Got Wood?

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Got Wood?
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13
Airdate
October 12, 2017
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"Got Wood?" is the 13th episode of Once Upon a Penis.

Summary[edit | edit source]

The Imp has trouble disciplining the Mini-Imp, and Blow White is conflicted over whether or not to go through with the task assigned to her by the Evil Queer. The heroes are more than happy to return to the blue palace, and Cinderali kindly tells Pornocchio his family is allowed to stay with them, which reminds the brave wooden boy that he needs to resume his quest to cure his father of his "disease". Meanwhile, in flashbacks, toy maker Geppedo's life is forever changed when he inadvertently makes a wish on the Boob Star.

Plot[edit | edit source]

Teaser[edit | edit source]

The little workshop stands alone in a clearing in the woods, in a flashback, surrounded by majestic trees, and certainly looking more majestic itself than we've come to know it in more recent times. It's nighttime over the Embiggened Forest, and Geppedo, the elderly woodcarver and toy maker, works on his latest project in his workshop. The sweat drips down his face as he puts all of his concentration and hard work into the wooden marionette sitting over the counter. Jizzinme Cricket watches on as his constant companion works hard on the puppet, the latest of many toys Geppedo has envisioned and built over the years, and he worries once more. Many of those toys had been used to lure children... to appeal to them, and eventually cause their entrapment. Time and time again, the anthropomorphic cricket had tried to be the conscientious whisper in the old man's ears, but it was a hard job dissuading a sick man from reacting to his sicker impulses. But he also knew something was different this time. Geppedo had always done bad... and he'd always felt guilty about it. He did have a conscience of his own, he just also happened to be weak at heart. His urges always spoke louder, no matter how much both of them tried to silence them. This time, he could sense that there was more than just arousal fueling his work. The elderly man felt that he needed to concentrate on something else, distract himself with a project that could take his mind off of what he desired most. But that desire was right there, before his eyes, embedded in the craft... it wasn't a mere coincidence that the latest toy worked on happened to be shaped like a young boy. Geppedo applies the finishing touches to this doll, making sure the limbs are articulate, that the eyes and mouth are drawn on. He dresses up the puppet and gives it a wig made out of horsehair. And it's perfect. A true masterpiece. Geppedo caresses the toy's wooden cheeks and starts to tear up. He gazes into the innocence that he somehow seems to find in the drawn-on eyes and lets the tears flow down freely. He wishes they could wash the sin away... Jizzinme does his best to bring a tissue - that's considerably bigger than he is - over to his only friend in the world. Geppedo takes it and wipes away his tears. He then goes over to the window, opens it and lets his face feel the fresh breeze on the outside. "What is troubling you?" the Cricket asks. "As if you don't know... Same old, same old. The guilt. The remorse. The disgust. I should just put myself out of my misery." "Please don't speak that way," Jizz begs of him, "I still believe in you, that you can be a good man, and what you need most is to believe in yourself." "After all this time, what's the point?" Geppedo wonders. He closes his eyes and makes a wish... Rather inadvertently, if one might say so. He just... wishes that he could get help. That a miracle could maybe be bestowed upon him and set him on a path of righteousness. He knows he can't do it alone... Above him, a bright blue star starts to shine brighter in the night sky. He opens his eyes and notices the glow growing in size. Almost as if the star is approaching him. His jaw drops when he sees that it is! The star eventually turns into a pint-sized flying woman, a fairy in a blue dress - with a generous cleavage - holding a wand, and smiling at him. "Worry not, Geppedo. You asked for a miracle. And a miracle you shall get." Geppedo moves away from the window, letting the fairy come in through it, and she poofs herself into a normal stature. "How do you...?" "I could hear you. Your heart spoke to me in volumes." "The star..." "Yes, Geppedo," the Boob Fairy explains, "That was my star. The Boob Star." Jizz and Gep both look on with awe as she twirls her wand in the air and then taps the top of the puppet's head with it. And then the miracle happens... The wooden boy comes to life - surprise surprise! - and his eyes gain an immediate glow, his mouth opens and his limbs start to move. He looks at Geppedo and utters his very first word: "Papa..." Geppedo rubs his eyes. The Boob Fairy smiles with delight over another job well done, as Jizzinme simply wonders how she can just bring inanimate objects to life, to which she tells him that's actually a very easy and common magic trick. "But the real magic comes later," she tells the boy, catching everyone's attention as she addresses him, "You have been instilled with life, son. But you're still made of wood. Practically everything about you is as you were built. But there is hope for more... One day, my friend, if you choose to remain selfless, brave and true, you might just become a real boy... But you'll have to work hard to earn that." "I will!" the boy says, "I want to. I want to become a real boy, more than anything!" "Then hopefully one day you'll get your biggest wish come true," the Boob Fairy tells him, smiling all the while. Geppedo scratches his head, confused at what is even happening, for it is all moving so fast. "I... I have a son now..." He needs to let this sink in. Assimilate it. "Hi. What's your name?" the puppet asks the cricket flying around his face. "Why, tis Jizzinme Cricket, son! But you can call me 'Jizz' for short. Or you can just call me 'friend'. But more importantly, what is your name?" The boy is caught off-guard by this. "I... I don't know." "Geppedo," the Boob Fairy calls, "What shall you name your son?" "My son..." Geppedo looks at the lovely, doe-eyed child before him, who doesn't look to be older than 12, and eventually says, with his typical thick Italian-esque accent, "Pornocchio... How about Pornocchio?" "Has a lovely ring to it," Jizz tells him. The fairy nods. "I love it..." the puppet says, smiling. A wide, beautiful, white smile, contrasting with his brown face. "Pornocchio... Oh, my... Welcome to the family, Pornocchio." Geppedo opens his arms to embrace his son. Pornocchio gladly hugs his father. A new tear flows down the toy maker's face, but this time he cries about something else entirely. Happiness. Love. The child cherishes his father's embrace. The fairy and the Cricket are touched. An aura of glowing innocence fills the workshop. Not even the old man's budding erection seems to affect it...

ONCE UPON A PENIS

Act I[edit | edit source]

"There's no place like home..." Rena Charming utters as he walks through the main entrance to the blue palace. He felt the urge to let out that iconic phrase as soon as he made it past the bridge, and then was immediately reminded that, well, that wasn't exactly his home. "It is," she tells him, almost as though she just heard what he was thinking - they are that in sync - "It is home. There's no place like it alright." Cinderali kisses him tenderly on the cheek and they exchange the kind of sugary sweet smiles those not in love would roll their eyes at. "Move it, lovebirds, or I'ma drop all this junk on yo feet!" Blow White cuts in between them, carrying with her several boxes taken from the banana carriage. "Blow, just ask my helpers to give you a hand," Ali suggests, to which the pearly-white princess replies, "Ain't nobody putting their peasant hands on ma Ben Wa balls that I made from the dwarfs' diamonds!" She walks up the stairs, back to her bedroom. The Dog makes his way to his own bedroom as well, and Pornocchio informs the lovey-dovey couple that he'll be taking his family back to their cottage in the woods before settling back into the room Ali gave him. "Whatever are you getting at?" Ali asks him, "Pornocchio, your family is more than welcome to stay with us, here, there's plenty of room." "R-really?" the boy asks, timidly. "Of course," Ali's eyes meet Geppedo's, as she tells him, "We are all family now. We've fought side by side and had each other's backs during trying times. My doors are open to anyone willing to help our cause." Every one of them thanks her profusely for her kindness, and she tells them to make nothing of it. "And Bellend, the same goes for you," the benevolent princess tells the bookworm. "The fuck it does!!" Blow's shrieking voice is heard coming from upstairs, "If that bitch so much as lies down on a bed in this palace she's waking up inside the pond with a stomach full of rocks!!" Belle scoffs at this, and Ali giggles and tells her not to mind Blow. Belle grabs her hands and says, "I appreciate that very much, but I have a home of my own I can't wait to get back to: my library. That's where my heart is. Rest assured that whenever you need help I'll do my best to be useful." Ali thanks her with her eyes, and tells her she'll ask a coachman to drive her back to the book store with her things. Porn then tells Belle he'll be meeting with her there soon. He recounts that Maleficunt told him the only thing she can do regarding his father's "sickness" is give him plants to numb it. "I didn't know you were sick," Rena comments, turning his attention to Geppedo, "Is it serious?" The old man is ashamed: "It's, um, a fairly recent development, so we still don't know for sure." Porn, Belle and Jizz all look down. "Anyway," Porn continues, "I obviously can't afford to pay for her cure, but maybe you and I can look for plants that would have the same effect in your books." Belle nods, and Ali cuts in: "Pornocchio, look... I really don't like the idea of you associating yourself in any way with Maleficunt, but I would gladly give you whatever money you need. The vaults of this palace are full." "They are?!" Blow screams from upstairs once more, "Then why the fuck am I pleasing myself with months-old dildos right now?! Bitch pay up!!" Ali promptly ignores her once more and keeps telling the wooden boy he can get the money from her. Porn tears up slightly and moves to hug her.

Geppedo keeps finding himself forced to wipe away his tears as he prepares his son's very first meal in a flashback. "What are you making, papa?" Pornocchio asks, with wide-eyed innocence. "My very special meat loaf. It's a bitch to make, but so worth it. Oh, I'm sorry, Pornocchio! You shouldn't say that word." "'Meat loaf'?" "Um... yeah." The Boob Fairy, who's still around, asks to have a conversation with Geppedo on the side, so the old man asks Jizzinme Cricket to step in and maybe have Pornocchio help him. The toy maker and the leader of the fairies exit the kitchen into the living room, and he has to thank her once more for her kind gesture. "It doesn't come without an ulterior motive, I do have to say," the Boob Fairy confesses, "Geppedo, I am entirely aware of your... condition." Geppedo's eyes grow bigger in size and then he lowers his head in shame. "Worry not, I know all too well how it isn't your fault," the Fairy tells him, "Your condition is made up of pure evil but you are not responsible for it, for the feelings and urges that overcome you. But you are responsible whenever you act out on them. I gave you a son, Geppedo, because I wanted you to understand what a child's innocence consists of. I wanted you to understand how horrible it is when people like you taint that innocence." Geppedo nods along, understandingly, hanging on her every word with a mix of sorrow and guilt. "In addition to that, you can't very well violate a child that's made of wood, so I kept him that way for the sake of his protection. And I lied to him, which is something I don't like to do, but I wanted to preserve his innocence even further: he can't just become a real boy by being selfless, brave and true. It can also only happen when it's made sure that you're no longer a threat to his or anyone's safety." "But..." Geppedo looks at the boy in the kitchen, who looks back and smiles at his father, "But I've had this problem for as long as I can remember, back when I was just a young man. If I never change, then my Pornocchio can't have his wish come true." "Then you're just gonna have to make sure you do change. For him." Geppedo nods again, this time more firmly, and tells her he understands, and promises that he will. The Boob Fairy turns pint-sized again and flies out the window. Geppedo sighs, and gets back in the kitchen with his family.

Despite having been there before, Pornocchio still feels himself getting a chill down his spine as he stands at the entrance to Maleficunt's dark palace, with its jagged towers piercing into the purple sky above it. The front gate has been lowered to welcome his arrival, as though whatever dark magic surrounding it knows all too well that he doesn't pose a threat. Inside its dark and musty walls, he calls out for the powerful sorceress, who poofs herself into view in the distance. "Welcome back," she tells him, "It had been so long, I didn't think you actually would return." Her eerie voice echoes down the hall and the boy gets another chill. Pornocchio explains that he's been kept busy by a series of unfortunate events, but he eventually came upon the money she had asked to pay for her product. He takes out a bag containing many gold coins and it immediately disappears from his hand in a cloud of purple smoke. It poofs back into existence in Maleficunt's own left hand. She leans her ceptre against a wall and examines the bag's contents. "Magnificent," she lets out, "Alright. I shall now provide you with a list of items you need to gather in order for me to complete the spell. I have most of what I need in my vault, but some things you'll need to get for yourself. Only the pure-hearted can obtain them..." Pornocchio agrees to do whatever it takes. As she starts to write down what he needs, he feels compelled to thank her for being so much kinder and helpful than people make her out to be. "You've already paid me, there's hardly a need for brown-nosing," Maleficunt lets him know. "I'm not brown-nosing, I'm showing you genuine appreciation." The witch looks back up at him from the list, and shows confusion in her face. "...You're not used to that, are you?" Pornocchio asks. "No one ever seems to appreciate anything I do. They just think of me as a beast ever since I placed that curse on she who shall not be named." "Princess Whorora?" The innocent mention of her name forces Maleficunt to send a blast of purple energy towards the wooden puppet that has him flying off his feet. He twists and bends on the floor as waves of some sort of electric shock rustle through his body. "She shall not be named by anyone!" Maleficunt tells him. "I'm sorry!!!" Porn screams and squeals as the shocks overpower him, but then they stop. "Anyway," Mal finishes the list and gives it to him, "Here you go. Meet me back here when you've gathered everything." The list poofs up next to Pornocchio, still lying on the floor in a respectable distance, and she envelops herself in a cloud of purple smoke and disappears. The boy picks up the list and prepares to exit the palace, but not before a third chill tingles down his spine.

In the front garden of the golden castle, the recently "revived" Princess Abigoat can be seen playing with the same red ball she'd recently played with in the company of her brother, only this time she is joined by the Imp... and the Mini-Imp. "I just can't believe the Dark One created a little brother for you," she tells the Imp, "It's actually so nice of him." "I guess the Dark One isn't as bad as he's cracked out to be," the Imp comments as he catches the ball, "Also, is it me or is Rumpleforeskin actually really cute, tehe?" Abigoat giggles at this. The Mini-Imp - who is deaf - jumps up to catch the ball once it's thrown at him, and he promptly tosses it back at Abigoat, abusing force. The ball hits her on the right side of the torso and lightly hurts her. "Ow!" she says; "Careful, my precious," the Imp tells his feces-made brother, "Fair play always." The Mini-Imp appears to ignore this. Abigoat tosses the ball at the Imp, as she comments on what a shame it is that the Mini-Imp can't talk, to which the Imp says that may be for the best - the Evil Queer is always saying how annoying he is, so to have a second gleefully obnoxious poop servant in the castle might be too much to handle. They resume their game, and everytime the Mini-Imp throws the ball he uses too much strength. The two others keep correcting. Abigoat tries to shake it off and says that it's also too bad Joshooa isn't there to play with them, and actually meet the Mini-Imp, but the Imp reminds her that His Faggesty had to leave to take care of some business with King Lionfart, but he left Midass in charge of everything at home. Abby is pleased to know that her brother and father seem to be getting along better and better, and as this thought crosses her mind, she becomes too distracted to catch the ball tossed at her by the Mini-Imp, which goes too high above her head and with too much force, as per usual, and breaks through one of the windows of the castle. "OH NOOOO!!" the Imp screams as he notices the damage, now fearing the Queer's reaction. The Mini-Imp squeals with delight.

"Pizza..." Cinderali repeats, after Rena's told her what he's preparing for the two of them, "I suppose I like the sound. And the look of it." "I just don't understand how this world works," Rena tells his girlfriend, "You have showers and TVs and mother-effing game consoles but not pizza?! Pizza is like... I mean... You just gotta have pizza!" As he punches the dough over the kitchen counter, Ali looks on with amazement, letting him know she's excited to try it. "It's delicious," he assures her, "You're never gonna want for anything else again. And my wife used to tell me I make the best p..." He stops on his track. And stops working the dough. But then he resumes what he was doing, slower this time, hoping to just be able to go on without touching the topic again. "Go on," she tells him, "Please." Rena looks back to face her. "Ali..." "You're married?" she asks, the gleeful look having faded from her face, "In your world?" "Was married," Rena emphasizes, "I'm not anymore. I wasn't already when I got here. I... Our marriage ended. Divorce." "Oh," she tells him, "Why haven't you told me this before?" "It's really not something I like to talk about..." Rena explains, "It's depressing to me. And things with you were going so well, I wanted to focus on that and let go of the past. It's not like I was keeping a big secret, the opportunity to bring it up just never really happened." "It's not a small secret either," she tells him. "Oh come on, you were married too, what's the big deal?" Ali is surprised by his lack of consideration. "Rena, you've known I was married ever since we met. I don't expect you, or want you, to disclose of all of your past romantic relationships, but a marriage is a big deal." "Fine, I'm sorry, whatever," he bluntly tells her. Pause. "'Whatever'?" "Can we just get back to the pizza?" Pornocchio returns to the palace and walks past the kitchen. "Hey, Ali, thanks again, Maleficunt gave me a list of the items I need for her to prepare the cure, I'm gonna work on getting them." Ali is caught off-guard by his cameo, and she shakes off her confused look and tells him he's welcome. "Do you need any help?" Rena asks, to which the boy tells him he's got it covered, he's gone to extreme lengths to help his father before but this looks pretty easy. "Let me guess, you've ended up inside some big-ass whale or in a pleasure island of sorts," Rena tries. "I... don't know how you know about the whale, and it wasn't an island, Rena: it was a peninsula." Rena gasps and almost drops the dough on the floor. Porn goes away, and Ali asks her boyfriend if they can get back to the talk about his wife. "What do you wanna know? Are you gonna ask if she was prettier than you?" Rena wonders. Ali doesn't know how to respond to this; "No... I... I think I'm gonna go. Suddenly I don't feel like having pizza anymore." She walks out of the kitchen, and Rena looks aggravated. "Damn it...!" He throws the dough to the floor and follows after her. "Ali, wait!" Meanwhile, the focus shifts to the Big Bad Dog, who had been standing there all along grating cheese for the meal. "Well, nothing about that wasn't insanely awkward."

Elsewhere in the blue palace, Blow helps herself to her own private cheese platter up in her ensuite, stuffing her face while standing in front of what would appear to the average viewer to just be your common wall-mirror. She looks around, admiring her perfect figure, scoffing down some more cheese, and then clears her throat, for she's got business to tend to. "Vagic Mirror on the wall, who's got the most fapulous pussy of them all?" And it's then that the mirror lights up, revealing itself to not be your common wall-mirror after all, but displaying the face of an attractive looking man. In perhaps his mid-20s with some scruff, he's got a tortured look in his eyes as he sighs at the sight presented before him: the ratchet princess who caused his imprisonment. "You, Blow White, have the..." he cringes, "most fapulous pussy of them all." "Aw, thanks, boo!" Blow waves her hand, flattered, and the man behind the mirror sighs. "You stole me from the Evil Drag Queen as revenge for the apple turnover, I get it, but are you ever going to try and get my curse lifted so I can get out of here? Hell, you left me alone in here for days! At least Vegina had the courtesy to come visit..." "Boi, I've been under a lotta stress lately, thanks for askin'!" Blow scoffs, "That pillow biter drove us outta the castle and on the run, causing a buncha shiz I no longer remember, but all I know is I was stuck wipin' my ass with leaves and I vaguely recall burning a wooden boy to a crisp. Have I ridden him yet? I know I wanted to. Hmm, needa make that happen soon..." "Blow," the Mirror tries to get his captor back on track. "Right, right... Anyways, yeah, that. Also His Faggesty met with me and wants me to screw over alla mah friends, so there's that." "Well, that's a very troubling tale," the Mirror responds, not actually caring all that much, and Blow sighs, telling her captive she wishes she had someone else to talk to. "Could try talking to your friends," Mirror suggests, then snidely remarking, "Wait, no, because you're thinking about fucking them all over. God, you're a bitch." "Damn, you really don't know how to charm a girl into granting you your freedom, do you?" Blow exclaims, insulted. "You were a fucking nigger, Blow White!" the Mirror barks, "You should be naturally sympathetic to someone in my position." "Yawn, bored already," Blow feigns a yawn, but then she considers something. "Wait a second," she turns back to her captive, "Nigger..." She contemplates that word, and a smile spreads across her face. "Mama..." she utters, expressing a look of relief, as well as that of a revelation.

Act II[edit | edit source]

In what appears to be an endless field, many black folk are seen picking cotton in a rather large plantation, and we focus on one in particular. It's an elderly woman, most likely the oldest soul there, and she's hunched over, picking the soft plant and placing it in a basket. Despite many of the other blacks offering to pick up the slack and do her job for her, she denies this, not because she wants to burden anyone, but because she doesn't want to burden herself. Should she step back, quit working, and just live out her days with no purpose, that would be the greatest burden of all. The greatest punishment one could inflict upon her. Mama Hodie is nothing without her work, and since Rumpleforeskin put an end to her practice of witchcraft, well, what else is she to do? The Dark One looks down at Hodie as she picks the cotton, giving an eerie smile knowing that he's deprived the elderly woman of her gifts, for she's capable of being the most powerful nigger in all the land. However, the peaceful silence of watching the cotton picking is interrupted when the neighing of horses is heard in the not-so-distance, and Rumple sees Blow White's infamous banana carriage arriving on the plantation, pulling up to Mama Hodie. He watches as Blow steps out, embracing her mother-figure in a warm hug.
Blow and Mama Hodie are next seen sipping tea inside of Rumple's Dark Castle, per Blow's instructions as she's a damn princess, and she's not scared of no Dark One. "Been a long time since you paid Mama a visit," Hodie says to the former negro, then acknowledging her daughter-figure's change of skin tone. "White looks good on you. What is it, pimple pus?" "Dwarf semen," Blow corrects, and Hodie nods in satisfaction. "Smart girl. I've know folk who experimented with pus, but it turned them a yellow-y color after a couple months. Bitch looked like an off-brand Moolan." Blow chuckles at this, but fears that it's about time they get down to business. "Mama..." she says, "I need some advice." "Hmm, you gon' listen this time?" Hodie questions, "It ain't gon' be like that time I warned you against bein' friends with that lil' devil of a white girl way back when, is it?" Blow shakes her head, and so Mama Hodie ushers that she get on with it, which Blow does. She assumes Hodie has heard of the Evil Queer's curse, which she has, to turn all men gay and eradicate all women. She explains her recent shenanigans with Ali and the ever-growing occupation of the blue palace, their brief trip on the run, and how the Queer privately approached her. "He said if I were to... act as his person on the inside... well, his curse can spare one woman. And he's willing to let me be that woman." "Uh-huh..." Hodie nods, taking all of this in, and Blow cries out that she doesn't know what to do. "Ali's my best friend, Mama! But... I don't wanna die. And even in a world of polesmokers, I'm confident I could get me some good ole D. I'm quite persuasive, yunno?" "Oh, my dear child, I wish I didn't... but alas, I do." "So what should I do?" Blow asks, one more time, and Hodie puts down her cup of tea to reach across the table and take Blow's hand and look into her eyes. "Listen to me, hun," she says to the pearly-white princess, "It don't matter who these people are or what they done for you in the past: you gotta look for you." Blow is, in all honesty, taken aback by these words of advice. "Now, now, I get having love and friendship and alla that," Hodie makes clear, "But at the end of the day, the only one you can be certain truly has your back is you. Do what you need to in order to survive, and then - and only then - do you go back and help others. If you really wanna live through that curse, then you do what you gotta do... even if that means betraying your friends." Before Blow can respond, however, an eerie laugh is heard, and the two women witness a puff of smoke as Rumpleforeskin appears in their presence. "Ooh, how scandalous!" the Dark One laughs, "Blow White, self-proclaimed BFF to Princess Cinderali, prepared to fuck her and everyone she loves right in the arse!" Blow rolls her eyes while Hodie tells the Dark One to get lost. "You shan't be so rude," Rumple tells the elderly black woman, pointing out that it's he who gets to decide whether or not she ever performs witchcraft again, and so she goes meek. "Didn't gotta worry bout shit like this back when Crapunzel was around..." Hodie mutters under her breath, and Rumple turns his direction back to Blow, who asks if the Dark One plans to spill the beans about her liaisons with the Queer to Ali and the others or not. "Why, I would do no such thing!" Rumple exclaims, almost insulted, "That'd be far too convenient which, it appears you've all not yet caught onto the fact that, I am not." He lets out his iconic, eerie laugh, and Hodie asks Blow: "Who even besides Ali would you be screwing over anyway?" And so, Blow and Rumple each think about this. "The Savior," Rumple names for one, who Blow admits to not feeling so bad about considering that fact that he somewhat rejected her, though Rumple points out that she retracted her "dibs", not that Blow cares to accept that as truth. "There's also the Dog," she says, "and that wooden boy." "Plus his whole extended family," Rumple adds. "Oh, and of course that bitch, Bellend," Blow finishes, and Rumple nods... but then shakes his head, confused. "Wait, what...?" he utters, and Blow nods. "Bitch had a thing for books and horses. Was very grating, and I wanted to throttle her the entire time." "I see..." Rumple utters, though he does not see. He's never seen Bellend before, nor heard of her. Odd. "Well, this was fun. Off to tend to some... Dark One-related business. Ciao." And Rumple poofs away, leaving Blow and Hodie alone again. "So you think you know what you gonna do?" the elderly woman asks the princess, who nods. "I think I do."

Geppedo settles into his new bedroom, assigned to him by the kind blonde princess. He has just scooped up the housewarming gift left to him by the other princess, a steaming pile of excrement by the bedside, and he is now getting done unpacking. Once he finishes this, he lies down on the big, comfortable bed, and imagines how nice it would be to violate children on it. Wait. What? No. Bad, bad Geppedo. This he thinks to himself. It certainly can't be healthy that that's the first place his mind went to. "Hey, papa," Pornocchio's sweet voice calls from the entrance to the room, "Just wanted to let you know I'm halfway done on getting you a cure." Geppedo sits up on the bed and thanks him. Porn prepares to walk off, and his father calls him back: "No, seriously, Pornocchio," he continues, with his heavy accent, "Thank you. So much." Porn nods, smiling and feeling proud. He goes, and Geppedo knows he just has to keep his mind off of his urges for a while longer. Or go out and pork a boy and make it count because hey he's never gonna do that ever again. Wouldn't you want your last meal to be delicious? No, no, no! Bad little pedophile! He sighs. And he wishes he had erectile dysfunction like so many men his age. But no, that thing in his pants won't go down until it's quenched. And he knows this. He gets up and leaves the bedroom.
Finding himself trying to conceal his erection as he walks through the street fair where the princesses always go shopping, Geppedo tries to look up from the little children playing ball near him. One of them kicks the ball right next to his feet, however, and goes to get it. Geppedo picks up the ball. The boy takes it from his hand and thanks him for giving it back... before noticing who it is. His face changes from one of nonchalant pleasantness to one of absolute horror. "Pass the ball, Dom Thumb!" one of his friends calls for him. "Get out of here, you little tease!!" Gep lashes out. The boy is startled and runs away. The old man keeps on walking, and his attention is caught by an old prostitute advertising her services on the busy streets. "Come! Come take a trip around the world! Come all ye on me!" An old fisherman's wife starts to throw rocks at the old whore, chasing her away, and Geppedo follows after her.
"Five dollhairs an hour," the prostitute tells Geppedo as they make it to an alley nearby. "Wow, you're cheap," he tells her, to which she responds, with a disjointed way of talking - a clear indicator she's not okay in the ole noggin -, that she knows she's hardly a sought-after beauty, so she settles for being an affordable whore. "Name's Jezeball," she tells him, "What's your name, handsome?" "Worry not for that," Geppedo tells her as he puts a five dollhair bill on her right hand, "Just... work your thing on me." Jezeball proceeds to unbutton his pants, and he is disheartened to realize his erection is no longer present. She doesn't make much of it, however, and starts to do what she thinks she does best. But after a good fifteen minutes of using her mouth and hands and - for some reason - ears, no effect is reached. "Got problems, do ya, chap?" the whore tells him, "You should go back to the market and buy a bottle of 'Red Ball' from the gypsys. Gives your dick wings." "You just suck at this!" Geppedo lashes out at the haggard old woman, whose face is scarred by the marks of disease. "Hey, I may not be much of a person, much of a woman or much of a prostitute, but yes!" He pulls his pants back up and leaves, irritated. And frustrated. And then he sees the silverlining when he realizes his arousal is now fully gone. So no more nasty thoughts cloud his mind. He smiles.

In flashback, Geppedo spruces up his son, getting him ready for his very first day of school. Despite looking like he should be in middle school already, Pornocchio is about to start elementary school. Jizzinme Cricket has his reservations about the wooden boy going to school with normal kids, for he knows children can be cruel, but the fact that Pornocchio should be taller than the other boys in his class calms him - he should be able to defend himself. Pornocchio's books are tied together with a leather string, and his papa places an apple in his hand. "Now go on, Pornocchio, and enjoy your first day," Geppedo tells him; "Yes, papa!" Pornocchio heads on out the door. Jizz wonders if he should maybe accompany him on his way to school, but the old man believes Porn should start doing things by himself.
Anastupid and Dumbella Trampaine show off their legs in an open street in the morning, as though they are hitchhiking, when in reality they are trying to sell their bodies. "Wanna take a trip around the... the..." "World." "Oh my God I'd love to take a trip around the world. Can we do that? How long would it take? Like 79 days?" "Probably." The two continue hooking on the same corner of the street. You see, the Trampaine brothel has recently closed down by order of the beloved prince and princess of El Horado, and the two sisters found themselves forced to make a living somehow, now that their mother's main source of income had dried up. A man walks by the two of them, and Anastupid tries to put on a sexy pose but her affected balance causes her to trip and fall into her sister's arms. "Ooo, stay like that, men love girl-on-girl stuff!" "You know what we need? We need a cup!" "Why?" "Well, there's two girls, but no cup." "...You are absolutely right." Another man walks past them, and they ask in unison if he'd like to have sex with them. "I'd pay not to have sex with you!!" the man blurts out. "Well, so do!!" Ana says, loudly, and Ella calms her sister down, telling her not to worry, they're zeroing in on their first customer. A third man walks by, they make the same proposal, and he tells them, "Eat shit, grimalkins!!" "Who are you calling a... a that?!" Ella shouts after him as he walks on, "Do I look like your dog?" "Oh my God, you got him!!" "Right?!" They high-five each other. "I swear to God, we are the queens of comeback. Like Mariah Cavitey." "We're so on fire I can't even. I wanna even but I can't, I just can't!" "Maybe you should odd." "Will you odd with me?" "Done and done!" This said, they don't do anything. Pornocchio walks by, carrying his shiny apple and his books, and greets them casually. "What... in the hell... are you?" Dumbella queries him. "Why, I am Pornocchio. Son of Geppedo the toy maker. I'm on my way to school right now." "You're made of wood," Ana states. "And you're made of crust," Porn responds innocently. "How can you talk?" Ella wonders, and Porn explains that he was imbued with life by the Boob Fairy's magic. "Well, lovely talking to you two fine gentlemen, but I must be on my way." He resumes hopping along on his way to school, and Ana and Ella get an idea. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "Totally." "Oh my God thank God cos I totally forgot what I was thinking." "We should kidnap that kid and put on a show! People would pay a pretty penny to watch a puppet that walks, talks and... maybe does other things on his own." "Oh my God yes I am such a genius!! Mother will be so proud!" "Let's do it!!" The two horrid sisters rush towards Pornocchio and grab him by his wooden arms. "Hey!! Hey!! What are you doing?!" The boy screams as the human gargoyles drag him with them against his will.

Rena Charming sits on the couch in the living room, watching MV, and the Dog joins him and asks if they can have a talk. Rena lowers the volume and agrees, and starts by telling him he's sorry he had to witness his fight with Ali. "How is she, by the way?" "Still won't talk to me," Rena answers, "It's like, the first fight we've had. Sucks." The Dog nods, and asks him why he didn't tell her he'd been married before. "Jesus, will anyone get off my back? I just didn't, it's not like I have to lay down my whole life for the world to know. That's what was so great about coming to this land in the first place, that I could let go of all that and start anew." "Why do you want to start anew so bad, though?" Rena asks what he means by this, and the Dog tells him, "Rena, it's just... You crossed realms. You went from being in the land where you were born, where you grew up and lived your whole life, where you were used to things being a certain way and to living with certain people, including your wife... You came to a strange new world where everything was new and different. That would be a frightful notion for most people, but you took to it so well. Makes one wonder, maybe things really weren't so good for you back home?" "They weren't..." Rena tells his friend through gritted teeth, "Not that that's any of your business." "Don't you ever miss your land?" "I'm fine." "Alright," the Dog caves in, "Another subject, then. You made it perfectly clear to me that you lost the woman you loved. Your wife, I take it. In circumstances similar to how I lost Anitta. So, I'm guessing the story is the same as mine: she was murdered. Right?" Rena is unwilling to answer. The Dog continues: "What I can't shake is that you still won't open up about it." "Took you a long-ass time to open up about Anitta too," Rena throws in his face. "But I did," the Dog reminds him, "It took me a long time to discuss it for a wide variety of reasons. Because it hurts me. Because I barely knew you. Because I was afraid that you might think I did it like most people seem to. But I did ultimately trust you. And I appreciate you getting me to come out and say it. But even after all this time has passed since I let you know what happened, you have yet to tell me what your story is. And you didn't even tell Ali, your girlfriend, about it either." "What are you getting at again?" Rena spits, "Because I'm getting bored." "What I'm getting at, Rena, is that I did eventually tell you the truth because I know my conscience is clear. I didn't kill Anitta. I am innocent." Rena crosses his arms as he hears this and the Dog asks him, "Are you?"

Some time ago, the venerable King Midass had sprinted throughout the halls of the castle, hand on its walls, painting them gold. This time, the Mini-Imp does something similar, running around with a red crayon, leaving behind him an orange line that runs several yards. The Imp runs after him screaming "No no no nononono stop that!!"
Not much later, the Mini-Imp enters one of the many living rooms and starts throwing glass vases and jars around, shattering them all. The Imp barges him. "Mini-Me!! Mini-Me, stop!!"
The Mini-Imp is then shown coming in the castle from the muddy gardens, leaving footsteps of mud and animal excrement on the floor. The Imp almost cries with despair. "Sweetie, whyyyyy?..."
Lastly, the Mini-Imp is seen stooped up on a bench, sodomizing a golden knight who is bent over, pants down, screaming with pain. The Imp catches them in the act. "That's... actually acceptable around here, carry on."
Eventually, the Imp sits down on the garden outside, rests his face on his hands and starts to sob. Abigoat finds him, having come outside to read a book, and sits down next to him. "What's wrong, Imp?" she inquires, and he immediately places his head in her lap, surprising her. "H-he n-never d-does a-anything I-I t-tell h-him t-to d-do." "You mean the Mini-Imp?" He blows his nose on her dress, mildly disgusting her, and nods affirmatively. "Well, I... I suppose it is now your job to discipline him. Just like my brother must have disciplined you." "So I should insert cattle rods in my little brother's rectum? I don't think I'd enjoy that nearly as much as His Majesty." Abigoat is shocked and confused. "Um... maybe you don't have to go that far. You know, I do remember... there was this one incident some time ago, when my brother was... well, when he was young, and so was I, which I still am, but... anyway, my father, he didn't like the way Josh acted, so he punished him by damaging something Josh really liked, my dolls. I don't agree with his motives, but his methods sure were effective. You need to maybe punish the Mini-Imp by taking away something he loves." "He hasn't grown attached to anything yet," the Imp explains, "He was literally born yesterday. The only thing he does is misbehave." "Well, then... you're gonna have to make sure he can't do that anymore." The Imp starts to ponder this...

In her cozy little library/book store in a clearing in the woods (as per usual), Bellend is immersed in one of her many books, standing behind the counter with the fascicle over it. Suddenly she gets a chill down her spine and looks up, immediately jumping with fright when she is faced with Rumpleforeskin. "Hello dearie," he greets her with his typical high pitch and yellow smile. "H-how did you come in, I-I didn't hear the..." She points at the tiny bell over the entrance that rings whenever the door is opened. "Never you mind that," the creature tells her, "You must be Bellend. Much... much prettier than I anticipated." She recomposes herself from her fright. "Y-yes, I am. Thank you? And you are?" Rumple giggles. "And to think," he says, "There once was a time when I wouldn't give out my name to anyone who didn't earn it. I suppose it makes no difference now." He takes a bow and introduces himself as "Rumpleforeskin." "You're the Dark One..." Belle comments, filled with curiosity; "I take it you heard about me," he comments sardonically. "Who hasn't?" she gets out from behind the counter, "I have an entire collection of books in the upper area on the Dark One mythology." She points at the said area, from which Friar Fuck can be seen coming down the steps, a book under his arm. "Did you find what you were looking for?" Belle asks the man of faith, who shows her his book. "Be careful," she goes on to tell him, "That book is very dangerous. In the wrong hands, it has led to unspeakable horrors, such as blood sacrifices, public burnings and mass genocide." The Friar tells her he is only taking it with him out of sheer curiosity, an innate interest in the subject matter, and thus he leaves with his copy of the Bible. Belle turns her attention back to Rumple: "But there is so little one actually knows about you. None of my books have much to say about 'Rumpleforeskin'." "I find that with a teensy bit of mystery, every persona is made all the more interesting," he tells her, "It's actually why I am here. Because I don't know anything about you either, my dear." Belle looks confused, and even more curious. "Why would you want to know anything about me? I'm a simple librarian." "You have affiliated yourself with some... let's call them friends of mine, recently. And yet, I wasn't clued in on your contributions to our beloved gang of heroes. Just wanna make sure I get the 411 on you." Belle gets back behind the counter, closing the book she was reading in the process. "Well... ask me anything you wish to know." Rumple twiddles his thumbs, excitedly. "Alrighty then... Hmm... How long have you had this place?" "Not that long, I suppose. A couple of years, give or take. It was a present I gave myself, and I figured I could make some money off of it." "Are you married?" he then asks, noticing the wedding ring on her finger. "Oh," she notices what he's looking at, "No, actually, this, um, I keep it as a reminder not to get married. Ever. Again." "Again?" Rumple looks intrigued; "I was married one time," she explains, "You see, a long time ago, a powerful witch told me I would one day fall in love with a... a 'diamond in the rough', is how she put it. Someone who was very evil on the outside but very soft on the inside. And I'd help to change that person. So I married this... this beast. Thinking what people said about him couldn't be true. It was. Hell, the truth was even worse than what was said." Rumple nods. "Prophecies just don't come true sometimes," he comments, but Bellend promptly corrects him, "Oh, but I still believe this one will. Mama Hodie never gets it wrong. I will meet and fall in love with my diamond in the rough. And we will be happy. I just know it." Rumple takes this in. "One more question then," he prepares to shoot, "Just what is your interest in our heroes?" "I just wanna help," Belle smiles, "I spend all day everyday reading about heroics, daydreaming about what it'd be like if I could actually grab a sword and a shield and travel lands and defeat bad guys. With them, I feel like I can help to do that, and be a part of something special, something good." Rumple is amused. "What is your interest in them?" Belle asks in turn, and Rumple giggles at her nerve to question the Dark One. "Let's just say they're helping me to write a story," the creature answers, "The greatest story ever told, one might say." Belle's curiosity is piqued. He thanks her for answering his questions and proceeds to turn around to leave, but she stops him: "Hey, wait! This story..." He turns back around to face her. "...Am I in it?" she finishes. "Not yet, dearie," Rumple tells her, "But I think you'd make quite the interesting addition." This said, he vanishes in a grey cloud. Belle is left smiling out a corner of her mouth.

Pornocchio finds himself back in his father's cottage, in the small storage room in the back, going through crates of things his dad had collected over the years, mainly related to his line of work. He searches for something personal of Geppedo's, that holds value to him, to use for the spell, but is unsure of what to use. You see, Pornocchio hadn't actually spent much time getting to know his father, for his mischiefs, adventures and the quest to cure him had always somehow led to them spending more time apart than together. The young boy rummages through old marionettes, clocks, finds a pipe wrapped up in a pied cloak, but nothing that he feels could be close to the old man's heart. Until he stumbles upon an old sled... with the name "Rosebud", just like the prolapsing effect from serial bottoming. He remembers his father once telling him, on a cold winter's night, how he used to love sliding down the hills on his precious sled, that his own father had made for him. "This'll do," Porn says to himself.

"This'll do, I suppose," Lady Trampaine says before sighing, in a flashback. Before her, in the very marketplace where Cinderali usually can be seen doing her shopping, Anastupid and Dumbella Trampaine have set up a shoddy-looking stage, with a big sign that reads "Wuden Pupete: He tolks, he wolks, he cings!" The two girls look mighty proud of themselves as Pornocchio just looks terrified, standing in the center of the stage, shackled to the wooden boards below him. Lady Trampaine continues: "He better bring in some good money, we have two days to make the payment or we'll lose our mansion." "Relax, mother," Ana says, "No one's ever seen a wooden boy put on a show, people are gonna flip." "Yeah and the market's always like super full, we're gonna have a full house. Only, there's no house, cos it's open air. We're gonna have full air." "Your head is what's full of air, child," Lady Trampaine lets out, "Let's just get this... 'show', if you will, started." Porn flinches.
Some time later, as the afternoon rush kicks in and people get drawn in masses to the marketplace, Anastupid and Dumbella call out for their attention, ringing a cattle bell and screaming at them to come and witness something most astonishing, a real-life wooden marionette. A crowd gathers around the stage, as Lady watches from a safe distance, not wanting to associate herself with the spectacle any more should it be a bust. The people - especially the children - gasp and stare in awe at the young, shackled Pornocchio. "Do something," Ana beckons him. "Like what?" "He talks," someone says. "He sings!!" Ella adds, then turning to the boy, "Sing, thing. Now." "I-I only know one song, my papa taught me yesterday," Porn reveals; "Then sing it!" Pornocchio clears his throat and starts to sing.

Quote1.png
♪ "When you wish upon a dick

It will come, so long and thick
Anything your butt desires

Will cum on you" ♪
Quote2.png

The one thing the ugly stepsisters hadn't counted on was that Pornocchio's voice was so, so horrible. The townspeople cover their ears to protect themselves from the hoarse shrieking, and some of the little children run off in terror. "It's awful!!" "My ears are bleeding!!" "Boy I sure hope no one ever casts a musical curse over this realm!!" Ana and Ella look at the wooden boy with disappointment and disgust, and he cowers before them. From a distance, Lady Trampaine brings her hand to her forehead. "What else can you do?" Ana asks Porn, who shrugs his shoulders. The people grow anxious, demanding to see the spectacle they've laid out dollhairs in a hat for. "Hey!!" Ana shouts, "Who wants to see this tone-deaf abomination burn?!" The people cheer with enthusiasm, and Porn is frightened beyond belief.

Act III[edit | edit source]

Sitting outside the blue palace in the banana carriage, Blow White ponders things. She looks up at her home, thinking about the lives that take place inside of it and the people she cares about. She sighs, proceeding to step out of the carriage.
Blow is next seen in the backyard of Ali's palace where she sees the Dog on all-fours, growling and barking at the foot of a tree as a squirrel is perched on a high branch staring down at him. Blow sees this and looks around, proceeding to rip an apple from a branch on an adjacent tree and promptly throw it at the squirrel, knocking it to the ground. The Dog's eyes widen as he runs for it, now being his chance, but the squirrel regains enough consciousness to get up and run off, to the Dog's dismay. Blow shrugs. "I tried," she says, and the Dog thanks her. "Though I'd prefer you leave it up to me. Sucks a bit of the fun out of it when it's just handed to me," he admits, and Blow assures him that she'll keep that in mind in the future. "So what's up?" he asks the pearly-white princess, curious as to why she's being so nice all of a sudden, and so she shrugs again. "Just observing," she says, "You really are a dog, aren't you?" "Pardon?" the Dog questions, and so Blow elaborates further. "Well it's just I heard Rena talking to Ali earlier. Was saying that you is more or less his bitch. Does whatever he wants like a good dog would." "The fuck?!" Dog barks at Blow, who feigns awkwardness. "Maybe you weren't supposed to hear about that. Whoops," and she whispers, "but let's keep this on the down low. You didn't hear it from me." But the Dog just growls.
"Boo, you is naht gonna believe dis!" Blow hollers, entering Ali's chambers as she runs a brush through her beautiful blonde hair as a stress reliever following her earlier encounter with Rena. "What is it?" Ali questions, and so Blow begins another tall tale. "Well I was minding my own, helping myself to another cheese platter, leaving behind a bag of flamin' excrement for Mr. Geppedophile down the hall, when I dun heard that big bad dog tellin' yo man about your days in the ole whore-house." "Wh-what...?" Ali utters, feeling embarrassed. "I know!" Blow exclaims, "Damn dog can't keep nuffin' to himself. Don't worry, I dug up all his hidden bones and threw em in the Pactolussy river. Teach him to keep his damn mouth shut, amirite?" But Ali appears unnerved.
Then there's Rena, warming up a magicwave burrito because he's still hungry, even if they won't be having pizza. "Mhmmmmm..." Blow exclaims, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "What?" Rena asks, then sighing, saying that, fine, she can have it, but that it's the last one so she owes him. "Nah, boo, keep it," Blow says, though, after a pause, she changes her mind. "Actually, give it here," she says, taking the burrito from Rena and scoffing it down. Rena looks at the princess, depressed and hungry, and after she devours the heatable meal she gets back on topic. "Anyways, what I was here to say was, um... Oh! Yeah, the Dog been talkin' smack about you and alla that. Says your leadership skills are less than stellar, and also you got a weird-ass dick." "Ex-excuse me?" Rena utters, looking down at his crotch, feeling ashamed. "Yeah, mutt be saying that it's abnormal, even for this land, and it's embarrassing to have to explain it to people." "And who the hell does he have to explain my penis to?!" Rena wants to know, a question which Blow doesn't know the answer to. "You seem tense," she says to him, to which he replies, "Yeah, no shit. First Ali is upset, and now this?!" "Well..." Blow approaches the Savior, seductively biting her lip as she walks two of her fingers up his chest, "I don't have any beef with you... and I wouldn't mind having your beef in me." She gives him a wink, but he backs away.
And lastly we see three bags of flaming dog excrement aligned outside Pornocchio, Geppedo, and Jizzinme Cricket's shared chamber, each with tags signed off with the names of "Rena", "Dog", and "Ali". Blow admires her work, though decides to drop a fourth and even bigger bag with a tag reading "Blow", just so they know who's top bitch of this palace.

The chill travels down Pornocchio's spine as per usual, as he lets himself back inside Maleficunt's palace, the front gate having been lowered before his arrival once more. "Do you have it all?" her voice asks, accompanied by its sinister echo, before she actually materializes, this time from a swarm of ravens, rather than just a cloud of magic. "Y-yes," Pornocchio answers, trying hard to sound steady, but always uneased by her presence. "One would think you'd be accustomed to being around me by now," Mal comments as she descends the staircase, and he doesn't know how to answer; he simply holds out the bag containing all the ingredients she required of him. She opens the bag and admires its contents, which shan't be named because the story's author cannot be arsed with that. "Very well then," she tells him, "I shall prepare the potion and provide you with the guidelines for the rest of the spell." Porn looks confused: "So, I'll have to complete the spell myself?" "I'm afraid so, and this is where the 'but' comes up." "Crap..." Porn tells her. The sorceress explains: "Such evil urges can only be fought one way: they have to be replaced with kindness. Light. You're a young boy, a young hero, on a quest to save his father, as opposed to condemning him for who he is. You have proven yourself worthy." "Of what?" he queries. "Of sacrificing yourself..." Porn's eyes widen with fear, confusion and surprise as he hears this, and she explains to him that he must kill himself in order for his benevolent essence to be sucked in by the spell's magic and be transmitted into his father, to ward off his darkness. Porn's lips start to tremble. "I know this is a lot to ask," she tells him, "Which is why I didn't tell you before, I figured you'd back out. Now that I have my money, I can tell you there's no refunds. And if you don't want me to perform the spell, I'll just keep these ingredients you gathered for me; I can always use them for something else. Like giving she who shall not be named anal acne." Porn takes a few seconds to answer, but then decides on a rather firm "Yes!" "Excuse me?" "I mean, I-I'll do it. I'll perform the spell, I'll sacrifice myself. Just, just do it." She gives him a look. "I-I mean, d-do it please." She smiles, slightly, although that wasn't why she was looking down on him. The witch simply felt something for him or about him that she couldn't explain. Admiration perhaps?

"Kill it with fire!!" a loud voice shouts in a flashback, as Anastupid proceeds to unshackle Pornocchio, with Dumbella still holding him down. The crowd gathered around the stage chant and shout with enthusiasm as the two hideous women prepare to burn down the wooden marionette, who was deemed to be fascinating mere minutes ago, and is now regarded as atrocious and horrifying. One of the villagers brings forth a torch on fire and hands it to Dumbella. Lady Trampaine looks on with glee, and decides to join the party. She steps onto the stage and encourages the villagers to contribute to the show, and thus the people start filling up the hat with their hard-earned dollhairs. Pornocchio doesn't even notice the madam, however, as he tries to break free from the grasp of the troll maidens. "Papa!!" he shouts, scared out of his mind, "PAPA!!"
Elsewhere in the market, Geppedo can be seen doing his usual shopping, with Jizzinme Cricket hovering around him. He smells an avocado and it pleases him: "Ooh, I'm gonna enjoy biting down on this." He places it in his basket and pays the grocer one dollhair for it. "I wonder what that commotion is," the Cricket says as he notices the crowd shouting for someone to be burned alive. The curious onlookers approach the riot and are able to recognize Pornocchio's screams. Their eyes widen with fear and Geppedo drops the basket as they rush to his aid.
"Please don't do this," Pornocchio begs as he is tied up to a pole next to the stage. "Shut up, you imp, you're bringing us a lot of money," Ella tells him. "B-but why would you do this? You're such... you're such kind souls, I know it," Porn tries, never minding the growing bulge in his pants, "S-such beautiful women as yourselves must have kind hearts." The bulge grows bigger. Ana and Ella stop what they're doing. "You think we're beautiful?" Ana asks him, to which Porn nods, reluctantly, "Uh-huh". The button on his crotch flies off as his wooden penis pokes out, larger in size now than it's ever been. "What the hell?!" The ugly stepsisters are confused. "Are you getting horny because you think we're so hot?" Ella asks, and Porn nods affirmingly, which prompts the penis to grow bigger. "Wait a minute... Say your name is 'Donald Tramp'." "What?" Pornocchio asks, now also confused. Ella repeats: "Say your name is 'Donald Tramp'". Porn acquiesces: "My name is 'Donald Tramp'." His penis gets even bigger. "Oh my God!!" Ana realizes, "His penis gets bigger everytime he tells a lie. He doesn't think we're pretty." "Just burn that damn thing, girls", Lady Trampaine demands from the stage. "With pleasure..." Dumbella brings the flaming torch closer to Porn's shorts. However, the Cricket suddenly appears before her, throwing her off, and she tries to swat at it with the torch, narrowly missing Pornocchio in the process. The Cricket sits on her nose and Ella hits herself over the face with the flaming torch, then proceeding to scream out in pain and dropping the weapon in the process. Geppedo rushes in, having finally made it through the crowd of riled-up townspeople, and pushes Anastupid away, rather easily, due to her wobbly nature that prompts her to fall down immediately. "Papa!!" Porn cries with relief, while Lady Trampaine picks up the hat with all the money and dashes away, leaving her daughters behind. Geppedo gives his dear son a teary-eyed hug as Jizzinme moves to untie him. "I thought you were in school!" "I'm so sorry, papa, but they made me miss it! I didn't mean to, I swear!" "It's okay, my child," Gep continues hugging Porn, who is now free, "You're a good boy. I know you are."

Back in the present, Pornocchio enters his bedroom in the blue palace and sits before the large mirror in his new boudoir. Life in that place surely promised to be a lot more luxurious than he ever could have hoped for it to be inside his cottage in the woods. Or in that cell in the golden castle... He sighs as he stares into his eyes in the mirror, his eyes that were once drawn on and now look like little crystal ornaments. In his right hand, he holds a vial containing the potion Maleficunt prepared. In his left hand, he holds the guidelines she'd written down for him on how to make sure the spell works. As it turns out, he has to drink the potion himself, prompting him to die and for his soul to go into the person standing nearer to him. So his soul wouldn't even ascend to Heaven, it would just disintegrate and work as some sort of antibiotic, a cure for his father's sickness. Or a way to numb it. He had agreed to do it but, naturally, he now found himself uncertain. Could he actually go through with it? "Boob Fairy... please, heed my call," he says to the mirror.
Elsewhere, in the area of the golden dungeon in which the Evil Queer keeps the most powerful fairies, wizards and warlocks known in the lands (access is now barred to Midass, to keep him from releasing them), the Boob Fairy gets a tingling sensation as she works on decoding the Dark Curse's scroll. She materializes a handheld mirror in her hand and can see Pornocchio in it. "Hello, child," she greets him with a smile, happy to see him. He immediately asks how she is, letting her know that he's been told of her capture, and she reassures him that she's fine, given the circumstances. Porn promises that his friends will find a way to solve everything and get her out. He also apologizes for not having reached out to her sooner, but they've been keeping busy hiding out in the woods. The Boob Fairy makes it clear that he doesn't have to worry about her; she then notices the look on his face, one that denotes worry and doubt, so she asks him what else is troubling him. Pornocchio relates to her everything that's weighing on his mind. "Oh, my..." she says, "Well, that sure is a doozy." "I don't know what to do, Boob Fairy. I know my father wouldn't want me to go through with this, so I mustn't even tell him what happens or he'll try to stop me. And I don't know for sure if the sacrifice would even be worth it. Maleficunt has made it clear that there is no definitive cure for what he has, what if this is all in vain?" The Boob Fairy doesn't know what to tell him. He can gather at this, and insists that she help him make up his mind. "I can't, Pornocchio. You wanted to be human, well, this is what humans deal with all the time: confusion, uncertainty, doubt. Finding themselves at crossroads, not knowing which path to choose." "That's another thing," he remembers, "You promised me that if I was selfless, brave and true, I'd be rewarded with actual humanity. This, doing this, sacrificing myself for my dad, would probably be the epitome of all that, but how could I possibly be rewarded like that if I died?" Boobs shrugs her shoulders, which doesn't appease Porn in the least. But he certainly realizes something and voices it: "It doesn't matter. I'd rather give up my life to make sure my father's is changed for the better." Boobs smiles and tells him, "You know, Pornocchio, no matter what the outcome of this all turns out to be, I can tell you this much: you are selfless, brave and true. I gave you life. I gave you a mind and free will, I gave you a soul, but I didn't give you those qualities. They come from only you. And you deserve to be rewarded. I thoroughly believe you will be." Pornocchio smiles at her, his eyes watering up a fair bit. From outside the window, Jizzinme Cricket, hovering about, overhears everything...

The Mini-Imp comes to, and looks entirely confused. His vision is blurry and his other senses can't be made sense of either. As it (mini-it?) slowly but surely regains consciousness, it can tell that the Imp is standing right nearby, awaiting for its little brother to be made aware again. "There, there, dearie, nothing is the matter," the Imp tells his own creation, "I simply had to lace your much-favored pot brownies with something other than just pot. Hence the sudden drowsiness." The Mini-Imp opens its mouth wide to protest, then remembers it can't actually speak. "Don't fret, child, I did it for your own good," the Imp tries to calm it down, "You were running rampant, like you owned the very ground you step on, and it would have gotten you killed eventually! The Evil Queer ought to be back soon, and when he does, I will take full responsibility for everything that you've done in his absence, because that's what family is for. And that's what we are now: family." The Mini-Imp calms down a tad, as the bigger Imp continues: "I had you created for a reason. I had a void in my life that needed filling, and I realized just what was missing, someone I could love unconditionally and take care of. That's where you came in. I love you, Mini-Imp. And I'll always look after you. But you need to help me with that too. You need to be a good boy, so that I can keep you safe from the Queer or anyone else that might try to tear us apart. Do you understand?" The Mini-Imp nods. "I'm sorry I had to drug you and tie you up," the Imp says as he moves to untie the smaller version of it, "You were going so wild and I needed to prevent you from doing what you loved best, damaging others' property and abusing your servants. Heck, you abused me! I felt like Selena getting beaten by her baby brother. In order to fully get through to you, to get your undivided attention, I had to do this." Once released, the Mini-Imp hugs its big brother, and the Imp gets down on its knees to hug back. A single tear falls down the Imp's face. "Tehehehe," he lets out, moved, "Our whole predicament these past few days has been so extra, hasn't it?"

Rena sits alone in the living room couch, channel-surfing on the MV. He stumbles upon Puta of the Chopped-Off Clit hosting her show, speaking into a microphone in the woods of Fuckingham. "And that's why Cuntlyn Jenner, who's been a woman for five minutes, has been named 'Woman of the Year' by Character magazine: he/she/it crashed their carriage and killed a pedestrian. What's more womanly than shoddy driving? That's all the hot topics we have time for today, stay tuned for Desperate Fisherman's Wives." Cinderali enters the living room, not saying anything. Rena looks at her as she stands there, and after a couple of seconds motions for her to sit down next to him. Albeit reluctantly, she does just this. They are silent for a few seconds, until he finally says: "I was very unhappy." She looks at him, and he goes on to say, without being asked to elaborate, "When I first met her... my wife... it was like... I immediately felt something for her that I'd never felt for anyone else. She was beautiful, smart, funny, so 'charming'... It was literally love at first sight. Like in a fairytale." He goes quiet, and Ali finally asks him, "So what happened?" He shakes his head. "Something just... changed. I don't know what. Overtime, heck, almost overnight it's like she grew to hate me. Resent me for reasons I don't even understand. We fought all the time, well, mostly just her screaming at me and berating me. The... the divorce was so bitter and... when it was all over I just decided it was time for me to move on with my life, which included acting like my marriage to Gabrielle - that was her name - never happened." He finally looks her in the eyes. "I'm sorry that I kept that from you. And I am even more sorry that I lashed out at you. Talking about Gabby... it still gets to me." Ali nods understandingly. "I forgive you," she tells him, "I'm sorry about taking it so personally. I guess my trust in others is still a bit shaken given what happened with Josh." "I am not your evil ex-husband," Rena promises her, moving in closer, "Not only will I never leave you, I would never do all the crazy-ass things he's doing." Ali smiles; "I know," she says, and he continues: "We're still getting to know each other. There's still so much I don't know about you. But I intend to learn everything, and to share everything, from now on." Her smile grows wider. "No more secrets," she says; "No more secrets," he replies. ""And I know you know I haven't been honest about everything in my life so far either. I will. Give me time," Ali finishes. They kiss, briefly. "I better go get started on dinner," she then says as she starts to get up, "And tomorrow we'll give... 'pizza', is it? Another shot." Rena chuckles as she walks away. Once she's out of the living room, his chuckle immediately vanishes and is replaced by a glum, guilty look.

Pornocchio re-enters the blue palace, having just come from Maleficunt's own, dark one, and immediately goes in search of his father. He ascends the central staircase towards the bedroom area and calls out for Geppedo. In his right hand he takes with him a vial with the potion the witch made.
In flashback, the elderly woodcarver brings his son back into their cottage/workshop in the woods, telling him he'll be making him some "Three Bears"-brand porridge. "That's my favorite brand of that awful, awful food," Porn gleefully says, which Gep claims to know. As the Cricket settles in and Geppedo moves to the kitchen, Pornocchio contemplates whether or not to tell his father what happened at the fair. He eventually realizes he should: "Papa, I... there's something I think I should tell you what." Gep's attention is drawn, but it's the Cricket who asks what it is. Porn goes on to explain that he came to realize, whilst being kept captive by the ugly sisters, that whenever he told a lie, apparently his wooden penis grew bigger in size. He feels embarrassed to say this, for he somehow takes this for a taboo subject, despite the land they live in. Gep and the Cricket exchange looks, and the latter simply comments on what a truly remarkable characteristic that is. "You think so?" Porn asks, really rather curious, and the Cricket goes on to deduce that this must be the Boob Fairy's way of helping to ensure Pornocchio remains true: "If you tell a lie, your body will have a tell, and people will know you're lying. That's a sure-fire way to make sure you don't go around telling fibs and thus embarrassing yourself." Porn realizes what he's saying has a point. "Show me," Geppedo suddenly asks. "What?" the Cricket inquires. Not looking at him, Geppedo repeats, "Show papa."
"Papa?" Pornocchio finally makes it to Geppedo's bedroom, where the old man awaits him with the Cricket by his side. "I have to talk to you," the wooden boy says, to which his father replies, "I know you do. And the answer is no." "What?" Porn asks, a look of confusion on his face, as he enters the room; "I know what you've been up to," Gep makes clear, "And the answer is no." Porn stops.
The flashback resumes, and Geppedo puts down the box of "Three Bears" porridge over the kitchen table and moves closer to his son, much to the Cricket's concern. "Tell papa a lie. Any lie," he asks. Porn looks reluctant. "I-I don't want to, papa," he says, "I have to be a good boy." "You are a good boy, Pornocchio," Geppedo reassures him, with his ever-present Italian-sounding accent, "This is all out of sheer curiosity. Papa wants to see what you can do. Tell a fib, any fib. Say you're a donkey." "I, I'm a donkey," Porn obliges - his bulge suddenly pops a little. Geppedo's eyes wide with anticipation and lust. He gets down on one knee and entices his boy to keep going. "Geppedo..." the Cricket tries to call for the old man's attention, but goes ignored. "Say you're a monkey now." "I'm a monkey." The bulge gets bigger. Geppedo licks his lower lip.
Back in the present, the woodcarver gets up from his bed and informs his son that the Cricket let him know of his plan to sacrifice himself in order to save Geppedo's soul. Porn gives the Cricket a resentful look, before turning his attention back to his father. "And I will do it, papa. I promised you I would find a cure. I set out on a long quest that has deprived me of so much to ensure that I would save you, and I am finally able to. And you can't stop me." "Pornocchio..." Geppedo's eyes begin to well up.
In the past, it's Geppedo's mouth that gets watery. "Say you're a piglet now. Daddy's little piglet." Pornocchio looks uncomfortable, as does the Cricket, who asks that the old man stop. "...I'm a piglet." The bulge grows bigger and finally the wooden penis pops out of the shorts' crotch area again, and Geppedo marvels at the sight. It's as off-putting as it looks. "Atta boy..." Geppedo comments. He stares at the member in awe, and then hears a tiny sob. He looks up and notices his young boy is starting to tear up. "Pornocchio..." His transe ends.
"Why did you think I would ever agree to this?" Geppedo asks his boy in the bedroom; "I knew you wouldn't," Porn explains, "Which is why I wouldn't have told you. I was just... I was just gonna perform the incantation and get it over with." "Well I forbid it," Geppedo puts his foot down, "Pornocchio, watching you come to life was perhaps the biggest joy of my life, watching you lay down that life for me, t-to cure my... disease... it would kill me." "But father, maybe that's why I was given life," Porn tries to reason, "Maybe my purpose in this world was to cure you, to save you!" Gep shakes his head. "I refuse to believe that. You have a life of your own, Pornocchio. That's what you need to concern yourself with. And I truly am sorry that I allowed this, this, 'quest' to go on for as long as it has. You've wasted enough time on something that probably can never be fixed. And you're not going to sacrifice yourself for me." "But I wanna save you!!" "That wouldn't save me, that would destroy me!!"
"Pornocchio..." Geppedo continues, in the flashback, noticing his son's trembling lips. "Papa, what is happening?" Everything about this feels wrong. Everything. Geppedo is now moved to tears as well, and gets up off his knee and embraces his child, whose wooden penis retreats once more. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable..." Porn cries against his father's chest, and the Cricket lowers his head, disappointed. "Papa's a bad man... a bad, bad man... I'm so sorry."
"Papa... Ever since I've known you, you've felt so bad about this... about your condition. I know you're a good man, at heart, and you can't help your impulses, but that's not your faulr. I need to help you, so that you can have a normal life, so that you can go out into the real world and be around children. So that... so that we can hug without it being uncomfortable for the both of us.
With Porn still crying into his father's chest, he notices the old man's erection poking through, and moves back, this time shaken by it. "Papa..." Geppedo falls back down on both of his knees and starts to cry profusely. "I am so sorry, son!" He brings his hands to his face and sobs almost hysterically. "Papa..." The Cricket doesn't know what to do.
"I'm so sorry that I can't have any of that, Pornocchio, I truly am. But you should be allowed to. To have a normal life, I mean. This, what you occupy yourself with, constantly putting your life in peril in order to help me, that's not normal. In fact, it's a terrible thing I've burdened you with. So I now exonerate you of it, son. Please, just... just give me the potion." Porn looks at the vial in his right hand, having completely forgotten he was even holding it by this point.
"Papa, what is wrong with you?" He doesn't ask this with disdain or disgust, but legitimate concern. Geppedo answers that he doesn't know, and reiterates that he's sorry. Porn looks at the Cricket, who still doesn't know what to say. The young man then gets down on his knees in front of his father and tells him, "Papa, whatever it is, I can help you. Tell me. I will help you." Geppedo looks at his son's sweet, loving face, and holds back his tears.
"Jizzinme," Gep calls for his faithful companion, "Take this." He hands the vial to the Cricket, who has a hard time holding it, for it is actually bigger than he is. "Take it away, put it somewhere safe, where no one can get to it. Jizz nods and flies away with the potion. A single tear falls down Pornocchio's face. "What now?" he asks. Geppedo lowers himself to be face-to-face with his boy and tells him, "Now, I do something. What I should have done a long time ago." Porn worries about what this could mean.
It isn't too long before we see Geppedo being shackled to the leg of the bed where we first saw him, in what appears to be the living room of the house. A bedpan can be seen nearby, as well as a bedside table that's already been set up with grocery items. Porn sighs and asks his father if this truly is what he wishes be done, and Gep nods. Porn closes the shackle around his father's ankle and Geppedo sits down on the bed. Jizz looks on, and the boy sits down next to his father. "It's for the best. Cinderali's invite was too sweet, but I shouldn't stay at the palace, I should be at home. And in a manner that makes sure I never harm another child again." "You know I won't give up," Porn tells him, "I'll find some other way to cure you. One less... demanding." "I wish you would give up," Gep says, "For your own sake. But I can understand." He moves to kiss his son's forehead, and this time it's as innocent as it should always be. "I'm so proud of you, son..." Porn smiles, and gets teary-eyed once more. "Now go. Be normal. Be happy." "I'll come visit all the time," he promises. "I know you will." Pornocchio gets up and asks if he needs anything for the time being, with the old man telling him he's good. Porn smiles. He pockets the key to the shackle and prepares to leave, but turns back again and tells him, "I love you, papa." "I love you too, Pornocchio." Porn leaves, a big smile on his face. The Cricket flies off after him, and the door is closed. And with the thought of his son's loving face widening the smile on his own, Geppedo lies down and starts to rub his crotch...

Unanswered Questions[edit | edit source]

  • Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks?
  • What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse?
  • What is Blow's history with red apples?
  • How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world?
  • Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom?
  • How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?
  • Why does Rumple want Ali's firstborn?
  • Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart? Does he really not have one?
  • What quest did the Boob Fairy and Rumple go on?
  • How and when did Slutty Red become a werewolf?
  • How did Gabrielle Charming die?
  • How did Ali's father steal Rumple's family? Why does Rumple want to darken Ali's heart?
  • Who killed Anitta Red? Was the Hunterer involved in her murder?
  • Why was Rena sentenced to court-mandated therapy?
  • What happened to Willy?
  • What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena? Why did he freak out upon reading it?
  • How did Rumple acquire the curse? Where does it come from?
  • Who was the "beast" that Belle was married to, and why did it end badly?