "That'll be all for now, so if you would, go and fetch me today's attire." Fucks goes to do just that, but he is interrupted by the Queer one last time, "And Pemus? Perhaps a little harder next time." And that last order does it; tears begin rolling down his face, but he continues to do as told.

Rumpleforeskin, dressed in leathery attire, stands outside of the blue palace with a sword in tow, out on the garden, waiting for Rena Charming to get ready for battle. The Savior picks up his own sword and prepares to attack the Dark One, and they engage in small-talk as they swashbuckle. "Quite the performance you and your friends put up at the golden castle," Rumple comments, "Word has it the Queer is downright pissed. He should be getting ready to strike back and retrieve his father in no time." Rena answers that he isn't afraid of a flaming little man-witch, and Rumple giggles at this. Ali sits on a bench in the garden, in a safe distance, and sighs. The two fighters continue jabbing their swords into one another, producing audible clanking sounds. The Dog gets out of the palace, shoulder bandaged up again, looking better, and approaches her, asking if she's alright, to which the princess asks how he is doing, after giving them such a scare earlier. The Dog claims to be feeling better; although the pain won't actually go away, it has subsided a bit. Ali shows discomfort over their friend being taught by the Dark One, and the Dog answers that they have a big battle coming up, of good versus evil, and even though Rumpleforeskin certainly falls into the latter category, it helps to have someone so powerful on their side. "But if we have evil on our side then, backing us up and driving us forward... well, that's exactly the side we're on, isn't it? There's really no way around it." "I'd say the Dark One is just as worried as everyone else is of the curse. No one wants to live in a world with no women and no way of procreating. The entire population of earth would be gone in a matter of decades." "That's just the thing, though, where did the curse even come from?" Ali wonders, "And how did Josh get his powers? I was married to him. I know that, that I wasn't exactly the wiser about everything Josh-related, took me a while to learn he was gay, but I'm fairly certain he wasn't an avid dark arts practitioner. Someone had to teach him... and I'm willing to bet the curse wasn't his idea either." The Dog deduces that she suspects Rumple's involvement in all of it, and he wonders what the wizard would get out of it. Ali too wonders about this. "Wish I knew..." In front of them, Rena and Rumple continue swordfighting. A break ensues and the Savior catches his breath, and notices Ali and the Dog sitting on the bench, looking worried.

In flashback, Rena Charming, a young adult who's just finished college and gotten his driver's license, is driving alone through an isolated road in the countryside, sunglasses on, music turned up, screaming out the song playing like a maniac. "Rolling! Rolling! Rolling on the river!!" He bangs his right hand on the steering wheel to the "too-too-too"s, and he hits the brake when he sees an apple orchard on the side of the road, with the most appetizing, juicy-looking, shiny red apples he's ever seen, really calling out to him. He stops his car and gets out, jumping over the wooden fence to the property, not knowing who it even belongs to, drawn by the allure of the apples, really craving a bite. He comes to the largest tree, with the thickest bush, and reaches out for the biggest, shiniest fruit. "Um, can I help you?" The sudden voice startles him, and Rena drops the apple he's just picked to the ground as a result. He can see a beautiful woman's face through the branches of the tree, staring right at him, and he starts to babble. "I-I, I'm s-so sorry, I..." "You were stealing from us," she says, bluntly, but not incisively. "I just, I was driving, a-and I saw these apples, and they looked so good, and they look so good, and I didn't think, I just acted, and..." She starts to giggle as she gets down from her stepstool, and walks around the tree canopy to face him. "Don't worry about it," she says, "You'd be surprised by the amount of people who come in and take apples from us. No one ever pushes it, so we don't mind. I was just messing with you." Rena takes a sigh of relief and asks why she'd do that then, and she answers, "Because you're kinda cute and I wanted to see you try to weasel out of a bad situation. I get my kicks like that." He smiles and jokes that she's mean. "Here, let me make it up to you," she says, before picking an apple and handing it to him. As he takes it, he asks, "Is it poisoned?" She gives him a weird look, finding this odd after such a nice gesture, and he tries to explain, "I was just, um, it's a joke, cos Snow White, and..." She giggles, and he does as well, rather nervously, "You often make things this awkward for girls?" she asks, and he nods, slightly. "So, I gather you don't actually talk to pretty girls a lot." "You'd be surprised," he says, trying his best to keep the conversation going, "But they're usually a lot more modest about how pretty they are." "I find that 'modesty' is another word for 'lack of self-esteem'," she says. Rena finally bites into the apple, in clunky fashion, and she joins him, eating an apple herself. Their eyes keep meeting as they eat. "Sorry, I don't know what to say," Rena tells her after a few seconds of silence. She smiles and asks him to start with his name. "Renato," he says, "Everyone calls me Rena." "Gabrielle. Gabby." He is delighted to have her name. "Very pretty." "Yours too," she says, "Quite... exotic." "Yeah, my mom picked it, she was... yeah, exotic, I suppose. God I suck at this..." he says, referring to his awkward flirting game. She appeases him. "Don't worry so much! God, you're cute. And very charming." He smiles and says, again, "You'd be surprised..."

Practice ends, and the Savior is given the rest of the day off to relax and gather his strength. Ali is now sitting by herself on the same bench, and he sits down next to her, drinking from a water bottle (they have that too). He asks how she's doing, and she says she's fine, asking how he is doing instead since he's the one who has just been working out. Rena assures her he's good, and comments that he noticed she looked uncertain as he battled Rumpleforeskin. "I just don't trust him," she says. "Right. 'Dark One' and everything, whatever that means. Well, seems like he's eager to help. He did bring me here and everything." Ali nods, but asks him to keep an eye out for him. Rena says he will, and she looks up and notices his forehead dripping sweat. She smiles and takes out her handkerchief, proceeding to wipe him clean. "This is getting to be a thing," Rena jokes. She chuckles. His green eyes meet the sparkling blue of hers as she brings the tissue down his right cheek. "Thanks," he says. "Sure," she answers. "I guess you keep an eye out for me too," he tells her, prompting her smile to widen. "I try." He moves in to kiss her, surprising her. Her eyes, open at first, close as she gives in to the slow, soft kiss. They put their hands on each other's backs and enjoy it, their lips finding solace together. When they finally break it off, they just stare into each other's eyes once more, their hands now held together, in a picture-perfect moment reminiscent of one previously seen in Rumpleforeskin's storybook...

"We're late!" Gabrielle hurries Rena, in flashback, as they both make it out of his car, dressed in a beautiful long dress and a tux, respectively, about to enter a rather luxurious theater. A big poster shows a promotional still of a blonde actress in a lavish blue dress wearing what appear to be transparent shoes, with the play's title, Cinderella, in big, splashy letters, in a fancy font. "If the play starts and Alexis sees we're not in the seats she reserved for us, she's gonna be so disappointed." "I know, I know!" Rena says, not seeming to care much, as he ascends the steps to the entrance of the theater, walking on the red carpet that covers them. "Rena, this is important! She's my best friend and it's her big stage debut, can you pretend to care?" As she goes up the steps, her left shoe falls off of her foot, and she has to turn around. Rena instinctively kneels down to pick it up and volunteers to put it back on her. She lifts up her dress slightly to uncover her bare foot, and he slips the shoe on. "All set, Cinderella," he tells her, with a smile. She smiles back as he gets up again and they share a brief kiss before rushing into the theater.

"That was nice..." Cinderali says, following the kiss. "Yeah..." Rena tells her. She couldn't possibly know how familiar it felt to him. "Cinderali..." he says. "Um..." He gets lost in her eyes, and she starts to blush. The breeze blows softly as they sit together in front of the blue palace, the blonde princess and her new Prince Charming.

Act II[edit | edit source]

"Chug, chug, chug, chug," exclaims a group of people in a local tavern of the Embiggened Forest. They surround none other than Blow White, who sits in a doggy-style position across a bar, dress pulled up, and a tube in her anus. At the end of the long tube, alcohol is seen being poured in by the local bartender, Quasihomo, a hideous and deformed-looking man with a very noticeable hunchback. Shunned by many, and mocked by even more, how he was able to obtain the job he has today, we might never know. As Blow gets drunk off of the alcohol that flows into her buttocks, Quasi looks at her, longingly. He's admired the fair but disgusting princess for quite some time now, but just doesn't know how to properly approach her. "Hot damn, I'm feeling this shit," the Princess exclaims, "Make it a triple!" Quasihomo does as told, and grabs two other bottles to add to the tube when the current one runs out. Meanwhile, from across the tavern, the Evil Drag Queen is seen exiting the restroom, having had to 're-tuck'. She looks over and notices her stepdaughter; she gasps, having not known Blow awoke from the sleeping curse placed on her. "Are you fucking kidding me?!?!" she asks herself, enraged; "I'll show that little cock-sucking, cum-absorbing, not-really-white trash harlot! She'll see! Everyone will see!" With that, the Evil Drag Queen storms out of the tavern, but not without bumping into Bellend, who is seen making her way in. "Watch it, lady," the Evil Drag Queen exclaims. Bellend simply apologizes, but the shemale ignores her, walking off, mumbling something under her breath. Belle looks over to see Blow still on top the bar, and simply sighs, giving a look of disapproval. "This shit. Feeling it," Blow shouts, simply having a good time.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii," the Hunterer exclaims, entering Cinderali's castle, unannounced and uninvited, "Is anyone home?" The Big Bad Dog pokes his head out from an upstairs room, allowing him to look down and see the mentally disordered hunter. He alerts Rena and Ali of their unexpected company, and the three soon make their way downstairs. "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii," the Hunterer says again, this time directly at the group. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small purse and hands it to Ali, stating, "You forgot this the other day when your friend had me murder than man on a horse. I peeked inside and all i saw were your emergency tampons, so no biggie; just thought you should have it." Ali appears slightly embarrassed as she grabs the miniature purse and tries to hide it beneath her arms; Rena and Dog try to resist their urge to laugh. "Anyways, I needa get going now, okay? Byeze," the Hunterer says heading for the door; however, before he can open it, it's swung open, slamming him into a wall, and knocking him unconscious. "Sup y'all bunches of nigger slut bitch hoes," Blow White exclaims, stumbling through the front door, not even noticing the Hunterer lying on the ground next to her. She's clearly drunk off the alcohol she consumed through her anus at the tavern earlier that very day. She tries to maintain balance, but ends up falling into both the Dog and Rena's arms before finally face-planting the floor. Instead of helping Blow up, Rena, Dog, and Ali direct their attention to the unconscious Hunterer. As the three go to lift him up to carry him to one of the many empty upstairs bedrooms, Rena jokes, "I sure hope that door slam doesn't make him even more retarded than he already is. I mean, he may be pretty fucked in the head now, but damn I don't think I wanna be around to see what he's like when he wakes up." He laughs at his own joke, but the Dog and Ali don't seem to think it's funny. "Haha, fucking hilarious," Blow calls out, still lying on the floor in her drunken state.

Rena enters his bedroom in the morning, in a flashback, holding a breakfast tray, ready to surprise his girlfriend, who is still sound asleep. He places the tray down on the bedside table as she lies on her back, sleeping peacefully. He then leans down and kisses her gently on the lips... Her eyes open slowly and meet his. "Good morning, sleeping beauty..." She smiles, delighted to have been woken up like this. "Good morning..." She smells the scented croissant and sits up straight, stretching her arms out in a cute manner. He grins, sitting on the bed, just observing her. "I must look like crap," she says. "Nah. I don't know how you do it, but you manage to go to bed at night pretty and wake up the next morning beautiful." She kisses him. They go at it for a while. When they stop, she says, "You know, I might bring over some of my things when I get here tonight. I've been spending every night here anyway, I oughta stop going to work wearing your boxer shorts." He nods, telling her that's a great idea. "And, you know, just... Rena, when are we going to... you know?" He sighs. "I mean," she continues, "We've been sleeping together forever, I can't believe we haven't..." "I just... why rush into it?" "Four months, babe. I usually draw the minimum limit at three dates." "Right. I just..." "You're gay, aren't you?" "What?" He chuckles. "I'm your beard. Jesus Christ, I'm your fag hag." "Sweetie, I can assure you, I am definitely not gay." "Yeah, what the fuck, you get boners. I feel them, brushing up against me. And they're... they seem pretty big, just saying. Lumpy, but... big." Rena bites his lip nervously. "Come on... why don't you wanna have sex with me? Do you have AIDS or something?" He laughs, and she joins him. "Tonight," he says, "I promise." "Seems so... odd that we have to, like, plan it or whatever. I wish we could have just played it by ear by now." "I'm sorry..." Rena says, "You'll understand eventually, I just..." She takes the croissant and bites down on it. "Tonight." "Tonight." They smile.

In the dungeons of the Golden Castle, the Boob Fairy lies on a bed in her cell, filing her nails. She doesn't appear sad or frightened, no, she can't possibly show such weakness when met with the Evil Queer. Speaking of which, the doors to the dungeon swing open, and in walks His Majesty himself, followed by the Imp, Fucksman, and three other guards. "Look what the cat dragged in," Boobs exclaims, not even looking up to see the Queer, but simply blows on her just-filed-nail. "Hey hun, it's been so long," the Queer replies. "Not long enough." His Highness smirks at the comment, trying to play nice, but ultimately cuts to the chase, "So I need you to do something for me." "No," Boobs replies, still not having looked up at the Queer once. He doesn't like this, but continues, "Well I'm not really giving you a choice here." "No," Boobs replies, yet again, infuriating the Queer even more, who goes on with, "I'm sorry, but did you not hear me?" Boobs doesn't answer though, she just continues filing. The Queer is now completely and utterly enraged; he waves his hand, causing the Boobs' cell door to swing open. He storms in, grabs the nail filer from her hand, and snaps it in two. "Bitch, did you not hear me?!?! I'm not giving you a fucking choice!!!" the Queer shouts at the top of his lungs, causing the Imp, Fucksman, and three guards to each appear a bit uncomfortable. Boobs finally looks up at His Majesty, and says to him, "Fuck off." Luckily she had finished filing her nails before the filer was taken, and so she looks back at her nails and blows.

Ali walks into the living room, where Rena is watching MV. "How's Hunt?" the Savior asks. "Fine," she says, with a tone. "...What?" "Rena... I was honestly shocked at that inappropriate comment you made about him. That was out of line, don't you think?" Rena looks guilty. He turns the MV off and gets up. "I'm sorry, Ali, I... you're right." "What possessed you to say something like that?" she wonders. "I just... I was so bullied all my life, when I was a kid and beyond that, because... of my condition." "What?" He looks down and she can tell he means his penis. "Oh," she says, "Go on." "And eventually I had to start doing the same. Be a bully, to protect myself. It was either bullying or getting bullied. I guess some of that ugliness reared its head earlier and I'm sorry it did. I'd apologize to Hunt, but I don't think he heard me, or that he'd understand, and... it would probably make things worse. So I wanna apologize to you." Ali nods understandingly, and says the apology is accepted. "For what it's worth," he continues, "I did eventually find people in my life that accepted me for what I am. They've shown me kindness. I wanna do the same to them, and thank them." This said, he kisses her on the cheek. "So thank you." They both smile.

Rena Charming sits nervously on his bed, in a flashback, holding his hands together, wearing nothing but his best-fitting black boxer shorts. The room is dark except for a few lit candles on the dresser, and suddenly the door to the bathroom opens and out comes Gabrielle, from the light, wearing a sexy, revealing nightgown, looking more sensual than ever before. Rena is astonished. "Wow..." "You like it?" "You're so..." She giggles. She reaches out her hands to grab his, and helps him up. "Someone down there likes it too," she comments, referring to his bulging erection. She moves to kiss him, but after a few seconds she can tell his heart isn't in it. "What's wrong?" she asks, her smile having faded. He looks concerned. "Rena, just tell me. I'm worried." He decides to finally come clean. "Gabby, there's... There's something you don't know about me, something just... odd and kinda bad and that I worry might ruin everything for us, and I've been meaning to tell you forever, but, God, how could I? It's just, how could I just even begin to tell you..." "Rena! Really worried now. Just say it." He sighs, his eyes showcasing fear, fear that what he is about to do might just cost him the love of his life. He brings his hands down and starts to pull down his underwear, revealing his erect penis. "Oh my God..." she says. She is flabbergasted. At its size, at its thickness, but mostly at its shape. Its weird, unnatural, bendy shape. "What...?" "I know," Rena says, looking up and not at her, "No doctors could ever explain to me or my parents why it's like that. It works just fine, I can pee and get erections and... and... ejaculate just fine, but..." She takes it in her hands, caressing it, curious to feel it. "It's so..." "I know..." He's embarrassed beyond belief. "No one has ever... I... I've always been teased about it, bullied, whenever my schoolmates found out. And no girl has ever... Whenever it got to this, they all bailed on me." "So... you're a virgin?" she asks, just realizing it. Rena almost tears up with shame. "Rena..." She brings his face down to look at her. He doesn't see fear or disgust in her eyes. Only love. "I'm sorry..." she says, "That you've felt like you've been burdened by this your whole life, but... God, I am honestly surprised at just... how little I care." He doesn't get what she's saying. "I love you so much..." she tells him, "I think we can work with this." He does tear up now, moved. She kisses him, and continues to caress his member with her delicate hands. "I know we can work with this," she says, reassuring him. It isn't long before they're in bed together and he's inside of her. And it's a perfect fit.

Act III[edit | edit source]

Renato Charming stands at the altar of a beautiful, traditional Catholic church, in a flashback, dressed in a stylish yet affordable groom's suit, waiting anxiously to get married. The doors to the church are opened, and in she comes, quite possibly the most beautiful bride to ever grace their world. Rena can hardly believe his eyes. Before this moment, several seconds of doubt and uncertainty had rocked his mind, as is the case with just about anyone on the verge of taking this big, big step. In she walks, and all of his innermost doubts are swept away. She's beautiful. So beautiful... Smart, charming, delightful, funny, graceful, edgy, sensual. And she loves him... Flaws and all, she really does love him. She makes it to the altar, both gloved hands around the fragile bouquet, and their eyes meet. The priest starts the ceremony. Eventually, Rena is asked to read his vows to his bride-to-be. He gulps. With no notes in his hands, he starts to talk.

Quote1.png
Gabrielle, I... My life has been anything but charming. My mother died when I was so young... My father and I have always had a very complicated relationship...
Quote2.png

In the first row, Joel Charming lowers his head in slight shame.

Quote1.png
I was bullied, teased all along while growing up. Always had a hard time making friends... meeting girls. Whenever you're a stranger to love, you can't actually assimilate what others say about it, about meeting 'the one'. 'You complete me'... 'How did I ever live without your love?'... It's hard to understand the kind of happiness true love can bring. But I have indeed been empty all my life before I met you. A part of me was missing. As commonplace as that can sound, it's the undeniable truth. Growing up, I often turned to my beloved fairytales to seek solace in them... Hope for the better, for the light at the end of the tunnel, that a happy ending could come along for me. Then you came along. But what we have, right here, right now, is a happy beginning. And I can't wait to start a life together with you.
Quote2.png
Rena Charming

Gabrielle, moved to tears, kisses him, and the priest is forced to tell her that comes later. The audience lets out a collective laugh. Flash forward to the end of the ritual, with Rena and Gabrielle exchanging wedding rings, and the priest telling them the groom may now kiss the bride.
Rena and Gabby roll around in the bed of the hotel suite, together, enjoying their honeymoon. She climbs on top of him and tells him to give her some of that big, weird dick of his... He relishes in her dirty talk.
"It's beautiful... Oh my God, I love the sofa!" Gabrielle Charming slides her hand over the back of the sofa in the living room of the apartment she and her husband are looking to buy.
"The doctor says it's a girl..." She announces, both hands over her pregnant belly. "A girl..." Rena's eyes widen. "We're gonna have a baby girl..." He squeals with delight and runs to her, holding her in his arms and kissing her passionately. "I already have the name picked out," she tells him. He chuckles and says, "Of course you do. What is it?" "Elizabeth... I love the name Elizabeth."
"Hey..." "Hmmmmm..." "You still awake?" "Rena, it's 3 a.m.," she says as she comes to, lying in bed next to him. He puts his hand over her slim, toned stomach, and says, "I love you." She smiles at this, instinctively. She turns around to face him. "I love you too. Now let me sleep, for Christ's sake." He steals one last kiss from her before they both go to sleep.

Rena has his eyes closed, unwilling to look at the Dog's putrefying shoulder once more as the bandages come out again. As Cinderali helps the animal remove them, Bellend stands before them with a book in her hands, chanting in a strange language. Soon enough, the wound starts to heal, and a chunk of meat starts to grow back on the Dog's shoulder, being covered with skin, with tiny bits of white fur eventually covering it. Rena opens his eyes and is marvelled at this. "My God... that is amazing!" Belle says that it's gonna take a while for it to actually settle, but it should be fine. She warns them that this is a very potent spell and, since magic always has a price, it comes with side effects, which can include mild nausea, headaches and explosive diarrhea. Rena continues to comment on it: "This is just mind-blowing. You just... damn! This could really come in handy someday, when we most need it. Unless of course we conveniently forget about this." "How would that be convenient?" Ali inquires. "Nevermind," Rena tells her.
Near the hallway entrance to the blue palace stands a table with food and snacks for the guards that work for the princesses. Blow White sneaks downstairs to shamelessly steal some of their cheese puffs, feeling the munchies. She starts eating away at the snack, when the front doors are suddenly opened, and in walks Slutty Red Riding Wood, like she owns the ground she steps on. Blow is surprised and confused. "Um, can I fucking help you?" she asks. Outside, the full moon shines in its wholesome splendor. The young girl all dressed in red starts to remove the cloak she's got on her. Blow calls out to her friends in the room adjacent to the hall: "Yo, some crazy-ass bitch is stripping in the hallway!" From the room, we hear Ali's voice saying, "I'm not gonna fall for that again!" "Bitch it ain't me this time, I swear!!" As the cloak hits the floor, the beautiful woman turns into a red wolf. "Wooo, Lordy, how high am I?!" Blow wonders. She reaches her hand for the knife plunged in a large cheese on a platter and takes it out. "Is there seriously no guard at the door to keep them animals out?" she wonders, "I swear to God, someone's gonna lose their job in the morning." She focuses her attention on the animal, telling it, "Bitch if you're after my cheese puffs you're gonna lose your nipples, all eight of them." The wolf roars loudly at her. "Okay then, this is happening," Blow continues, "Let's introduce ourselves first. Hi, I'm Blow White, and you're my fabulous new coat."
"She's here..." the Dog says, after everyone in the room has been alarmed by the sound of the loud roar, "I can smell her."
Everyone rushes out of the room and into the hallway. The wolf howls, and the Dog gets ready for battle. He tells Blow to leave it to him, so she starts cutting into the cheese and eating it. "You really shouldn't have come back," the Dog says as he starts walking around the hallway, everyone else just standing and watching. The wolf grunts and the Dog wonders if Red can even understand him when she's taken that form. The wolf pounces at him, and the Dog is able to grab it mid-air and throw it to the wall, hurting it. "You asked me what chance a dog stands against a wolf... foolish girl. What chance do you think you have? You walk on four legs when you're like that. I can do that myself. But I have the added ability to walk on two and show dexterity with my hands. I can use weapons. I can throw a sucker punch or a roundhouse kick to your stupid face. You dare to try me, girl?" The wolf gets back in position, ready to strike again. The Dog teases it, hinting at it to come with his right hand, saying, "Come at me, then." The wolf pounces again and the Dog just slides out of the way to make sure the creature hits the wall behind him, but Red surprisingly bounces back off of the wall and lands on top of the Dog's back, immediately making him hit the floor. Rena tries to help out, but the red wolf puts its paws on his chest with force, sending him sliding across the floor, but allowing the Dog to get back and resume fighting. Rena gets back up and picks up a sword from the nearing guards' weaponry. "Bitch use your magic penis!" Blow says. Rena doesn't know he could, however, and is unmotivated after his penis was sliced off the last time he tried to use it. The Dog and the wolf keep fighting fiercely, hitting all the furniture around them as they struggle and making a commotion. The princesses retreat further, and Midass descends from his bedroom upstairs to see what all the fuss is about. "What is going on?" he asks, curiously, and is surprised to see the large dog they live with and a red wolf - both remarkably fascinating creatures - engaged in a bloody fight. Rena tries to charge at the wolf with his sword, but the beast deflects his attack, making the Savior turn around and accidentally slice the stomach of King Midass superficially. "Papa!!" Ali screams, alarmed, immediately rushing towards the wounded old man and covering up the gash on his torso with her skirt, applying pressure on it. Belle comes closer with her book, trying to work on a spell to defeat the wolf, but the latter knocks the book off of her hands after throwing the Dog back, and destroys most of the book's pages with its teeth. "My book!!" Belle screams, and Blow just lets out a loud laugh. The fight continues, with the Dog managing to overpower the wolf for the most part. Blow keeps eating as she enjoys the show. Ultimately, the Dog gives the wolf such a powerful punch, making use of all the residual strength left in him, and sending the werewolf sliding across the floor of the hallway until it reaches the cloak that's just been left there. Finding itself under the cloak once more, the wolf turns back into Slutty Red. She gets up, tries to compose herself, but the Dog creeps up behind her fast and overpowers her. She tries to fight him, but is unable to: he's much stronger than her when she's but a girl. "This has gone on long enough!!!" The Dog shouts in her ear as she struggles to break free, and then he bites down into her shoulder, paying back for what she's done to him. She lets out a bloodcurling scream as he rips her arm off with his teeth. Her blood comes spraying out of the socket and she falls to the floor in extreme agony. Everyone in attendance is horrified as the Dog grabs her severed arm in his hands and the girl turns into a fountain of blood, splattering the blue walls all around her with it. The Dog stands before the doors with the arm in his hands and tells her, with a mean look in his eyes: "Go fetch, bitch." This said, he throws the arm out of the palace, into the woods surrounding it. Then he grabs Red by her remaining arm and throws her out as well. He shuts the doors in front of him, and turns back to face the jarred audience. Everyone is silent for a few seconds, until Blow inevitably breaks said silence: "Okay, I'm just gonna say what everyone's thinking - Ali, for God's sake, have someone paint the damn walls red cos some motherfucker's always spraying blood on 'em every other day anyway." Rena doesn't know what to tell his friend. "Wow, that was..." "I know," the Dog says, "Don't worry. He doesn't come out that often." "Who?" Rena wonders. The Dog gives him a look and says, "The Big Bad Dog". Rena gets a chill. "Well that was fucking cheesy," Blow says, "Hey maybe you can wear a sign around your neck that has your name written." "That's not my name," the Dog tells her. "Can you drop the trivialities and help me?" Ali requests, "We need to get my father-in-law back in his bedroom and treat his injury. Rena, Belle and Blow walk towards her, and the Dog says, sarcastically, "Yeah, fine, whatever, I've got bruises and cuts all through my body from fighting a psychotic she-wolf but okay, priorities are priorities." "He was sliced in the stomach!" Ali says, removing her hands and skirt from over the wound as Rena helps Midass get back up. "Oh my God..." the princess says. "What the...?" Blow starts to utter. Everyone looks with confusion as Ali's blue skirt is stained yellow. Midass brings his gloved hand to the wound, in pain, and everyone sees his golden blood pouring out. "Papa...?" Ali is scared for his sake, "What is happening?" Rena, always the wiser in fairytale stuff, knows: "You're bleeding gold," he says, catching everyone's attention and making the rightful king feel frustrated that his secret is out. "You're bleeding liquid gold."

The Evil Queer walks through the halls of the golden castle, passing many servants as he does so; each bow in his presence, but him being him, he doesn't take much notice of this. He makes his way to a locked door at the end of the hall, but with the wave of his hand, the lock is undone, and the door swings open. He goes through the dark entrance, and with another wave, candles are lit as he walks down a spiral staircase, leading him into a basement. Once reaching the edge of the stairs, he stops for a moment, and lets out a deep breath. He heads for one corner of the basement in particular, where standing before him is nothing but a golden statue. However, it isn't just any statue; it appears to be a young girl, in a position as if she was giving a hug. Her arms are out, and she is bent a little bit; this girl is the Evil Queer's sister, Abigoat. The Queer has a look of sadness in his eyes, but he doesn't let this distract himself as he reaches into his cloak and pulls out a brand new Barfie doll. "I... I was thinking about you earlier, and... and I realized it's been quite some time since I last visited. I got you a little something," the Evil Queer says as he places the doll on the ground, next to his sister, "I know it's not much, and that it can't fix what's become of you, but I want you to know that I still think about you, and I've seen to it that father has paid for his actions. He's paid for what has become of you, and soon, very soon, everyone else will pay for what has become of me. Dear sister, I just wanted you to know, I love you." With that, the Queer kisses his solidified sister on the forehead, and a teardrop falls from his eye.

Rena enters Ali's bedroom, wanting to check on her after the tumultuous night they've just had. She sits on her bed, an empty look in her eyes, and he approaches her and sits down right by her side. "Are you okay?" "He's dying," she says, bluntly, "I didn't actually realize how... bad it was. His illness, his... curse. I think it's just hitting me now." "I'm sorry..." Rena tells her, "You really like him, huh?" "He was sweet to me. Warm, welcoming... so happy to have me in his family. He reminded me of my dad." Rena asks what happened to him. "Who? My dad, or my father-in-law?" "Your father," he says, "I... I am fairly certain I can guess what happened to your father-in-law, from the stories in my book. But Cinderella's father is... usually dead by the time the story starts." "He got sick, too. It was... it was strange, really, wasn't even a gradual thing. He got sick one day, and three days later he was gone forever... I watched him die. I was holding his hand, smiling at him, because he wanted me to smile, all through it. I saw his body just... shut down. His eyes open... He just stopped breathing as he looked at me. It's an image that haunts me to this day." Rena doesn't know what to say. He puts his hand on her back. "What about your father, Rena?" she wants to know. "I... I, he's dead too. Car crash. He was drunk, as usual." "A car? Like, a carriage?" "Yeah, kinda." "And your mother?" she asks, "I barely know anything about you, about your old life, in another land. Which is natural, I suppose, we've only just met and every other day we're almost getting killed." "My mom also died. She, um... she committed suicide, actually. Jumped into a river. They never found her body." Ali's eyes widen with pity, and she says she's so sorry about this. "Yours?" Rena inquires next. "Also got sick," she says, "Same things as my father, really. One day she was the poster girl for health, a few days later she was dead. I also watched her die." "Oh, my God..." Rena says, "What you have gone through." "I'll never forget the last thing she said to me. She grabbed my hands and told me that... I had more kindness in my finger than most people do in their whole bodies." Rena smiles lightly and tells her he believes that. Ali blushes. She then continues: "And she told me that, so long as I held on to my faith and never gave in to darkness, I would eventually learn that the most amazing miracles can happen when I least expect them." A moment of silence ensues. "Have you...?" Rena asks, "I mean, do they?" She looks in his eyes and says, "You tell me. I wished upon a star one night and... you literally fell from the sky." They kiss. And lie down as they do.

A flashback follows, and we see Rena kissing Gabrielle on the lips. "I love you so much..." he says, his voice weary. "And I am sorry." A tear streams down his face and falls on hers. Her eyes closed. He gets up and starts to pick up the dirt from the pile surrounding the hole he dug on the ground for her, with his shovel. He starts to cover her body with the dirt, in some secluded spot out in the woods, at nighttime. His sobs are heard. "I am so sorry..."

Back in the present day, the Evil Queer exits the same door he went through earlier that led him to the basement. As he walks, he waves his hand, and from behind him, the door swings shut and locks once more. He appears to have composed himself, clearly not wanting any of his subjects to see him in a state that could make him appear weak. As he walks back through the halls, the Imp joins him, carrying with it a magic mirror. "Your highness, shall we do our daily check up on the citizens of your fine kingdom?" the Imp asks, as the mirror shows views of Lady Trampaine, guzzling down a bottle of alcohol on the steps of her home, then switches to Granny Fanny baking a loaf of bread in her cottage, and lastly shows Puta hosting her talk show. The Queer doesn't even bother with giving the mirror a glance, and simply waves his hand, causing the magical reflector to disappear instantly. "No, my dear feces-made lackey, we have much more to do," the Evil Queer replies as the two reach a balcony, overlooking the kingdom. "I've decided it's time to dispose of that Rena Charming once and for all," the Queer adds. The Imp questions if his Highness plans to kill the Savior himself, but the Evil Queer states otherwise, "No, no. I have bigger, and more... creative plans, for dear Rena's demise. I plan to find and hire the two most well-trained assassins in all the Embiggened Forest for such a task. They must be ruthless and cunning, well equipped, and of course, determined. I want to make sure that when they're done with him that he resents his own mother for ever even birthing him." The Imp is now intrigued, and so he asks if the Queer knows who he plans to task with the job. "Oh, I think I have an idea for who will be perfect," the Queers says as he shares a wicked grin with the Imp, before both turn to look over the balcony at the kingdom ruled under such evil.

Rena and Ali keep making out passionately, on top of one another, in her bed, in the dark. Their continued kissing is only interrupted every now and then because of their need to breathe. During one of these breaks, she whispers, softly, "Make love to me..." She can feel his willingness to below his waist. She pushes him away, however, and tells him she'll be right back, just wants to freshen up. Rena is excited. And anxious. This woman already knows about his one big defect, and she's managed to fall for him and to want to make love to him nevertheless. It's perfect. So why does he still feel unsure? He sits up on the bed, bringing his hands to his head, and he realizes there's something he needs. He rushes out of the bedroom, very quickly, and dashes into Blow White's. She's not there. He rummages through her nightstand drawers quickly, until he finally finds the box where she keeps her condoms. But there's none left, she's used them all. Of course she has. Rena gives in to stress, until he is reminded of something... He rushes to his bedroom and finds it on his own nightstand: the magical latex condom Rumpleforeskin gave him (see "Hungry Like the Dog"). The one that will fit any penis that wears it... Rena could never use a condom before. But now, he needed one, and was certain the woman he was about to be with had no birth control. The Dark One had told him to wear it wisely... He figured it would be a weapon in the future, but how could a condom be a weapon? Maybe this was what it was intended for. Rena pockets it, and heads back to Ali's room. "Where did you go?" she asks when he finally comes in. She's wearing a lovely nightgown. Surprisingly enough, very similar to the one his wife used to wear. The one she wore the first night they made love. "I... needed something." She sees the condom and says, "Oh." He moves in closer and kisses her, putting his hands on her back. It isn't long before they are in bed again. Naked. Kissing. Their bodies interlocking. Rumpleforeskin squeals with delight as he sees them making love in his crystal ball.

The Dark One's shoes are seen heading downstairs, in his castle, going down the steep steps that lead to his dungeon area. The torches on the walls are lit by magic as he passes them by, illuminating the hallway with a weak light. He makes it to a cell at the end of the corridor and greets the old prisoner he has chained up in there. "How are you tonight, my good old friend?" The prisoner had been resting, in the uncomfortable position he's always in, sitting on the floor, back against the wall, arms up, with the wrists trapped in chains. He doesn't want to open his eyes and face the evil creature again. "Leave me alone..." he demands. "My, my, you, giving orders to the Dark One? You have long fallen from your position of power and authority, dearie, you don't get to tell me what to do. You don't get to send me away anymore." "What do you want?" the prisoner asks, "I've been fed tonight already, so what is it?" Rumple grins and squirms as he breaks the news: "I just wanted you to know things are going so smoothly I can hardly believe them myself. And I saw them ahead of time. Tehe." "What are you talking about, you bastard...?" the prisoner wants to know. "I'm saying, my dear friend... that it won't take long now before I ruin your daughter. Before I destroy her and everything that she is." The prisoner looks concerned. "You sick son of a bitch, you can't... "Oh, I can. I shall," Rumple says, no longer in a delightfully wicked tone. He's just angry. "You took my family from me. I'm gonna take the only family you have and show you what that feels like." "You can't!" the man says, "...Ali's good. Good always wins." The Dark One squeals. "She won't be good forever, dearie. That's the point. And I know good always wins. It's why you lost..." He vanishes in a cloud of grey smoke, and Mr. Trampaine is left to worry all by himself...

Unanswered Questions[edit | edit source]

  • Why and how did Rumple bring Rena to the Fairy Tale Land?
  • Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?
  • What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse?
  • What is Blow's history with red apples?
  • What made the Dog change from a regular pet to a personified animal?
  • What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena?
  • How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world?
  • Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom?
  • Who killed Anitta Red?
  • How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?
  • Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart? Does he really not have one?
  • What quest did the Boob Fairy and Rumple go on?
  • Who was Rena's love, that he couldn't save?
  • How and when did Slutty Red become a werewolf?
  • How did Abigoat become a golden statue?
  • How did Gabrielle Charming die?
  • How did Ali's father steal Rumple's family? Why does Rumple want to darken Ali's heart?